Want partner to stop smoking before baby arrives

[richtea12]

I wanted to get people's views on getting partner to stop smoking. My partner of 8 years has always smoked. He smokes quite heavily (15 - 20 roll ups a day). I've asked him to stop lots of times and he says he wants to and has tried but always gives in after a day or two. I've been worrying about it a lot since my Dad died of cancer. I'm expecting my first baby in January and I really want him to stop before then as the Health Advisor says it increases risk of cot death. He doesn't smoke in the house but it's still on his clothes etc. I've talked to him about and he says he will but he's said he'll stop lots of times and never does! I don't want to keep nagging him about it as it always leads to an argument but at the same time I don't want the baby breathing in the second hand smoke. I used to smoke myself and I know it's really annoying to have people preaching at you but it's really worrying me. Anyone else dealing with this?

Reality check. You haven't a hope in hell of convincing such a heavy smoker to stop. As you know as an ex-smoker the only person who can decide to do this is him and, if he's not motivated, nothing whatsoever will happen. Assuming you're not prepared to end the relationship or ban him from the house, you're going to have to have some kind of compromise... maybe he agrees to change into clean clothes & take a shower before being around the baby?

It is a concern regarding SIDS, I think primarily in that it takes up to 72 hours after smoking before the carbon monoxide level returns to the level of a non-smoker. Nicotine, which is a pesticide (the only fact that actually made me quit, I could not get past the fact that I was addicted to a pesticide, it sounds so horrible and much less normal than being addicted to smoking) also has a half life, so yes, he can smoke outside and have a smoking jacket and wash his hands/brush teeth endlessly but he'll be breathing out carbon monoxide all night in higher levels than you will. I think it takes 90 minutes for nicotine to be broken down, could be wrong, but again... There's an element of being a walking cigarette. Ish.

That's what stops me taking it up again, and I have desperately wanted a lovely rollie every day for the last 15 months. But I wanted/needed to quit. So I researched it and researched it until I found my own hurdle - the bit about nicotine being a pesticide. I needed to find something I couldn't explain away.

If your partner doesn't deep down want to quit, he won't/can't.

Also one other thing to remember is that for some smokers, it's easy to quit, for some, it's relatively hard, and for some, it's mindblowingly difficult. It's one of the most insidious addictions because it's still normalised, but it's a big deal. For a lot of people, it's not something you just give up easily.

I almost stopped during my pregnancy
I was so proud of myself

But it's very difficult for some people to do
however some are capable to stop

You can't make him stop, he has to want to do it himself. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

I was in the same position as you when DD was born, I yearned for DH to stop smoking but I tried to keep it to myself as it was outside my control. (he never smoked in the house or around DD)

When she was about a year old he suddenly decided to stop, and he did. He had tried many times previously, unsuccessfully, but this time it worked, the time was obviously right for him. It was still hard for him though.

Thanks for all your comments, they are really helpful. I suppose I know deep down that no amount of nagging/pleading will help, I'll just have to hope something clicks and he finds a way to stop x

Get him an e cigarette . I didn't really want to stop smoking but a friend was getting one so I asked her to get me one too. They are fantastic. I haven't had a cigarette for 3 weeks now

Its so hard im an ex smoker as well.
He needs to find what motivates him to stop nothing else will work.
For me it was the money and being able to smell nice!!!
Me being pregnant or my health weren't my real motivators but thats what everyone else thinks, I was 25 to 30 a day!!

Ask him to try the Alan Carr workshop. Expensive but it stopped my similarly heavy smoking ex (who was very cynical indeed about this method). They run them all over the UK and I believe they refund your money if you start smoking again. It works by deconstructing the massive psychological bullshit rationale addicted individuals give for not being able to quit.

HTH.

BTW - my ex didn't want to stop. On the way to the workshop he spotted a petrol station at which he planned to buy tobacco on his way home, but guess what? He drove right on by without even thinking.

What price your H's and your baby's health?

Another compromise we agreed on was going out of sight outside too, to reduce the normalisation of smoking to the kids.
I also hoped to make it as uncomfortable as possible.

My dp managed to stop two years ago, when our oldest was about 6/7, a bit late, but better than never. I gave up mentioning it (ie nagging), because I realised it was futile and instead bit my tongue and was supportive. This wasn't his first attempt at giving up, but it came from him and was his most decisive, it felt different to the other times, and it has turned out to be different.

He was a heavy smoker too.

Does your OH say he intends to at some time, or is it all coming from you?

He says he wants to stop but as soon as he gets a bit stressed just gives in

tell him to find himself something else for stress relief - having a newborn will cause a lot more stress.

Smoking 15-20 roll ups a day is not being a heavy smoker.
The fact that he smokes outside the house is good.
To ask him to shower and change his clothes before he goes near his own child is ridiculous.

My DW gave up smoking through both pregnancies. I didn't. Both of our children are still alive and healthy.

SIDS scare stories tend to centre around two scenarios, smoking in the same room/house as babies and sleeping position.
They do not often consider nicotine on a parents breath and clothes.

If you interested read this;
www.sidsandkids.org/wp-content/uploads/SIDS_SafeSleeping_A4_IS_SmokingLR1web.pdf

I know I will get a hard time for this but my DC are fine and healthy, alot of us around the ages of 40 and older will remember sitting in smoke filled cars, rooms etc etc with our parents (if they smoked) We survived.

At the end of the day, It's up to your husband but giving him a hard time won't make him stop smoking.

TBH, in general, babies and children excepted. I'm getting a little fed up of the ex and non smoking brigade telling us how disgusting we are.
One wonders if they know how annoying and agrivating they are.

He sounds a bit like my husband. I concur with the other posters...he HAS to want to stop, as cigarettes are more addictive than heroin and contain 4000plus chemicals that the human body can get accustomed to. As a non-smoker all my life, I can only imagine how hard it must be to quit.

DH got an e-cig and it seems to have worked really well for him. Alcohol should be a no-no too, as the two seem to go together.

Vaping / e-cigs and the Alan Carr method do seem to be highly recommended by many MNetters.