Need to confront dp re gambling-handholding anyone?

[Whattodowithaminute]

Found out today that dp has an out of control gambling problem, all his savings likely gone which were supposed to be going into a joint account for our future... Seems to be spiralled out of control, work busy for him and we have 2 young children, we don't get much time together... It's rubbish all round but he has lied so much I need to talk to him about it tonight... Ahhh don't know where to start...

and

I found out DP had blown a fair amount of savings on gambling recently.

I took a softly softly approach ( though cried a bit!) and said I'd offer him support but it did have to stop.

I found out he gambled £70 the other week ( first I'm aware of since he supposedly stopped) and i went a bit more mental. Now I handle all the finances and he has pocket money ( as do I) If he blows it on gambling, tough shit. He can cycle to work and not go out with mates etc. it's not fair in either side but I'm due a baby in 6 weeks and refuse to take any crap!

What's your gut feeling on your stance? Ultimatum or support?

Trying to do the support approach I think...

So have a think about what you need to actually hear from him. He might not be able to explain why (which frustrates me a lot with dp). Have details for gamble aware available. www.gambleaware.co.uk/

What sort of resolutions are you expecting? DP and I varied greatly on what was the next step and we compromised. It isnt ideal, or long term, but for now its working.

My DH is a gambler, at the moment things are quite stable, but I am always on the lookout for evidence that he is gambling.

He isn't supposed to have any bank account that I can't see, though I do know he does have one. It's very difficult to handle. I have never shouted or been very angry, he has been doing this since he was 10 as an escape, from a difficult childhood.

Everything needs to be out in the open, then again I found a national lottery account last week, that I haven't brought up yet, as I find it difficult to broach the subject.

I can't be much help, I know it's a nightmare.

Whattodo
Remember to look after yourself also, you cant make a person do anything even by being the most supportive person in the world.

My sympathies are with you OP. I found out a year ago about by DH gambling addiction. It had been going on a long time. He had spent our joint savings, run up a credit card and owed money to family friends, all in complete secret from me. I was gutted, not just about the money, but the deceipt, he had become a fantastical liar. Along with his web of lies came his mis trust in me and everyone else. I think he thought that if he could get away with gambling in secret for such a long time, then what was I, and other people doing in secret from him. I think the gambling has stopped (for now) but the damage it has caused is immense. Unfortunately after 15 years of marriage and two DDs we are getting divorced. Try and look after yourself, your finances and most importantly your sanity.

Well overall I think it went better than expected in that he without hesitation agreed he had a problem wanted to stop and agreed to steps regarding increasing financial control. He's agreed to seek help if he can't stop straight away and very upset overall. In many ways it looks like we might have been lucky and it might just be savings gone rather than debt accrued. I'm sure the deceit will hit home more soon but at the moment it just looks like fantasy numberson a piece of paper. He's agreed to us going to relationship counselling if we feel we need to over the coming weeks. Quite sure I will be back here, thank you all for advice and support, really helps, I know I need to prioritise myself and the children but for now he is willing to do anything I demand.

I'm sorry you've had that outcome mummy2wills, so sad

Hope it all works out Whattodowithaminute. Well done on confronting in a supportive manner and hope he is sincere.

Much like mum2wills I found out about my husband's long standing gambling problem a while ago, he had hidden it COMPLETELY i.e. I was the one running the finances and bank accounts etc giving me the impression that all was hunky dory.

Behind the scenes however were tens of thousands of debts, gambling accounts, lies, lies and more lies.

In my opinion, once that trust is gone there is no way back. We are now getting divorced.

I would never ever get involved with even a casual gambler again. And I would advise anyone in a similar position to salvage what they can and run from the hills.

Sorry to be depressing! Good luck to you OP.

Glad to hear that he wants to work on this with you, and it doesn't look like too much money has gone. Good luck with it all, it is something that will always be there, you just have to deal with it as best you can.

Sorry to hear your story mummy2wills, you are right. The money isn't important , although the thought of how much that has been lost makes me feel sick, it's the lies and deceit that comes so naturally.

p.s. Gamecare are excellent and can provide counselling to both the gambler and partner (seperately). It's free (funded by the gambling industry) so you may as well get what you can from it!!!!

p.p.s. *Gamcare obv not Gamecare

Have counselling appt for me Monday with gamcare thanks for the direction to that sugardonut tonight we review all accounts financial situation and start budgeting. Going to tell him I'm going to counselling and see whether he will consider it too...

It's a positive sign that he's admitted he has a problem and wants help but he is going to have to agree to some pretty stringent stuff IME.

My husband has racked up tens of thousands in debt twice over despite being bailed out the first time and being on course with repayments. He has fucked our lives with it. Despite this I am supporting him as he has no-one else and it's been part of an ongoing breakdown related to finding out our dd was abused and the family fallout from that. This is how I can square the monumental lies, deceit and general shit this horrendous thing has caused but he is under no illusions that I will walk if I ever find he has even looked sideways at one of those bastard machines ever again.

I have taken all control of finances and ditched all but one joint account which I monitor daily. The house and all savings are in my name. He has self-excluded from bookies although TBH that's not foolproof by any means. So, so many of the fucking places absolutely everywhere . I have k9 installed on the computer which is a free blocker. There are other gambling blockers but you have to pay for them. He goes to GA weekly and has had Gamcare counselling (not completed the course due to temp work and job hunting commitments) which he found very useful.

He carries little to no cash and when he does I see what he's bought or the receipts. I also have access to his credit report (Noddle is free for life) which show loans, credit cards and bank accounts along with his banking although he got round that this time by changing logins and spinning me a line about how he was sorting it so be ready for that one if he agrees. It cost me dear to believe those lies.

If your dh is using his phone to gamble he could consider changing it for a basic PAYG as from what I gather it might not be possible to install blockers on a phone.

My husband was suicidal over what he has done in the summer. AFAIK he hasn't gambled for getting on for 18 weeks now and I am cautiously hopeful that this is it but I do not intend to relax my guard for an instant. He knows I will never trust him with money again.

You already know how devious this addiction makes a gambler. If your husband is truly ready to kick this into touch he should be willing to agree to do whatever it takes but you need to be aware that there is nothing you can do to make him change. He absolutely has to want that for himself.

Your absolute priority must be to protect yourself financially right now and you must insist on complete honesty and openness as to the true position now and ongoing.

Sorry to be so doom and gloom but this is my reality. It totally sucks but I want to give him the chance to be the brilliant person he was before this madness took over and I hope and believe it can be done.

Long time lurker, finally posting. We are 2.5 years on from a 6 figure gambling debt. Mystic has expressed it perfectly. My husband has been through the counselling and has slowly been repay8ng his debts. Most importantly, he did it himself. He had my support but very much on the sidelines. We will never get back what we had and will always bear the scars but we are hanging on to what we have now. There won't be any second chances though because I couldn't live through it again. Look after yourself and make sure all the assets are in your name and out of reach. He is an addict and right now, you can't trust him to put you first.

well done OP for getting counselling lined up with Gamcare. I found it very very helpful in clarifying my thoughts and in particular to help me realise my enabling behaviour.

My counsellor was very clear that gamblers can stop. If THEY want to. Taking responsibility for finances/repayments/pocket money etc is enabling behaviour.

I didn't listen then but after the smokescreen of sortedness was blown away again (when I discovered dh WAS gambling despite my control over all finances) the penny dropped and I realised what she had been trying to tell me.

I am so so sorry for all others who have posted to say they are in the same situation. Whilst we all have control over our own choices, gambling and the gambling industry are truely evil.

mysticpizza you've done much to protect yourself and DC by putting assets and savings in your name only so you don't have debt liability. However in the event of a divorce (not saying it will happen ) would you still be protected as I thought all your assets would be taken into account by the judge?

0p - I'd advise for the worst and take practical steps to financially cushion yourself. i would not wait to get the appropriate financial and legal liability advice.

I am so, so sorry everyone. What a bloody nightmare for you. It would be my worst nightmare.

It would be an absolute dealbreaker for me, I could cope with alcoholism, drugs, infidelity but not gambling. I don't even like lottery tickets. It does such damage.

I wish to fuck then would ban the easy access gambling, advertised all the time, the machines in the bookies, gambling on phones. It is too easy to access. I long for the government to cut down on this, it causes so much heartbreak for families.

It is as pernicious as smoking.

They banned adverts for that, they have greatly reduced people's ability to smoke. I wish they would do that for gambling.

I think all who have stayed and helped their partners are very,very brave women indeed and I hope to fuck it all works for you all. Bt please be very careful. Please put yourself first.

OP I'd also add that I have left dh to sort out this second bout of debt himself. He has been the one contacting StepChange and sorting out his debt management plan. I have refused to get involved in any of it. Anything to open his eyes to the consequences of what he's done.

CookieDoughKid Dh has assured me he would not seek anything beyond a small sum to set himself up somewhere in the event we divorce. Obviously that assurance has no legal weight but I think it's on the level. Nothing I can really so about it anyway. My intention was more to stop him getting his hands on the savings or taking out a mortgage behind my back along with protecting what I can in the event of him going bankrupt.

Getorf Thanks for the good wishes. I agree the gambling industry is evil. The bookies give you a limit on how many branches you can self exclude from. There should be a national system for self exclusion from all branches in any chain IMO. I also loathe the insidious way gambling avertising is creeping onto TV now and the cynical targeting of particular groups. It's a complete social evil and it's time the government started regulating it far more strictly. Doubt they will though. They get too big a payoff from the tax

Have just had first assessment with gamcare, they are going to be a very good ongoing support I'm sure. Still can't believe what is happening around me, don't know where or how to start. DP still not accessing help and hasn't told anyone and hasn't done everything we agreed to at the beginning of last week. Not sure how long you give these things... Now starting to think about what boundaries I should have for myself and the children...