Dating an introvert!!

[longstoryshort]

Hi all, male writing.

A year ago I broke up with my gf of three years. Now I feel prepared to go into another relationship. I miss loving and being loved. Signed up for online dating, messages coming through, all's good, but not really.

I have been on a number of dates but they are filled with awkward silences. I am not good at making conversations. When I do try to make conversation it doesn't come naturally to me so feels weird.

What can I do to make it not so? I can't change the fact that I am an introvert and not into bantering.

Suggestions?
Thanks

Being an introvert doesn't mean having nothing to say. Introverts can make conversation, they just don't tend to like idle chatter, big groups etc.

First, cut yourself some slack. If your OD awkward silences on first dates will happen. I'm an introvert an OD'd. I had some dates which were cringeworthy, but others were the conversation flowed and flowed. It will depend on how well you click with your date. I find actually fancying them helps too as it forces you to make an effort. You're strangers, it can be difficult to know what to talk about.

But then stop cutting yourself slack. Social skills are important, especially if you want a partner. I'll be honest, as a woman some of the more socially inept shy dates did make me want to pull my fingernails out. It's OK to not to be gregarious and to find new people hard work. But you have to recognise that this is common and what other people do is work to overcome it.

What do you talk about with your friends? What did you talk about with your ex girlfriends? How does "making conversation" feel weird? Or do you mean randomly picking up any old topic feels weird? If the latter than of course it will you're not a hairdresser, so find a topic that you are interested in. If you're really struggling just ask questions.

Is it that you can't think of anything to say? I'm like this with some people, but with others the conversation flows. I think its a chemistry thing!

Have a few questions prepared- people generally like to talk about themselves as they're usually an expert on the subject.

Ask things like - so what was your favourite holiday, or their job, not the minutiae, but how did they get into it.

If you've got a couple of questions prepared then you can fill the awkward silences so they're not awkward.

Anecdotes are good, it's nice to think beforehand about situations you found amusing or interesting and then work them subtly into conversation.

But with some people, the 'click' isn't there and you have to put it down to the fact that some people just don't gel. Not your fault, it's a chemistry thing. With the right chemistry you'll get to the end of the date and neither of you will have to have used your fallback questions.

Good luck

Questions are good. Smiling is good. Having a few opinions about news stories of the day is good. If it's online dating and someone has listed their interests, get them to tell you about some of those. If you feel uncomfortable playing the part of longstoryshort, re-cast yourself as a chat show host perhaps :)

I agree with the plan ahead suggestion. I am an introvert too and socialising with people I don't know well will never come naturally to me, but before I meet someone who I don't know well I read the papers, review what I did in the last couple of weeks (not the boring stuff, but I love attending talks and debates and going to the cinema and theatre and these usually give some grist to the mill), and think of a few (to me) funny stories. A first meeting is a great chance to use the stories you have used successfully before because they are all new to the person hearing them.

People normally tell me I come over as very confident. If only they knew…

I think of it as like improv. comedians. They don't really improvise, they have set pieces which they can trot out if the occasion looks right for it.

The aim of a first date is to get to a second date. I'm not suggesting you hide the real you, just that you make sure you are easy and pleasant to be with.

Usually when you meet someone for the first time, you can get a feel for the kind of person they are straight away. Sometimes they will be really chatty from the off, which makes conversation easier because they can talk and you can listen more, but if they are a bit quiet I tend to fall into everyday Chit-chat mode; talking about the weather, telly, what I had for dinner last night, etc, etc...

My job involves being sociable, so perhaps that helps me a little, but really all you want with first dates is just a bit of light chatting to see if you both get on. Save the heavy topics for when you know someone better and just have a natter about the everyday things in life.

I married an introvert and I'm an extrovert (I think). You need a talker. A lady that doesn't feel uncomfortable when you don't say much and listens when you do. It works (well, used to... long story).

I'm an extrovert and love being with introverts.

Have you read Quiet - the power of the introverts? The introverts I know who have read it have really gained some confidence and reassurance from this book in this terribly extroverted world.

First dates that involve active participation are good icebreakers for introverts.

Instead of having to sit in a pub and suffer awkward silences or get embarrasongly drunk, do something like (meet up at the venue) for an ice hockey game (hot dogs and hot coffee in the game breaks for conversation) or ice skating outdoors and a hot mocha afterwards or er, ok I'm stuck now!

I agree that us introverts can make conversation, one on one is usually our forte rather than suffer a room full of strangers. Be flirty. If you fancy them, give them a cheeky glint and see of the chemistry is returned.

Thanks for all your suggestions.

I can't just talk about anything. Things I am passionate about, like my work, I can talk at length, but I can't just banter about anything. I feel like speaking only when it's of interest or it is required. Otherwise I am unable to just make conversation.

mcmoonfucker - Thanks for recommending Quiet. Sounds interesting so will def give it a read.

Have you been on such dates with some introverts or a quiet person? What were your thoughts? Did they turn out to me true?

I have a few dates later in the week so will implement the ideas given and update.

I went on a date with an introvert and it wasn't the best but only because he came across so extroverted when we were in a large group.

I'd consider myself and introvert although others think otherwise.

He barely spoke, he would hardly look at me, and I kind of felt like I was forcing the conversation in the end. He called me after saying he had lots of fun

As long as you're making the effort you'll be fine. Be yourself! it'll only become tiring if you try to be somebody that you're not. I agree with other posters, chemistry plays a part too.

try to be open-minded too. You say a subject has to be 'of interest' - you might get interested in their hobbies/work if you make an effort to listen, and with time - don't dismiss sunjects that you know nothing about or have no interest so far, juat let them talk and ask question as they go along. It's important to form the right first impression, and that is to come across as if you can listen and care about what they say and do, not just be interested in yourself and your own work. You can always talk about your work too if the subject comes up but be creful not to go into a long monologue!

Nicky - hilarious re 'he had a lot of fun' . Did you meet again?

Personally I'd rather have an introvert who is clearly making an effort (don't mind if he's awkward/nervous), than a man who talk at me on first date and interrupts all the time before I finish the sentence!

talks at