How can I stop my relations buying my dds Christmas presents?

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

We used to be a very close extended family. Every year since my grandmother died we've all met up just before Christmas for a big family gathering which I thought we all enjoyed. Certainly our branch of the family did. However, now one of my aunts (actually my godmother too) has said that she doesn't want to do this anymore as there are too many of us and won't be coming. Her sister has agreed.

My problem with this is that the two sisters and their families see each other a lot. Therefore the only people that they're actually boycotting are myself and my brother and our families. This hurts as we're so much older than our cousins that we're more the aunts generation than our cousins.

So, having blown us out and pissed us off, how do I put a stop to the Christmas presents that I know they will send my dds. As it's too much for them to spend 3 hours a year in the same room as me and my children I want to tell them to stick them up their arses but obviously can't. We never see them any other time, by their choice so I can't see the point of trying to pretend they're bothered when they're not.

Wow, butthurt much?

I'm sure they've said they can't manage the gathering due to the number of people, rather than you specifically!

(1) they may just not want to come - thats fine
(2) they surepy havebt stopped lovibg your dcs - so will or may still want to send gifts
(3) have you asked if you can see them another time, a smaller gathering or cup of tea somewhere, to wish them a happy christmas? - no, didnt think so.

Get off your high horse.

You're spitting your dummy.

Some people can't face a big gathering. Give yourself a chance to calm down. Don't react just because you're feeling hurt. I'll bet it isn't personal.

How does your brother feel?

Sounds like you're cutting your nose off to spite your face. Or more accurately, punishing your children.

Ouch, didn't expect that.

It might not be personal but, the situation that we have means by default it is. Two brothers, two sisters. They get together throughout the year and have grown up lunches. Fine.

The two sisters are close as are their families (geographically as well). So weekly meet ups there. Once you take all that out of the equation, we're the only people left, even my mother agrees and is pissed off. My brother says fuck them. Am I really spitting my dummy out over nothing? I won't see them now until someone gets married or has a christening, none of which are anywhere on the horizon.

The decision was made back at Easter during one of their get togethers. It's arisen again now because my fab uncle is organising the do for his lot and our lot.

My DC have relations who don't see them from one year to another but send presents to clutter up our house, so I have sympathy. It would be better for them to have a relationship than stuff.

But I think you would be unreasonable to address the issue by refusing the presents. Accept as usual, nice hand-written thank-you note, and shove in the back of a cupboard or charity shop if necessary.

I can see why you're pissed off I suppose...but I think refusing the gifts would be churlish. Like a big 'so there!'.
I don't see it will make anything better.

I can't see anything wrong with receiving presents! Seriously take it with a pinch of salt, its not worth the aggro. If you love their company so much, why don't you invite them to a separate more intimate gathering? You can't make them attend obviously and they might still say no but although you might be offended, you're much better putting your energies to those who are interested.

Leave them be I'd say!!

Hi Gwen , now I know you're a reasonable poster & I'd imagine that you're hurting because it feels so personal & the presents thing is an automatic kickback reaction to being hurt.

That's understandable :)

But its their choice to not come to the event & it may be for reasons that you're unaware of, illness say. If you won't see them there then perhaps contact them & meet up somewhere smaller at either of your houses or for a coffee somewhere or for lunch out where you can do the Christmas meet up in a place where they feel comfortable.

Don't compound the hurt by refusing Christmas gifts for your children & taking offence where there may be none meant. They will then be hurt by your actions & a rift will develop.

Find a way to contact them & tell them that you miss them at the event, ask them why they're not coming if you like but they will probably explain that its nothing to do with your family but for some other reason that wouldn't occur to you.

Would you and your brother be able to host the family get together instead and have everyone to your place instead?
It costs a lot of time and usually money to have a houseful, maybe they can't afford it.

Where is the party held. Have you asked the aunts if its the travelling or the hosting that's causing the issue. Why don't you try and organise a get together some other time? The run up to Christmas is hectic and you can't see everyone. Some people prefer low key with larger get together a once in a blue moon.

I'd accept the gifts. Send a thank you card which says sorry not to see them over Christmas and suggest time to call on them e.g Easter or mid feb.

I totally understand why your hurt but telling to stick their gifts for your kids up their arses won't help.

Get in touch and say you're disappointed and see if something can be salvaged. It really might not be personal and just part of a bigger picture.

*you're grr

Thanks all. Points taken :) They won't travel to us, we've always taken turns to host and they stopped coming down here (it's only an hour's drive).

It does hurt after years of thinking we were a close family. But, have taken comments on board and will graciously accept and say nothing.

Have you thought about writing or emailing, in a non-confrontational way, to say you're hurt and you value their presence in your lives? Just in case they suggest a smaller-scale meeting up, or something?

I wouldn't deprive the kids of the pressies, but I definitely see why you're hurt. I would be, too.

Can you not travel to see them both separately, near Christmas? Explain that you want to see them as it is important to you and can you come for a cup of tea and a mince pie?

If its just you and your DP/DC for example, that might not be too much?

I understand your hurt but I don't understand why the Christmas get together is the only time you can meet up.

I can see why you're hurt, but I do find as people get older they can find a big gathering stressful. I know my Dad does and he used to like them.

You are usually a voice of reason on here, so I would suggest that you ring them up, say you're sad at not seeing them, and offer to bring the kids up to see them for an hour after Christmas.

That should be a manageable amount of people for them, and would still maintain good relations. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

How old are they? It may be that as they get older, big family gatherings are too much. Doesn't mean they don't love you, I love big parties but my sister hates them although she has done them in the past. I know it doesn't mean she cares any less for me or my children just that as she has got older she has decided not to do things that she really dislikes just for the sake of appearances.