Sister keeps breaking my boundaries

[Balistapus]

Hi there. I’m a long time lurker and would really appreciate some advice regarding my relationship with my sister.
My sister and I grew up with an overbearing, emotionally abusive mother and were both affected by this. However, 10 years ago I had an epiphany, grew up and decided to be the best person I could be, including being the best sister I could be. Unfortunately, I don’t feel this is reciprocated. My sister is not a bad person and I’ve seen her do kind and thoughtful things for her friends. In general though, she behaves like she neither respects me nor cares about me. She makes me feel like an emergency friend, someone to be used when her real friends aren’t around, then abandoned when they reappear – doesn’t reply to texts, doesn’t return calls, turns up late or not at all when we arrange to meet up. She’s there for me when she wants to be, but not when I actually need her. 9 times out of 10 I try to ignore this behaviour just to keep the peace. Occasionally though, she behaves in a way which I find so thoughtless that I can’t help but become annoyed. It’s at these times that I feel her behaviour becomes almost contemptuous of me. Rather than making any attempt to understand the sequence of events she seems to defend her behaviour and then cut me off – often for months at a time – in what appears to be punishment for being annoyed with her. She reappears months later having ‘forgiven’ me and carries on as normal. This pattern of events has been played out several times over the last few years.
18 months ago I decided I’d had enough and told her that I couldn’t have a relationship with someone who cuts me off like that. She defended her behaviour, but her final words were “ok”. Well, 6 months ago she cut me off again. When she got back in touch and I spoke to her about it she said that I got annoyed with her “for no reason”, which stresses her out, so she was entitled to cut me off and wasn’t going to promise not to do it again.

As far as I’m concerned our relationship is over. The question is...she’s emailed me to ask if I want to go to the theatre with her at Christmas. I know she’s not interested in discussing things and is just trying to carry on as normal so I don’t know what to say to her. What would you say?

Thanks for reading!

No thanks?

I would not respond. You can't really say anything real or honest without being cut off again.

I would either not respond
.or respond reiterating what you said beforehand. Either way do not give in and go.to the theatre you will be back to square one!

Am I reading it right that you are currently in a period of communicating following her cutting you off?

If so, I'd just email "No thanks". No explanation/further detail.

If not (and you were, so far as you knew, still being blanked), I wouldn't reply at all.

Wow, thanks for the speedy replies!

Yes, I'm erring towards not responding, but guilt is making me think it's rude not to reply.

I know I can't mention the issue as this will be met with "I can't believe you're still going on about that, why can't you just let it go!",

and I meant what I said about not having a relationship with someone who thinks it's ok to behave like that so don't want to go otherwise.

Wow this is so familiar to me as my sister behaves this way too. It's really upsetting to be treated this way by someone you think should be your biggest champion, i mean they are your sister so they should love you and defend you shouldn't they! I have recently seen a bit more of my sister after having taken real step back from her so i am waiting to see how things develop. It's hard to cut off family and i now care less about what she thinks of me having spent years behaving like a bit of a doormat because i wanted her to like me as much as i liked her. So I've given my sister another chance but who knows if i might regret it in a few months!

Agree with the others.
Either no response at all or a 'No thanks'
I think if you make a stand this time she might get the message that she is totally unreasonable and sort herself out.
OK, wishful thinking - but you never know!

If you want no relationship with her, that means not interacting with her. Just ignore the message.

I'd say you have to decide if you really want to keep to your decision to say No More of This, or if you want things to continue the way they are with the on/off relationship before you can decide if you want to go to the theatre.

You clearly get some things out of it -someone who knows and remembers the same family background that formed you for one thing, something that is rarely mentioned about going NC is that you can end up with no one who remembers you as a small child, which is a lonely thing- but equally it doesnt sound like she treats you with the respect you want to be treated with and that isnt going to change easily. Certainly not at your request.

Is it worth continuing contact? once you have decided, the rest is a matter of letting the consequences unfold (either being treated in this on/off fashion or else handling the difficult feeling that come with NC until you've got used to the new status quo).

I don't think I would cut off my sister for this, though I can see why you'd be tempted too, instead I would try to accept her for who she is, accept the relationship for what it is and then have a think about what I want from the relationship. You can't change her behaviour or how she feels about you but, if you enjoy seeing her when you do see her,then do just that and don't feel obliged to do more than you want to for her.

I know what you men DrHampster. I think I've allowed her to have total control of the relationship because I wanted her to be a sister to me, ie, be there when I need her, not let me down.
For clarification, we discussed things after her latest cutting off and it was then that she said she won't promise not to do it and I said that was it then. About a week later she texted me saying she missed me and hoped we could sort things out for the sake of our children. For the first time in my life I didn't reply to her, that was 2 weeks ago.
I don't want to go NC with her - I'll see her at Christmas at my folks anyway - but I find being cut off from someone extremely painful. I don't know if that's normal or a result of my upbringing. The pain lasts as long as the cutting off. SInce I decided to move on I've started to heal and am reloctant to have the scab picked off by starting the pattern again.

My mum (who isn't toxic like yours!) was one of four sisters and has said when talking about their relationship and the relationship between my sister and i that sisters can be the best of friends or the worst of enemies because you each know the buttons to press to get a reaction. And i know what you mean about it being painful, i really took a knock to my confidence thinking that i must be an awful person if my own sister could treat me badly. I think we were out of contact just long enough for me to build myself back up and harden myself to her so if there are any signs of her previous behaviour i will just back off from her again. I don't have the answers to your situation because I'm not convinced I've handled my situation very well but it feels better to know I'm not the only person that doesn't have a great relationship with their sister!

I think what i was trying to say was maybe you need to take a bit longer then let her back into your life when you feel stronger and ready to lay down some groundrules.

No guilt.
Just say, "No thanks and I told you that I couldn’t have a relationship with someone who cuts me off like that. You did. We don't have a relationship any longer. KTHXBAI".

Personally, I would keep quiet and enjoy my time with her at the theatre. But everyone says I'm a push over like that. My sister and I have had little relationship since her early teens. I treasure the time I get.

I have made some things clear though. When we were younger and lived at home she expected me to leave presents outside her bedroom door and not to have to see me to get them. I was resigned to this, but when she did not thank me I withdrew her presents for next time and (my parents - she wouldn't speak to me) told her why.

Not very helpful advice, but I would say go with your heart and what you feel is best for you personally.

Don't respond at all. It isn't rude, it's being consistent. You need to consistently not have anything to do with her. Then she may get the message that her behaviour is unacceptable. If you carry on as before after she's finished sulking with you, you're telling her you're fine with it.

A feud is exhausting and unhelpful for both of you. You can have a loving relationship without living in each other's pockets and having too high expectations of one another.

I would take control in these circumstances. Reply saying no thanks, but thanks for thinking of me... then perhaps say you hope just you two can catch up some time soon for coffee/lunch or whatever.