I'm bothered by this - toxic parent?

[VenusStarr]

Something happened yesterday and I wish I'd said something at the time and now it is still bothering me, although it doesn't directly involve me.

Visited parents yesterday with sister and niece. I have posted in the past about the strained relationship between myself and my parents. To me they just are two adults who I occasionally have to meet up with, they take no interest in mine or my sisters life, but we feel obligated to maintain contact, even though it is oppressive and unpleasant most of the time when we see them.

So what happened was we were eating and my niece was wriggling and started to throw herself back in the chair - she has just started to sit in a big chair as opposed to high chair. I was holding the back of the chair to prevent it from tipping and my sister had already told her no and to stop it and was distracting her with food, which was working. My mother then shouts at my niece to sit still :(

We had already been sitting at the table for around 20 minutes so I can imagine why my 18mo niece was getting frustrated and jiggly.

Im annoyed that I didn't say anything at the time. I spoke to my sister after and she feels the same as me, neither of us know why we didn't challenge my mother on what she did. It was totally inappropriate. My niece was being disciplined by her mum (my sister) so why did my mother undermine her and shout?

This is just one thing in a long line of things that make me think my mother is toxic, I quite frankly would easily have no further contact with her.

This is long, sorry. Don't really know what I'm asking really :(

Thank you both. I will also check out the toxic parents book.

I know what you're saying about emailing, it's difficult not to get dragged into a tit for tat type argument so I just tried to keep it to the point and explain that him dismissing my feelings was keeping the issue going. But if he replies I'm not going to respond. I've said what I needed to say and told him that her behaviour was inappropriate and upsetting.

I think emailing was the 'easier' option as I couldn't face talking to him / them face to face and it would fester, I'd get more and more frustrated and upset and resent them. So I feel better that I've acknowledged it and spoken out.

Had no response to the email, but she has called my sister to apologise for shouting at my niece. Don't know any more than that, but she has at least acknowledged that she was in the wrong.

Venusstar I have had very similar experiences with my father and an uncle speaking in an inappropriate manner to my son. My mother is a very unhealthy person for me too. I have been on the stately homes board. It's always very helpful but also scarily accurate and I find it upsetting to read. I have been NC now for a good while but just had contact with Dad in summer and Mum just couple of weeks ago. Both went terribly really. Shocking. Showed me that NC is maybe necessary on a long term basis. You're lucky to have your sister. My siblings are all part of the 'system.' Feels pretty lonely!

ProtectiveMother sorry to hear about your family and that contact didn't go well. The bit I find difficult is that my friends don't understand, it's difficult to admit that your mom doesn't care about you.

I would rethink whether you want to stay in contact with your parents OP.

You say, "To me they just are two adults who I occasionally have to meet up with, they take no interest in mine or my sisters life, but we feel obligated to maintain contact, even though it is oppressive and unpleasant most of the time when we see them."

Why are you maintaining contact, OP? Not everyone maintains contact with their parents - it is not compulsory. I am sorry that your parents are not a loving and supportive presence in your life.