Unwanted birthday card from estranged sister

[Palika]

A bit of background: two alcoholic parents who are divorced, mother singled me out for abuse and rejection, 3 siblings, one of them alcoholic and killed herself. - highly dysfunctional family. - almost nobody talks to anybody.

Until the age of 40 I was depressed about it and always tried to get back into the family but that did not work because I was the rejected one and my siblings sided with my mother and they were all too dysfunctional but I was too confused to really accept that.

Around the age of 40 I cut myself lose from the family and managed to create a very good life for myself with a loving family and family-in-law, good career. I am happy now and actually VERY GLAD not to have any contact with this horrible family. (but I do feel a lot of compassion) (I am now 53)

Birthdays were always a sad affair for me becasue of all the missing calls, cards and presents from my family. They sometimes remembered me but more often not.

So, 10 years ago I told everyone that I do not celebrate my birthday any more and that I would not want any cards etc. I am much happier now - finally birthdays are happy days for me for the first time in my life!

But since my younger sister has children of her own she insists on 'playing happy family' and sends me and my son all sorts of nice cards, letters pictures and even presents at my birthday and Christmas. I told her (very kindly) that I do not want that any more and will not reciprocate but she persists.

It makes me very uncomfortable as it is not my style to ignore people in this way - yet I do not want to be 'forced' to reciprocate.

Outside these cards I hear absolutely nothing of my sister - since I have found my happiness she is so envious that she does not want to talk to me - she said so herself!

My attitude is - fine, but please do not try to force me into this formal 'birthday card sending'.

What shall I do - accept the cards and continue to ignore her and tolerate the discomfort that this causes. Or phone her and say to her yet again that I do not want cards but that she can talk to me or come to visit me ( she would never do that anyway)

she isn't forcing you to reciprocate. she wants to send you a card. Just accept graciously.

Do not phone her and do not give her any mixed messages (i.e she can come and visit or talk to me) - that just gets you further suckered back in.

Such behaviour from your sister is known as "hoovering", she knows you do not want contact but still persists with the unwanted cards. Its a tactic done to regain control over your behaviour.

I would ignore any cards and bin them. Do not respond at all to any card, any contact from you gives her a response which is also something that she wants from you.

Just bin them and carry on with your new life. Don't be made to feel guilty, you have set yourself free and she is going to have to find her own way.

thanks guys - your responses are interesting!!

Attila - Where does that idea of 'hoovering' come from? Is there some theory or author connected to that? I'd like to look that up.

I don't think you can control what she does but you can control your own reaction. You have made it clear it's not wanted - that is your right. So don't respond or feel any obligation. She will give up. Your compassion is making you struggle with this. Stop it! :)

tireddog- she does that since her children arrived which is roughly 10 years ago. So, she is very persistant.

My son is 14 - she could not have cared less about my son when she did not have her own children.

But since she has her own children she maintained that she has 'always' sent him presents. - Not true! When she first saw him he was 18 months old and she said absolutely nothing about him - no 'cute', no 'handsome' no nothing. When I asked her what she felt about her new nephew she said with irony 'he is great!' She could not even bring herself to say his name. She is soooo envious!

What makes it hard for me is that she is 9 years younger than me - it's hard to be so tough on your baby sister. (literally baby sister) But I realise she long been grown up - it just does not feel that way.

She has everything going for her - nice partner, goodish career, lots of money - no need to be envious of me AT ALL!!

The envy started when she told me 15 years ago that she was writing a book and wanted to be a published author. Shortly afterwards, I also started to write a book (totally different genre). I got published and she did not....and she has never forgiven me for that.

That is persistent !!

However she will survive without presents. I can hear your dilemma.

When you say 'accept' the cards. Are they posted or handed over?

she sends the cards - she lives in another country (as does my entire family). When I moved to England I thought 'great' I am getting further away from that lot - but it does not matter how many miles you are away - it's all in your mind anyway.

scribble our your address on the front of the envelope and write return to sender.

write her address on the back

post

it'll land back on her doorstep unopened

Agree with previous posters.

Bin them.
Or return fuck off undeliverable.

I have done the ignoring thing for many years but this morning a letter arrived with 10 different pictures of her family and a VERY NICE card with the word LOVE mentioned several times.

It pulls at my heart strings very much....she is not exactly an abusive person, never said an unkind word...but that is not the way it's done in our family anyway....it's all done through cold-heartedness and withholding...

(my mother simply did not talk to me throughout my childhood - simply ignored me. When I brought home my new husband 17 years ago and we came into the door, she simply would not look at us - just played loudly with her dog - horrible woman - I don't know if she would ever said hello to us if hadn't pushed my hand in front of her eyes to literally force her to acknowledge my presence. )

Do you recognise the writing? If so…don't open. Give to a friend and let them open if you really want to know what is there. That way you won't be dragged in

It sounds like she is used to being ignored.

No, my sister has not been ignored. she has always been the confidante of my mother. It was me who was ignored.

My siblings were not treated very well by mother either, but a lot better than me. Now that I am out of the picture as the scape goat, they are angry. They loved it that they were not being treated as badly as me, because that made their own bad treatment easier to bear.

I found it always very painful that my siblings sided with my mother and looked onto the way she treated me without compassion. They only said - you and mother are having problems and we don't know why. Nobody ever took my side - I was always the doormat/skapegoat/punchbag of the family.

Not any more!!!