DP lied about meeting his ex.

[VimtoDrinker]

It's the first time he's ever lied to me that I know about, and right now I feel as though I can never trust him again. Please help me rationalize.

Basically..... she rang him a couple of weeks ago and demanded invited him to her birthday night out. He told her he'd go, but told me he didn't want to and tried to get me to go with him. Which I declined, as I'd rather burn in Hell than celebrate her birthday with her.

No more was said about it until he came in from work on Friday and told me he'd got out of having to go out for her birthday. A bit later whilst he was in the toilet I rather stupidly looked through his phone at the messages just to see if she'd been bitching about me again (she has form for this) and found out that he'd "got out" of her birthday party by meeting her on her own for a drink after he'd finished work :(

The thing that gets me is that they're not "just" friends who once happened to have a relationship. She treated him very badly at the time, and they don't get along now. By the way, I've known them both for years (small town, same social group) and have seen them talking both before and after DP and I got together, so I know he isn't just telling me what I want to hear. I can see in his face that she's toxic to him. He just can't/won't walk away from her and her emotional vampirism. It just rips me to pieces to see the hold she has over my boyfriend.

I'm not particularly jealous of her either. She's a lot older than me and is pretty unattractive both inside and out. Other than her...... our relationship is fantastic. We're expecting our first child soon.

Please help I can't bear feeling like this over some shitstirring old hag.

Hi vimto, the woman really does sound awful. But your dp really does need to grow a back bone especially if you're expecting your first child! I'm also pregnant so I know how much harder and more upsetting everything seems right now (even though it sounds bad enough if you weren't pregnant).

Just out of interest have you told your dp you know he went out with his ex And what does he do to defend you against her bitching?

If you wasnt pregnant, i would of said give him hell and dump him.

He needs to get his prioritises right.

Its not nice whats going on here

What exactly are you angry about? The only thing, IMHO, you can be justifiably pissed at is your DP continuing to see her if he really wants to cut her loose. That just smacks of a lack of backbone. But perhaps he actually likes having her in his life still but feels unable to tell you this?

"By the way, I've known them both for years (small town, same social group) and have seen them talking both before and after DP and I got together, so I know he isn't just telling me what I want to hear. I can see in his face that she's toxic to him. He just can't/won't walk away from her and her emotional vampirism."

This is just bollocks I'm afraid, you can read no such deep insight in his face.

So to clarify, he hates the ex yet feels unable to say no to her demands? So there's no issue of a possible affair or similar.

He clearly knows how you feel or else he wouldn't be lying. This is not something you can solve, he needs to remember he's a vertebrate & he needs to be told that lying to you in order to meet another woman, whomever she is, for drinks is a problem & he needs to stop.

You need to be quite firm.

Just to wonder aloud, why does she have such a hold on him?

He is meeting her because he wants to and she is still in his life because he wants her there. He holds all the cards with this situation. Stop focusing on the ex and take issue with your DP.

Are you in the habit of snooping on his texts btw?

He chose to go....he wasn't forced.

This is just bollocks I'm afraid, you can read no such deep insight in his face.

It isn't bollocks in the slightest. We've all known each other for a number of years as I say. She gets drunk and snipes at him, and he sulks. There's no question that they're friends in the normal sense of two people liking each other. They just won't call it day. Obviously, yes, it is his choice and he must be getting something from it.

And no, I'm not in the habit of snooping on his texts as far as anyone else is concerned. I couldn't give a fig what he's texting his friends about FIFA or whatever.

And I haven't told him that I know. I'm still hoping that he'll tell me. I don't like being lied to any more than anyone else.

Just ask him if she's been in touch lately or if he has seen her and see if he lies....

Tell him she's gotta go. No way would I stand for a manipulative ex in the background and a boyfriend who enables her.

Your relationship can't be that fantastic as he is happy to lie direct to your face to go and meet someone he supposidly doesn't like.

You are happy to go through his texts.

His ex has been bitching about you which if he were a half decent person he would tell them to stop, he is with you, he loves you and if they persist they will be blocked on his phone and cut off.

They clearly have something between thm even if not sexual or loving that neither is ready to give up.

Also your sniping about her age and looks makes you seem unattractive.

He chose to meet her.

Just tell him to fuck off.

Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean to have to resign yourself to a crap life with a spineless liar.

Vimto you sound rather unpleasant. To use your words if his X is such and "old hag" why is it worrying you so much. She owes you nothing and you seem to be laying all the blame on her. Your DP is the liar. Did he leave her for you?

He went and met her though, that took willing unless she held a gun to his head. It sounds as though the problem is with your dp rather than her and sorry but your making excuses for him by blaming her.

How long ago were they together?

He's the issue not her.

He lies to you and sees his ex behind your back. That's a sackable offence in my book