Please dont judge, need advice please :(

[darkshadows]

I cant take no more. I need to ask for advice. I'll try and keep this as short as I can, but it might turn long as I need to give details.

Met DH on a website chatroom many years ago, we spoke on the phone/internet for almost 2 years before finally meeting. It was fun, and I never really thought we could be more than friends...he wasnt really my type. However, I ended up pregnant and had our son a year after meeting DH. He still lived with his parents, I had my own flat. When DS was a few weeks old, DH wanted to move in with me. I didnt want him too. After alot of arguing about it he turned up with his dad on his door with all his stuff. And I guess that was that.

Gave birth to our second child 3 years later. She was 4 months old when he slapped me during an argument. A week later it had turned into punches and kicks. My sister found out and called the police. He was arrested and me and the kids went to live with my sister, a few months later me and the kids moved into a new house. Lost my job not long after.

I forgave DH. He moved back in...again, not something i wanted. Always felt it was forced on me. He hasnt laid a finger on me since. The emotional abuse, the name callings etc...thats taken over and I've learnt to live with it. My family have little to do with me now, I have no friends. The 'abandoned' me when I took DH back in.

A year after this, DH wanted to marry me. Something I never wanted. not with him or anyone. I just never wanted to get married. But I did. We got married even though no one from his family and hardly anyone from mine turned up (they hated me then and still do because they see it as my fault he was arrested). Everything about the wedding was crap. I wish it never happened and its the one thing i question myself ever single darn day about. Why on earth did I go through with it.

I randomly find out instances where he has lied to me...for no reason. The little lies arent a big deal, the big lies are. Especially the ones that made me make choices about him in the past which i now know were lies.

A couple of years later and our last baby arrived.

The only good thing I can say about him is he is a hard worker. In the whole time we have been together he has worked hard jobs to provide for us.

I love my kids dearly, they are my world. They really are the only good thing about this relationship. I have just had enough now. I feel he has had 14 years of my life. Wasted. I have no family. No friends. No one that can help me. If I leave with the kids, or I kick him out (which hes very unlikely to do anyway), I'll be all alone. What do I do? Life is so unbearable right now.

Contact Women's Aid, they can help you figure out where you go from here, without judging. You and your dc can be safe and free.

I used womens aid when he was on bail for hitting me, they were a great support. But that was about 8 years ago. Would they even be able to offer support now? He hasnt hit me since then.

Would your family really turn you away? Try calling and asking. It's got to be worth a try.

It is better to be alone and have peace of mind than live with an abuser who makes it his life's mission to wear you down.

I'm guessing he will refuse to leave the house. So you could contact Women's Aid and get a place with Refuge until the divorce settlement is worked out.

Or try to get your local authority to rent you a property. Or could you get cash together to rent privately?

Could you contact your friends and family and tell them you're ready to leave him and you want them back in your life? I think having their back up might help toughen you up for the fight up ahead.

You can do this but it's going to be tough. It may take time but do your homework without letting him know what you're doing. Take a look on the Women's Aid website, there's a great forum over there too.

There is help out there but the hardest part is removing this man from your mind and breaking free from his brain washing. Sounds like you're ready to make that break.

You don't say if the DV is still happening if so then there is help & support out there for you. & your children to get away from it. Via woman's aid & the police.

I suggest you go to citizens advice they can help you legally to make a fresh start ... It's not easy but it's preferable to a life of control & violence. Good luck

Yes, WA can still help you. Emotional abuse is still abuse.

Even though he hasn't hit you in 8 years, the fact that his previous violence was logged by police (was he convicted?) would be a red flat for WA - this man is perfectly capable to starting that violence up again.

This is especially so now that you are planning to break from him. You must keep yourself safe.

Abusers are at their most dangerous when you are trying to escape - don't underestimate him.

Womens Aid champion women in any kind of abusive relationship. There are more ways to trap, coerce and oppress someone than by hitting them... as you sound well aware. They'd love to hear from you. Please give them a call 0808 2000 247.

I hope you don't mind me saying this but from your own words it sounds like you have taken a very passive role in life and to me it sounds like you are finally ready to take control. I never ever say ltb because I am old school and think there are times when staying for the kids is actually for the best. However in your situation there really is only one option and you know it, once the abuse starts you must, must ltb. Women's aid sounds like the best first step and I hope you get all the luck in the world going where you want to go.

Decent people will help you if you want to be helped.

No one can rescue you if you don't want th be helped.

Please call WA and don't compromise on yourself or your children this time.

No one will judge you here, lean on us as much as you need to.

We're not going anywhere!

Can I just point out that staying for the sake of the kids when there is abuse, is not the right thing for anyone to do, ever.

Old school or not, with abuse, there is only one way, and that's to get them outta there.

BTW please get back in touch with your friends and family. I was forced to 'abandon' a friend once who was in a similar situation. Broke my heart but, putting it bluntly, she didn't want to be helped and I couldn't sit there and say nothing. I would have loved it if she'd picked up the phone and said 'I'm leaving him for good... please help' but it never happened. Your family may also be waiting for that call.

Thank you everyone for the replies. It really does mean alot.

ChelseaBun - yes the previous violence was logged and he was given 12 months probation and had to attend an anger management course that was arranged through the courts. He was also given a fine (not really sure what the fine was for to be honest). He was likely to have gotten a harder sentence if i hadnt withdrew my statement (thanks to his dad and brother constantly harassing me to).

Also in reply to the 'staying for the kids' thing.. I didnt stay for the kids. I stayed because I felt I had no other choice. I have broken free of him before and some how stupidly ended up back with him...not because of the kids. I cant even explain. I felt I was forced to but I dont even know why.

I just wish I could turn back the clocks :(

darkshadows you stayed because it was like he had a spell over you and even thought you said to yourself "I don't want to do this", you found yourself doing it anyway and thought you were going mad.

This is what abusers do - get in your head and brainwash you.

You can't turn back the clock but you can change the future. Do you have access to your own money?

Please don't think you're stupid. Abusive men such as you describe can exert a powerful hold over their victim and have them literally believing up is down and wrong is right. They have you questioning your judgement by alternating truly appalling behaviour with really nice behaviour. They smash your confidence by degrees and that adds to the 'no choice' feelings.

It's not quite the same but look at those women in the news this week held as slaves for 30 years. Never physically restrained, by all accounts, but psychologically bullied until they were too frightened to walk out of an open door.

You can't turn back the clock but you can choose a better future. Please make that call.

Can I just point out that staying for the sake of the kids when there is abuse, is not the right thing for anyone to do, ever.

Hissy I think you mis read what I wrote I could not agree with you more.

He sounds like a nightmare and you hav

Also in reply to the 'staying for the kids' thing.. I didnt stay for the kids. I stayed because I felt I had no other choice. I have broken free of him before and some how stupidly ended up back with him...not because of the kids. I cant even explain. I felt I was forced to but I dont even know why.

This is probably for the best because now you know leaving is best for the kids. You need to get support in place and you need to get a clear plan together and then you need to go. Can I ask what made you go back? Did he tell you things would change or were you worried on your own. If you can be clear about why you went back last time you might be able to ensure the same things do not happen again. You deserve better.

You know it may take loads of attempts for abused women to leave.
It's a complicated dynamic.

That is why this time you must raise huge barriers. Go no contact, particularly with his family. All via solicitors or your sister.
You must detach and see your life ahead without him.

Sometimes it is BECAUSE of the kids that we must leave. They will go on to repeat the life they've lived unless they see something else.

Get out and it gives them a chance, you a chance to break the mold.

When we are getting out on sheer willpower alone, that's hard. We have to believe in what will come after, even if we are not even sure what that is. We have to believe that it is better, we have to give up all hope of our present ever being anywhere near acceptable.

On average it takes 8 times for an abused woman to leave. So you are still well ahead of the average if you achieve it this time.

This time you have us. This time is different.

Let everyone that offers genuine support help you. There are teams and teams of people that are waiting to help you. let them do their job. Let them lead you to safety.

They can't do a thing until you make that first step. they have dealt with cases more serious than yours and a lot less serious than yours, it's all the same. Abuse is abuse. Abuse is unacceptable.

I'm out almost 3 years. By god it's better than you can ever dare to dream! I know literally hundreds of former abuse victims and not one of them has ever, nor will ever regret leaving their abuser. They only regret not leaving sooner.

You can do this. you really can.

Throughout your life you seem to have always taken a passive role.
I'm sure if you ask for help and be proactive about things your friends and family are more than willing to rally round you.

In the nicest way, no one will help you unless you are willing to help yourself and actually start making changes.

I just wish I could turn back the clocks

You can't though, OP, and you know that - but you can take control now. Think about how much of your time this fuckwit has taken from you already, keep thinking about how bitterly you regret that, and use that to push you through the process of leaving. Think about how you'll feel in five years if you stay with him. You have to go.