Advise needed re hubbys flirting

[angrymouse1]

Hi, I need advise please…..

So hubby and i happily married for years, no affairs etc etc. He is a Senior Mng in a Supply co and one of his regular salesperson that he deals with is female, I have met her on occasion, doo's etc, she is nice, very friendly and bubbly and also married with kids.

So a few times a year this female rep invites hubby to corporate things, football, the races etc and they both always go.

So last week he tells me he is invited by her company ( but didn't specifically mention her name ) to an all day function meal, drinks, posh corporate box at sports event, then another meal and coach home, from 10am to midnight ( it was quite a distance in a small coach ) I told him I dodnt want him to go as I didn't want to be left on my own all day and I had a feeling she would also be there, and I said I didn't like the fact that he would be all day with a female etc etc

He got really really angry and said I was being delusional, I didn't trust him, did I think he was out shagging ( his words ) and that he didn't even know if SHE was going as it was thing for men and all managers.

So off he went in a taxi to meet the minibus, ten mins later a text appears on his I pad which he had left at home, saying Hi Mr R are you in your taxi yet, Im already here at the coach and looking forward to seeing you …….then smiley face.

I was not happy to say the least, he clearly knew she was going and had lied to me to shut me up.

So then I did a spotlight search on the I pad and found some deleted texts, basically since January they have lunch twice and exchanged about 5 flirty messages, along the lines of 'Are you popping into the office at all soon, can't wait to see you, flirt flirt " ( from him ) and then she would reply "Oh u know how to make a girl happy on a Monday Mr R ' then he said I have grown a moustache for Movember you should pop over and give it a stroke and she replied "Oh I hope you only mean the moustache Mr R " etc etc. Oh and one saying are you going to come on saturday, and her saying I will come if you do.

So how do I handle this, he knows I am barely speaking to him but thinks its just cos he went to the function, he still doesn't know I saw the text that she was going, and obviously he doesn't know I have found the deleted e mails. Do I keep quiet and keep monitoring the phone or do I come clean and let him know I saw the text about the taxi and give him chance to come clean and see how much he reveals ????

Oh and when he came home at midnight he hadn't bothered to phone or text me the whole day and he knew I was home alone, he was a bit tidily when he got in and I asked him who had been at the function and he just told me about 4 mens names ( clearly still avoiding mentioning her name )

Help needed from sensible people, am I making a mountain out of molehill ?

This kind of thing is so difficult. On the one hand, in certain businesses, a lot of networking/selling happens in corporate boxes or other alcohol-fuelled events, the banter is 'robust' and you have to let a lot of it wash over you or it drives you round the twist. I have one of those jobs and any partner of mine cannot afford to be even slightly insecure. On the other you've said it makes you uncomfortable, asked him specifically not to go and he's lied to you about this person, which is untrustworthy behaviour and has to be scotched

I think you have to have cards on the table moment here. Specifically, you have to tell him what you know and be very clear exactly what you are willing and unwilling to put up with.

You are treading a fine line here. You really can't control what your partner does - it isn't right to tell him he cannot attend a function (especially a work one). Imagine if he said the same to you?

I imagine he lied about her being there because he was afraid you would get angry and that he would have to justify himself - but he still lied and that is wrong and something you should pull him up about.

I doubt this has gone beyond general flirting - it sounds typical of the stuff which goes on in offices across the country. it doesn't make it right, but if his business is dominated by men - I expect she gets it from a few blokes.

please just talk to him. Start with the fact you know she was there and ask why he lied to you. tell him his relationship with you makes you feel insecure and worried and ask him to help you to feel better about that.

he should be happy to do so. This would mean sharing the text messages with you, telling you when he sees her and being entirely open about everything to do with her.

But don't try to control him. that could seriously backfire.

sorry - "relationship with her..."

I was going to say yes you're massively overreacting but those texts are weird.

She will be flirting with all potential sales conquests. It is the nature of the business. I work in sales and a woman rep used to come and see me. She was so flirty it was unreal but I have to say I loved it and she got more business off the back of it. Generally sales people are very good communicators and listeners and have a knack of making people feel good and important. It's what you sometimes have to do to clinch a sale!

Having said that whilst on her part it may be no more than flirting, on his, it sounds as if he has been taken in to the extent that the chat has crossed the line.

There could be more to it so you are right to it though and you are therefore right to have concerns so I would lay it on the table without mentioning that you know about the rest and then keep an eye on it.

And as for very happily married, no affairs etc etc....sometimes these things go on in workplaces without them being found out.

Hi there

Sorry you have to think about this op. I agree with maleview. Your dp has deleted messages etc. It could be he would know u would not like these messages and you made it verg clear u didnt want him to go. He chose to go and not tell you she was there.

I have also worked in corporate sales. You do flirt with all clients however thAt is all it is. You make someone feel good, laugh and get the deAl. I would also like to say she was most likely obliged to go to these events however I assume he is not. Therefore he should have put you first And stayed at home as you asked. Its not like he doesnt have other chances and other functions.

Sorry for spelling op on mobile. Personally I would have it All out with him. If he cares Bout your marriage then he will put you first. Would he be hAppy if you had been doing/done the same?

I don't care what job he is in, I wouldn't stand for that shit

he is a disrespectful liar, not sure why he gets the moral high ground here when it comes to you finding out the extent of his pisstakng, even if you were snooping

it seems you had good reason to

Ladies ( and men ) thank you so much for being the voices of reason.

I decided to have it out with him and give him the opportunity to tell me everything, he said he was flattered by her attention and knew I would be furious at the fact she was going to be at the event etc etc.

He admitted he liked her as a friend and liked the attention the flirty e mails etc gave him, he agreed that he was stupid, shallow, and wrong to send e mails that needed to be deleted and that it was a step too far. He promised me that on no occasion did he go any further and had never intended too, I can only believe him,he genuinially didn't try and deny anything ( even before I told him I had read the e mails )

So thats it really, I will draw a line through it and move on, maybes he has lost my trust in some areas but in other areas its a warning sign that these stupid men like and crave the attention that us wifes sometimes forget to give them in out generally busy lives, its the old adage that the kids and dog come first !!

Thank you all once again, I don't post on here very often but often read all the posts.

He treats you like shit.

That's the main thing.

I think in a long term relationship with the drudgery of home life, work etc it is easy for either partner to get their head turned and enjoy flirty attention.
I would be upset too op, just because it's work and sales doesn't make it acceptable. Your dh knew this otherwise ge wouldn't have deleted the messages.
He appears to have come clean. I think dh can forget how hard it is being at home without the banter etc from work. Especially when their dh are working with glamourous flirty women who massage their egos to get a sale.

its a warning sign that these stupid men like and crave the attention that us wifes sometimes forget to give them in out generally busy lives

Sorry, that is absolute crap. Don't excuse his inappropriate behaviour by blaming yourself. Men are not dogs, they should be able to stay loyal and function properly without having their egos stroked constantly.

You need to deal with the fact that he thinks it's acceptable to fuck off out of the house and leave his children in your sole care for more than 12 hours without your agreement.

join the op's dh goes to work and sometimes his job involves business development, that us normal and acceptable and is the reason he is paid.
What is not acceptable is for op's dh to cross the line and encourage and enjoy the flirty behaviour. It is insensitive, selfish and shows a complete lack of respect for his dw who is at home caring for the dc whilst he behaves like this.
It appears he has had a wake up call and hopefully will now stop taking his lovely dw for granted.

Oh dear

It's your fault for not showing him enough attention? Don't fall for that shit. The 1950's are long gone

A bit of lippy and more blow jobs isn't going to prevent someone disrespecting you if they have a mind to

I would be livid, he's clearly having some kind of flirty relationship with her, who knows, maybe it's went further. I'd not be keeping quiet about anything - I'd make sure he knows I know and I wouldn't shut up about it until he was honest with me, he's lied and is continuing to lie.

Oh just read your latest - please do not think all men are like this or are like dogs - with that kind of perspective it's only a matter of time before he does cheat on you - you can't expect mutual fidelity if you think he only needs a woman to speak to him and he's off!