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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Still lost and lonely

22 replies

friendlyduck · 25/11/2013 18:19

My DH suddenly announced that he doesn't know if he loves me anymore and can't see us growing old together.

We have had a great relationship. Things have been crap in the last year following a miscarriage (unplanned) a bereavement and a change in jobs for him that has made him very stressed.

He has suffered from depression before and has recently been to see the doctor who thinks it is the same again. DH has decided this is. It the case, that he is just unhappy. Am I clutching at straws thinking it is the depression pushing me away??

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friendlyduck · 25/11/2013 18:20

Should say this isn't the case

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/11/2013 19:50

If he's depressed and getting treatment, great. But I don't think you should take a statement as hurtful as you describe lying down, especially as you have both had a very tough year. That's adding insult to injury and illness is no excuse. Has he had the good grace to apologise?

onetiredmummy · 25/11/2013 21:40

What do you want duck, do you want to stay together?

Minime85 · 25/11/2013 22:28

sorry to hear u are going through this and sounds like a very tough yr too. my H announced similar to me in June. we, I say we loosely more like I, tried to make it work but it didn't. now separated.

have u tried counselling? have you looked at how you could improve your relationship ? what you could both do.

its very hard to hear someone u love say that to you so be prepared to go through lots of emotions. I was very upset which turned into bitterness and anger.

hope u can sort things out if that's what u would like. but know u aren't alone. that helped me as before I came on here I felt very ashamed and isolated.

friendlyduck · 25/11/2013 22:36

Thanks. Yes I want nothing more than to stay together.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/11/2013 23:45

If you love him, this must wound you very much. What did he expect you to do on hearing that?

If he is in the grip of depression he won't be deliberately trying to hurt you. But you can't let this go unchallenged. If however over the next few weeks you have any sense that he is looking for answers elsewhere and may even be crying on someone's shoulder to the extent he has formed a new emotional bond, you're should ask him to level with you.

Are you able to ask someone close to you both to intercede? Someone who he can trust to talk to. Does he confide in an old friend or family member? Or a mentor or colleague at his old place of work?

I am guessing if he started his new job fairly recently he'll be reluctant to take time off but you could both do with a proper break and chance to talk together.

He may have hidden this from you for some time especially if he felt he had somehow let you down by falling prey to depression before. Can you elicit a promise from him he'll go back to his GP in a month's time if what he terms his 'unhappiness' hasn't lifted?

This may be a total misinterpretation so ignore if it strikes you as far-fetched. Grief can make us very vulnerable and the risk of losing what we hold most dear is terrifying. He might not want to let you go but paradoxically would rather push you away now than endure further loss later on. Voicing what he dreads could be testing the water to see if there's any grain of truth and how you react.

I am so sorry about your mc friendlyduck and now this added stress.

spindlyspindler · 26/11/2013 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

friendlyduck · 26/11/2013 17:53

The difficult thing is that is so unexpected. I am dreading Christmas. Thank you for the advice, I think the doctor promise is a good thing. I am currently not pushing anything and said he has all the time he needs. He is a good man, this is not like him.

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Charbon · 27/11/2013 01:53

I'm very sorry to raise this, but when I see a post like this about a man suddenly claiming he doesn't love his wife any longer, is unhappy and has started a new job in recent times, my thoughts instantly turn to the possibility that he has met someone else at his new workplace.

In fact, I've never known this set of circumstances and there not to be another woman involved.

The very worst approach to this is to 'give it time' because even subconsciously, you will be trying to get him to love you again and if there is someone else involved, that will be a fruitless task because if it's an affair this isn't about you and you will be jumping through endless hoops to no avail. There is also no motivation to make a decision if an ambivalent person still has all his choices intact. Loss is the greatest motivator and antidote to ambivalence.

He might well be a 'good man' but good people have affairs.

The failsafe strategy in this situation is to take control and tell him that you cannot stay with someone who isn't sure of his feelings for you. As a pragmatist however I would also counsel you to be vigilant to any evidence of an association with someone else and to look for your own evidence of that rather than asking your husband about it. Logically, if there is someone else and he hasn't disclosed that already, he doesn't want you to find out about it. Given what you've said and my experience of seeing this very situation played out in RL and on MN many times over the years, I would be astonished if there wasn't someone else involved.

Discovery of this is devastating, but it does bring matters to a head and a couple can only make wise decisions about the future once all the information is known by both of them. It is far better to know than two possible other scenarios; you competing for his affections while staying together or him leaving at your request, keeping an affair secret and then wanting to come back when it's ended. Acknowledging that an affair is involved is painful and you might decide there's no way back from it, but at least that would be an informed decision and not one made blindly without knowledge. Conversely, many couples find that discovery stops an affair in its tracks and with effort, it's possible to build a new relationship as long as the other relationship is terminated immediately.

Please consider this carefully and forget any illusions you might have about your husband being a 'good man who isn't the type'. There are no types, but there are a lot of people in happy relationships who meet new colleagues and fail to put up any boundaries in a new friendship.

friendlyduck · 27/11/2013 12:39

I am sure he is not having an affair. It is a new role not a new company and the only two women in the office are unavailable (one on maternity leave and the other is a lot lot older).

charbon I know it sound like I am naive but I am not! He is depressed - the doctor told him so but he has refused to accept this. He doesn't know if he loves me, has said he doesn't like himself so does not know how he can love someone else. He is crying often, disinterested in all his usual hobbies and can't sleep. He is snappy and irritable, then hysterically happy and jolly.

I truly believe that this is all caused by depression and that he should go to the doctors again. If he gets his head straight and still feels like this then so be it, but I would prefer that to him just refusing to do anything.

He has agreed as donkey sad to return to the doctors after christmas if he still feels the same, "although it won't help".

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hellsbellsmelons · 27/11/2013 13:37

After Christmas??
Why not now?
If he really feels like this does he want things to work between you?
You cannot save a relationship all by yourself.
I'd personally be giving him some space.
Do you have family or friends you could stay with for a couple of days to get your head cleared at all?
I would not want to be with someone who no longer loved me.
And yes, to Charbon
Although it may not be it has all the hallmarks of being an affair or an EA.
If you really believe this is depression and he won't agree to see the GP until after Christmas then he is not taking you or your feelings into account at all here.
He's expecting you to 'put up and shut up'!
I'd be gone for a while - sorry.

OneMoreChap · 27/11/2013 14:13

I've had depression.

I didn't get unattached to DW, rather horribly clingy.
I knew I was unwell and wanted treatment, and was cooperative with GP/mental health team.

If that's the case, I'm sorry, he does need to get treatment but he has to want it.

I took DW to see doctors with me; if your dh has suffered from depression before and has recently been to see the doctor who thinks it is the same again I'd suggest the doctor is right, and you ought to be invited by DH to go and see the GP with him.

IF DH won't do that, I'd listen to some of the other posters...

friendlyduck · 27/11/2013 14:38

Thanks everyone. When I myself had post natal depression I was clingy, DH goes into reverse. After Christmas only because I want to give him space, he won't admit to depression - he needs to accept this first. He is burnt out. He wants it to work, he just does not know how he feels (about me, him, his job, his father etc.).

He still wants to be hugged and held by me. And clings on. I have offered him the chance to go and stay with his DM but he wants to stay here.

Bloody depression. Grrrr.

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friendlyduck · 27/11/2013 14:40

And I don't want to go as DS will be devastated - Christmas is about the kids after all!!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/11/2013 14:41

And has he apologised for the original crushing comment?

friendlyduck · 27/11/2013 14:44

Yes. For hurting me. Not for what he said, which feels he is still unsure of - having been there though if you don't love yourself it is hard to love anyone else!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/11/2013 14:54

I don't thing that's a safe conclusion, sorry. However crappy someone feels about themselves, they may think they don't deserve the love of the other person but they know damn well how they feel about them. Saying he is unsure whilst wanting to be hugged and held etc is the definition of biting the hand that feeds you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/11/2013 18:00

I'd be hoping for an appointment before Christmas, the jollity of the festive period can be crushing.

If this change of job was forced on him, re-structuring, it may have been a straw breaking the camel's back, following bereavement.

People do strange things under pressure. He may have depression, which distorts a person's view of everything. He may have reached out to a third party. You may feel it may not be in the man you married to do such a thing, but such things do happen, which then in turn could make him feel worse. A sort of domino effect of bad things piling up, with you stuck in the middle.

An alternative is that a person can do things calculatingly and uses a hitherto genuine situation to plausibly excuse any behaviour out of the ordinary. It is horrible to betray a person's trust like that and then I'm afraid you'd have a very different situation on your hands and would have to review where you stand long term.

I thought OneMoreChap had a good idea, offer to go with him to the doctor's.

CinnamonPorridge · 27/11/2013 18:13

duck, a good friend is going through this atm. Her dh was off sick with burn out, went back too early, had only a few therapy sessions and is now off sick indefinitely, and finally on meds.
Before this he said he wanted a divorce. Friend was devastated. I tried my best to help her understand how he is lashing out to his nearest and dearest. Because he himself didn't know what was going on with him. Depression is a nasty bugger and many relationships don't survive, because hurtful things are said which cannot be forgiven.

I've had pnd, I know I felt very awful at times and really have high regards for my dh who knew this wasn't me. I said hurtful things because I was in a right state.

Please get your dh to the gp asap.

friendlyduck · 01/12/2013 10:34

Things have moved on a bit ... He wants to try and make things work.

Sadly the depression seems to have got an even deeper hold, he can't get out of bed and has lost interest in most things he normally loves, even DS has started to question why he is sad.

I am going to the doctors this week to discuss him and what we can do to help.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/12/2013 11:58

www.sane.org.uk You may find this website helpful.

How are you doing OP? I hope talking to your GP helps. I know there is sadly still some stigma attached to us not coping and whatever is at the root of this I hope you get adequate support.

friendlyduck · 02/12/2013 13:19

Thanks Donkey. I am OK, just trying to work this out. He is at least talking about things now

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