I feel sorry for DD having parents like you

[Warbride]

Text from my mother after a big row last weekend. She feels sorry for my DD having parents like me and DH. Nice eh!

No, you can't pander to her. That is a truly horrible thing to say.

Does she say things like that when you DD is actually around? If so, then Im afraid that things are pretty bad.

If not, then I think your choices are to either speak to her plainly and tell her its not accpetable. If she doesnt listen, then you have a choice to let it roll off you (how, I cant imagine) or going Non contact (admittedly also a very difficult choice).

But if she is saying things like this around your DD, then I'm afraid that you have to consider it is extremely damaging for her, too as Im quite sure you realise! Under no circumstance should she be hearing this kind of crap. :(

I would say ignore her and go NC.

You don't need this vile woman in your life - mother or not.

My mother texted me recently that I had moved my DD1 schools because I had a terrible relationship with my DD1 and wanted to get rid of her by sending her to a school further away. She also proceeded to say, in the same text, that just because I had "issues", I didn't have to make DD1 pay for them.

I haven't really spoken to her since and I am seriously considering going NC. This is the end of a long list of horrible things, so not the first, but I know it is hurtful and as an adult with children I feel I don't need this sort of behaviour in my life...

Blueberry, I think you'd be fully justified in going NC. That's horrible and so projecting.

It's hard now because Christmas is coming and I know that she will kick off before hand ref seeing DD. I wouldn't put it past her to seek legal advice for access. If she doesn't get her own way she can and will make life hell.

Warbride do you really think sending your DD to her will be a benefit? Are you hoping that your mother won't treat your DD as bad as she is treating you?

You do realise that your mum will manipulate your DD? The behaviour you've described sounds like classic emotional abuse. Your mother is horrid to you because she can and when you can't take anymore she turns all nice to 'hoover' you back. Then the cycle starts again.

If you do not want to cut contact then I would advise to reduce contact especially for your DD. Plan your own Christmas and she has to fit in with that or toughtitty.

I realise this is difficult to do at first but it does get easier. You do not have to run round after her if you do not want to. Take some control back, this is your life and you are a mum too.

Warbride you seem to hold all the cards here as your mum wants to see DD and she also wants whatever Narcisstic Supply you will provide (look up Narcisstic Personality Disorder - NPD). Don't let her overpower you or emotionally engulf you. It sounds like your DH is also fed up with her so you can present a united front. Decide with DH what your boundaries are and stick to them. Personally there is no way I would send any child of mine to spend time with her alone. Why reward your bully and torturer. Let her rant and rave. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

warbride your MIL has no rights in law to ave access to your DD so don't worry about that, she can threaten lawyers all she wants it won't go anywhere.

Sorry MOTHER

My mother has bi polar and other issues. In her case when she is ill she is vile, but she had long periods in between. Is only now how I'm beginning to realise how self absorbed she is when well. I've no idea how to handle it. I've got very low self esteem and still fall into the trap of wondering what I did wrong or what I can chance each time she goes off on one. I hate that the kids are now old enough to notice.

I've struggled with it in the past as at the ends of the day she has a psychiatric problem but I'm not good at protecting my own feelings.

What makes it harder in my brain is that she DOES care when my brother is ill and is interested in his children and regularly goes there to help. She won't even when I came out of hospital or hadn't slept for days.

I know I'm the adult but it still all hurts so much.

This post is so sad and there are some heart breaking stories. I am full of admiration by the way you are all facing your individual situations and ensuring the pattern is not repeated. >

I used to get messages like this. Then I went nc, moved and got an harassment warning given to her. Problem solved. They do not change and you should not tolerate such rubbish.Like Northern my mother has very severe mh problems, but that could not excuse years of awful behaviour. Its been along time now so its not so raw. Life is alot better without her in it.

It's a shame though isn't it that it comes to this. She treats me like a child still and expects me to do as I am told. I have never conformed to her ways and she hates that. She also makes me out to be a monster to whoever will listen.

Thanks for the show of support. It's nice to talk to people who suffer as I do. I know the non contact route is the way to go but it's going to be hard. Right now we are not speaking and I won't be making the first move. But I also know that this isn't over and that scares me as I cannot deal with anymore grief from her. I am still a bit frightened of her I guess.

I get that you are frightened of her, but sit and think for a while, what can she do? Really?

She cant make your life hell if you dont let her. If you choose to go NC then get another sim and email to use day to day and keep the others going only to keep a record of any abusive messages.

She cant physically force you to do anything, dont worry too much about the access thing, the costs involved would be astronomical and given her history of abuse and her current behaviour, she would be onto a loser anyway. She would just use it as a threat to try and get you to conform.

Remember, she has no power over you.

I had solicitors letters sent two weeks after giving birth with my mum demanding access. I ignored it, they don't have any rights. Still amazed she actually did that.

Plenty if the grandchild concerned has had a long and healthy relationship with the GP then they can sometimes get access through the courts, especially if the withdrawal of access is seen as a malicious act by the parent. But if it is because of concerns of safety or abuse then it is unlikely they would get access. As with all access cases, it is all considered from the POV of the childs right to a relationship with whoever is seeking access to them, not the rights of the adults. Children have the rights, we have responsibilities.

and the cost is absolutely insane. Unless she can afford to chuck away tens of thousands on a case she is unlikely to win, I very much doubt she would go that far. Like your mum she would probably send letters in the hope the OP backs down, but wont take it further.

She got legal aid up to a point with the letters, it was a while a go now. Ds was just out of hospital and was only couple of weeks old so no established relationship. She just did not like being told no basically. She knew I was pregnant and made no attempts of building bridges (thank god) Most mothers help their daughters when they have a baby, not mine! I then got lots of abusive letters so not a person I would want in my childs life.

Soap that's exactly what I suspect mine would do and not because she really wants to see DD. Just because she is bored and has nothing else to do also as a way at getting back at me an DH. DH stuck up for me and gave her a mouthful. She hates the fact he actually stood up to her. That's got to her more than anything else.