Fed up with DH

[Karou]

He is deeply dissatisfied with his job, his sex life, his bank balance, his life..

Lets start with his sex life, well actually that should be our sex life shouldn't it? but apparently because I am ruining it it is his sex life that is a problem.

Actually I wonder if I am currently to emotionally wound up to write all this down but then if I wasn't wound up I wouldn't write it down and ask for some advice so here goes.

We have been married for five years and together for six. During the first couple of years we had sex maybe twice a week, it was and still is very satisfying for both of us. Following the birth of DS the frequency dropped off - lack of sleep etc but still was very satisfying. Over the last year we have had sex maybe twice a month but DH attitude has become obnoxious.

In the last few months he has accused me of having an affair - because I put makeup on and because I didn't want to have sex with him (I am not having an affair). I just want to feel good about my appearance and improve my confidence, I don't want to have sex because I feel under constant pressure and I don't feel attractive. He has now become convinced that I don't fancy him any more - actually he is a very attractive man and I do fancy him but his behaviour is driving me away. I can't seem to make him understand that leaving food on his chin at meal times is not funny and endearing its deeply unattractive, coming into the bedroom, grabbing the window sill, squatting, grimacing and farting (I kid you not) is never going to result in me wanting to jump his bones. I don't want to see him sitting on the loo having a poo and I don't want him coming into the bathroom while I am on the loo and thinking its fine to launch into a conversation or brush his teeth. I feel repulsed when I go to do the washing up but first I have to rinse his gob down the plug. If I try to point out any of these behaviour misdemeanors to him he either shrugs and carries on, sulks or becomes irritated and argumentative. His mood can be very unpredictable - one minute I think we are having a light hearted disagreement the next he may lose his temper and start shouting and being really nasty (he is nasty when he loses his temper and when he has had a drink)

I'm not a prude but for me the intimacy of sex is built up over a course of hours and none of the behaviour mentioned above makes me feel even remotely intimate. I am feeling emotionally bullied and I don't know how to deal with it. I have started to dread weekends because I know that the nagging and sulking will get worse, I don't think I can live with this for much longer no matter how much I love him.

I am going to post this now and go and get my DS from school. Will be back later. I have never written all of this down or talked it over before and I don't know if it looks like I am making a mountain out of a molehill or if I really do have a problem. I don't have the sort of female friends you need in order to get some perspective on things. Sorry for the essay.

This man, like a fart in a lift, sounds unpleasant on a lot of levels.

Of course you don't feel intimate with someone who acts like a pig, accuses you of having affairs because you wear make up and is aggressive and a drinker. If you're dreading weekends and feel emotionally bullied that's not a good sign. If he prefers to blame you for everything rather than talk constructively or acknowledge he may be at fault at all, that's an even worse sign. You say you love him but I'm not really seeing anything loveable about this man.

Get a lock for the bathroom door, enjoy the uninterrupted peace, and then have a good think about where you'd like your life to go from here. You have options.

He is being completely disrespectful and if he cannot acknowledge that his behaviour is unacceptable then I really cannot see a future for your relationship :(

Apart from him being abusive verbally to you this is male loutish behaviour and some of us think it's funny.
I don't I find it childish.

You need to tell him that you dont find his behavour funny.

He sounds like eh is picking on you with the abuse thing. acusing you of this and that just because you are trying to look good.

In actual fact his behavour seems childish in all respects.

What's up with him, has he some issues he has not discussed with you? Something that causes him to act like this?

Put a stop to it! You need to have a honest talk with him one evening when you won't get distracted and tell him how all these things are making you feel.
Ask him why he is acting like this, there maybe something he is afraid to talk about.

He isn't a drunk, he us unpleasant when he has a drink.

I have listed the worst parts of his behaviour obviously because I am pissed off, so yeah he looks childish and boorish and he is but not all of the time.

Andy, there are many aspects of his life that he is unhappy about, he is generally a pessimist to my eternal optimist. Rationally I know that it is not my fault that he is unhappy but he has a way of making it sound like it is.

I try to tell him that his behaviour is turning me off but I hate confrontation and he will deliberately escalate a discussion to a fight in order to 'win' his point. The problem is that it makes me rather passive aggressive as I try to circumvent a full on fight. I seem to have lost the ability to be assertive.

Assertive means risking confrontation, unfortunately. No getting away from that. One of the markers of being in a bullying or emotionally abusive relationship is that the sufferer experiences the feeling of walking on eggshells (circumventing) and ends up saying nothing or hiding their feelings for fear of provoking an excessive reaction. Another marker is that they are made to feel responsible for the other person's miserable nature. Sadly, that's exactly where you are now.

I understand that he's not this bad all the time but that's actually another marker. Bullies alternate good and bad moods (I call it 'good cop, bad cop') as a way of unsettling their target who then goes on to waste a lot of time working out what they have to do to keep the bully happy so that they get 'good cop' rather than 'bad cop'.

As with all bullies, you have to risk the confrontation and let the resulting tantrums go over your head. Saying nothing simply crushes your self-esteem further and gives the bully encouragement to keep on in the same vein. It's either that or you call time and reject the bully completely.

The thing is that he would say that he has made huge personal sacrifices and changes for our marriage, these he did without my asking because he wanted to be with me. but it does seem to be thrown back at me when he is pissed off.

I don't like confrontation but I am not afraid of him I just can't be doing with arguing with him - he doesn't listen to me just talks over me, or if he does listen than he takes me so literally that it is absurd - I am not the best at articulating myself but he seems to deliberately misunderstand to make my point ridiculous, if there is a wrong way of taking something then he will take it - it is infuriating! Good cop, bad cop is quite a familiar scenario, I am never quite sure which way he will go, and yes, this can be off putting but I can't believe that he is deliberately trying to bully me. I don't know, maybe he is just that unhappy, the sacrifices that he made are just too much.

I am not concerned with the consequences of leaving him, other than the effects on the DC, but at this point I don't think that it is a necessary consideration. I would like to be able to sort it out.

I have to admit to bursting into laughter at his antics with the window sill.

Is he mentally subnormal ? No, sorry, that is an insult to people who are mentally subnormal.

Hysterical laughter aside, the man sounds like a complete tool. You say you are not being bullied, but you are certainly being controlled. You stay STFU because it is easier to do so. Is this what you aspired to when you married someone ? Having to keep your trap shut because you "don't know which way it will go" ?

Sacrifices made voluntarily but which end up thrown back in your face are not sacrifices, they are point-scoring opportunities with a side-order of resentment.

I understand that you don't want to believe that he is deliberately bullying you but not listening, talking over, deliberately misunderstanding, point-scoring and goading is bullying behaviour. If he's unhappy, it's not your job to make him happy. If he feels he's sacrificed too much, that's his mistake. It's not something he should use as a stick to beat you with and it's not something you should feel guilty about.

Leaving him may be a step too far but you have to set boundaries, risk confrontation and challenge, challenge, challenge.

It does sound funny, its not.

I don't have to stay with him, I would like to work it out. I'm not afraid of him I just can't be bothered with the argument.

I know it's not funny at all when it's your windowsill that is being used as a prop for ridiculously neanderthal behaviour. He sounds like a fucking pig, tbh.

Losing the will to stand your ground is really not a good sign for the future.

Were they "huge sacrifices," or is he just making a big meal out of them.
When you say you "don't know which way it will go," and that he "gets nasty," what exactly do you mean? I'm wondering if you're minimising here.

He sounds a complete tool, by the way. I presume he has some redeeming features? (please don't say "he's a good dad" because he takes them to the park once a week if there's no football on)

Sadly, if you keep avoiding the arguments you're less likely to work this out. He'll just ramp up the bad behaviour because he can.

It sounds to me like he's having an affair, or at least considering it.

What were the sacrifices he made?

You are not making a mountain out of a molehill. He will get worse and you will feel worse. You do need to make a stand. His behaviour shows you no love or respect. He is bullying you. If pushed, he may say he loves you but his actions betray the opposite - an awful lot of nastiness and hatred. You have a perfect right to feel angry because he is treating you badly. Many others will point out that his bullying you will be affecting your DS as well.

Plus, you have told him how you feel, communicated well and you are asking him to behave with respect. He knows you really hate the way he is behaving but he is continuing to do all the things you hate - ask yourself what that is about? It is not about love and mutual respect, which is what you have a right to in a balanced relationship.

I think it is time to lay this on the line. An ultimatum. And no amount shouting, arguing, talking over, complaining, threatening or intimidating words will make you change your mind. You do not have to accept this kind of behaviour. You are being reasonable in telling him it is unacceptable. And tell him that you refuse to carrying on living like this.
He will be angry - that seems to be his only weapon. That's what he thinks works in getting his own way. Show him it won't do.

Good luck.

He does have redeeming features. He is normally loving, gentle and generous just with some unpleasant personal habits. He spends hours with DS and is very patient with him.

He is older than me and before he met me had envisioned himself retiring on a good pension with his older DC starting uni. Then he met me, I have always been perfectly honest that I wanted more DC and that I only wanted to work part time until they are in full time school. So he agreed to go right back to the start again because he wanted to be with me but he is finding it hard. He is no longer comfortably off and he will still be going to parents evenings when he is seventy. Its another year before DS is in reception and I have started a business, I only work part time and I don't make much money but I will be able to put more time and effort into it next September. I guess DH thought I might change my mind but I simply cannot afford more childcare payments even if I would consider working full time.

So what you've got really is a grumpy, resentful & rather bitter old man who, rather than treat you as an equal, prefers to twist your words and make out he's made big sacrifices and is getting nothing back in return. Tell him to grow up... .

that about sums it up Cogito pulling up my big girl pants as I type.

I feel a lot better for putting it all down, thanks for the support.

It sounds like you are very understanding and aware of where he's coming from. But the fact is he agreed to make those sacrifices and can't punish you for them indefinitely.

Cailin I am just having a moan about some of his more revolting personal habits, I am very that he seems to think I can overlook these and still find him sexy. I will just have to spell it out to him, again. I guess its easy to forget, when you become so familiar with someone, quite how unpleasant some habits are.
I honestly don't think he realises that some of his behaviour is bullying, I will be putting him straight on that too.

Good luck, I hope he listens.

So you are going to start speaking up now, instead of STFU for an easy life ?

Good.

Mist STFU - shut the fuck up? I have never been this I'm tired of argument I'm not a push over. But, yes, I think I'm a little clearer on exactly what I need to say.

Again thanks for the clarity

yes, STFU = shut the fuck up

it is what he has been making you do by being such an argumentative, twisty, blamey, arrogant tosser

don't let him break your spirit

you sound so tired of it...sad to see