How to react to exh's texts?

[sadformyex]

I'm hoping that some of you may have experience of handling an ex who is not letting go...

We were married 13 yrs, together 20 and have 3 dcs. We first separated 4 years ago, circumstances meant we weren't able to live apart at the time but I was very happy with the decision and was willing to put up with the living arrangements temporarily until we could move into separate homes..
Very long story short, we reconciled after about 8 months... It felt like the right thing to do on my part as I wanted to give it every chance before telling the kids ( we managed to keep it from them unbelievably).
We moved away and started afresh, for a short while I thought it was doable but soon realised I just wasn't in love with him anymore, struggled on for another few months and then finally told him in march that I just wasn't happy and wanted to end it.
He was devastated both times but was more accepting this time, it has been very amicable and we've both worked together to make it as easy as possible for the kids.
He moved out in June and lives nearby, sees the kids a lot and has made a nice home for them.
Thing is though he wants me back. He is incredibly down and sad whenever we see eachother, can barely make eye contact. We communicate mainly by text and I try to keep it to the minimum, only texting regarding arrangements about the kids etc but every so often I get texts from him telling me how shit he feels, how sad he is, how he wishes I was there with him.
I've moved on totally. Im dating a guy for the past few months and I'm 100 percent sure that the decision to end my marriage was the right one...
I have been very careful to keep my new relationship away from my family, just told a couple of close friends as I know my ex isn't anywhere near being ready to hear news like that.
In his latest texts he is telling me how he hopes I have found happiness, that at least then something good has come out of this mess, that he hopes my new man loves me... It's heartbreaking and making me feel like shit.
I don't think he could actually know for sure that I'm seeing someone but is putting 2 and 2 together himself.
So far I've been trying to ignore his texts, the odd time I reply saying I don't know what to say or do to make it better for him but that texting me like this will achieve nothing.
Sorry for the epic post but didn't want to drip feed, have any of you had to cope with this situation? He's a lovely guy and I don't want to hurt him any more than I have but I just wish I knew how to respond to him when he's like this.

I think you need to tell him the truth. He is second guessing, probably in the hope that you will say there is nobody else.

All the while he thinks there may be a chance of getting back together, like you did before, he will not be able to move on.

It will hurt him but he needs to know the truth IMO. That will give him a chance to move on.

Thanks What... I just thought its far too soon, especially as he is so down. I see your point though, maybe he's hoping for another reconciliation, even though I've made it really clear there's no going back this time.

You know him best, I'm just drawing on my own experience. I just know that I kept holding out for my H to love me again until I found out he was with someone else. My situation is different as he was cheating on me but during that time, I hoped we could get back together. Once I found out, it was/is still hard for me but, it has helped me move on a little.

Always, always make it clear.

The old saw is cruel to be kind; but it's right.

Just a thought it might be harder for him the longer you keep it from him as when you do tell him, he'll probably ask how long you've been with your DP and it may hurt him more to know you kept it from him for a period of time.

I hope you don't think I'm being harsh, I'm just thinking how he would react.

Just tell him the truth, love

he deserves that, doesn't he ?

You must tell him.

If he is hoping for a reconciliation maybe this is what he needs to let go of it.

You could tell him something like, 'Thank you for wishing me happiness. I believe I am finding it; and I wish the same for you, too.'

Thanks everyone for your advice. It's so helpful to hear other people's perspectives on it... I was told today in RL by a friend that he was emotionally abusive and it was none of his business what I was doing or who I was doing it with. I don't believe that though, I just think he's incredibly sad and wishes he could turn back the clock.
We've promised the kids we'll do Christmas dinner together, just the 5 of us. It's going to be hard enough as it is but I can't imagine him being able to make it through the day knowing I'm seeing somebody else.

But sad you're not responsible for his emotional wellbeing.

He needs to move on and the best way for him to do that is to know, without a doubt, that there's no going back.

You are not doing him any favours, love

From what I've read, he hasn't been an arse. I think, therefore, he deserves the truth.

wtf Christmas dinner?

Your having Christmas dinner with him might raise his hopes for a reconciliation. Its an incredibly mixed message.

Tel him about new man, that should make him realise that you've moved on & he has to do the same. You have to realise that you are not responsible for ex's state of mind or how he deals with things that trouble him. His wellbeing is not your concern.

You have to detach or he will not be able to move on. Turning back the clock isn't an option but by playing happy families at Christmas & tiptoeing round him is keeping him in a mind that you might get back together. Plus what does new man think of you spending Christmas with your ex.

Do what is best for you & your new man, he has to deal with his own life & his emotions therein.

OP, are you 110% sure you are not keeping one teeny little toe in that camp ? < piercing look >

I think he deserves to know the truth. saying it now leaves 5 weeks until Christmas for him to digest it all and take it in so hopefully u can still have a nice Christmas dinner too.

It is still 4 weeks until xmas

Credit the man with not dying of a broken heart before then.

Yeah I know it sounds odd that we're having dinner together... It was one of the reassurances we gave the kids when we first told them of the split and they are all looking forward to it...
I know I'm not responsible for his emotional well being but I suppose I feel a sense of guilt about moving on so quickly and easily compared to him... I think he knows there's somebody on the scene, it seems the general consensus is to confirm that for him?
I told my bf about our plans for Xmas, he seemed to understand.. We haven't met each others families or anything yet, I wouldn't be seeing him on the day anyhow.

No. Don't do Christmas together.

Yes. It will be hard on him & kids.
It would be much kinder. "Mummy & Daddy don't live together anymore. Sometimes you will eat with me; sometimes with him"

Anything else is unfair to everybody including new chap.

It may not be abusive yet, but it's still emotional blackmail.
You should tell him to stop it, that the separation is final, that he must find a way of dealing with it by himself and that you won't reply to any more of those texts. You can explain to him that in fact he is harassing you. If he persists, then you can tell him that you may find no other way than to report them to the police.

In any case, stop replying to such texts.

I understand the Christmas dinner thing, but if you go through with it for the children, then it should be the last. The children will also benefit from a clear, clean break up, rather than a muddled and confusing separation. I'm sure they won't enjoy the tense atmosphere at Christmas dinner anyway, even if they think now that it's something that they want.
In any case, you can ask them if they are ok with not having a joint dinner and explain why.

I'm on my phone so can't scroll down to check names but thanks all for the replies...
I feel it's too late to back out of the dinner now, we've agreed to go to a nice hotel for lunch on the day, that way neither of us have to host the day which we feel would be less awkward... He'll then take the kids on to see his family and I'll go spend the evening with mine.. I do agree though that this will be the first and last time we'll do it, I can see that the lines are all a bit blurred for the kids and it could be confusing for them... I guess we were trying to minimise the Impact on them by telling them we'd still do things as a family, they found the split a huge shock mainly because we never argued. We explained to them that we were friends and always would be, hence the family time promises.
I need to snap out of this mindset though, that I'm responsible for all of this therefore I have to take on all his emotional baggage too.