How important is trust??

[adozenroses]

Having a very hard time trusting dh at the moment...even to the extreme of wanting to kick him out. He downloaded porn onto my computer and denied it was him. Then I found him registered on a very adult dating site, and he has completely denied this - and he thinks I am out of order for not believing him.

He has lied to me and I can't get past it. He is not the greatest of husband's anyway and we have been having problems for a while.

It seems so silly to be this upset over what he has done, but I can't help it. He has lied, and is still lying about it now. I just feel like I know him at all. I have been trying to spice things up a bit in the bedroom as there is no passion between us anymore. But he won't open up to me about sex or fantasies, etc. I just don't feel like he is trying to work at our marriage. I have just become his maid.

Not sure any of this makes sense. I am just confused and very upset.

trust is very important imo
if you dont have it
it will lead to resentment

sorry you are feeling like this
only you can decide what is best for you in your life
good luck
xxx

Trust is the most important thing you can have imo. Love, friendship, passion, all the rest are totally secondary to that. Dh and I fall out from time to time and I have felt that I didn't love or even like him at times, but I have always trusted him. If the trust ever goes, then that will be that.

Sorry adozenroses, probably not what you want to hear right now. Only you know what is best for you and your relationship. I hope you manage to resolve things, whether you stay with him or not.

sorry you're going through this adr. i'm afraid i agree with cf. trust is most important to me. some days i'm peed off with him, but if i can't trust him the whole basis for my relationship is gone.

I'm intersted to know what people define as "trust" Sometimes i feel i do trust dh and sometimes i don't but then actually wonder what we define as "trust"?

I'm intersted to know what people define as "trust" Sometimes i feel i do trust dh and sometimes i don't but then actually wonder what we define as "trust"?

My definition would be, believing what he says to you, knowing he will be there for you, that kind of thing.

eg, if he is late home from work, I think "DH is late tonight, hope he is OK" rather than "OMG where is he what is he doing who is he shagging"

THE most important thing. Without that you can't have a relationship. Sorry if that sounds a bit extreme. Sometime the fact that DH and I trust each other and we have kids in common is the only thing that pulls us through. I know that no matter how sh*t other aspects of our lives may be I can always trust DH 100% not to hurt or betray me.

Trust is a key factor without it you may as well forget it, well in my case anyway & dp knows this

I trust my dh in that respectand many others but how can you trust someone 100% not to hurt you - eg if you have a row they may say something to hurt you, even if it was said in the heat of the moment and they apologise afterwards?Unless you're one of those lucky people who never have big rows!

Trust is irrelevant and meaningless. It is a completely pointless emotion with no rewards. Trust doesnt mean you will have more friends, a better job, your partner wont cheat on you, you'll have more self confidence etc. I assume the person I am living with is not going to shit on me because I made a good judgement in picking someone I thought was decent. If he does do the dirty then so be it but whether I had trusted him or not wouldnt have made the slightest difference to his actions. I assume the builder I have employed will turn up and do a good job because I hope my judgement and common sense would have given me enough confidence to perceive it would be ok. I dont 'trust' my children to behave. I hope I have instilled good manners in them to know what is expected. If my partner is on a business trip I dont 'trust' him to behave. I assume he will because of the person he is. Why do people hold so much sway with trust? How many people have you heard wail 'ohhh but I trusted him'. So what.

very good point trifle. I think too much is made of this "trust" thing too. Really all you can do is hope. As you say so many people say when things go wrong "but i trusted him , etc..."

I don't trust (due to father issues).

I don't distrust exactly. I don't automatically assume that he is sleeping with the woman off the internet etc, but I don't completely and categorically believe that he couldn't be iyswim.

I used to distrust, but over the years I have grown better.

If this sort of half trust were to be broken though - by finding out he'd lied to me about something I find to be important to a relationship etc, then I wouldn't be able to get over it. It has taken me 7 years to relax enough to the stage we are at now.

Did any of that make sense?

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship imo. Without trust there can be no relationship.

I have posted separately about this but if you trust your dh, how would you feel if lied to you about something as silly as taking one of your chocolates?

I think you got your answer on that thread. Let it lie.

I have tried so many times to tell him that the lie is more upsetting that whatever issue he lied about but clearly it doesn't make any difference. Maybe i should just accept that he lies sometimes?

Thanks for all your responses. I still feel very confused about this situation. I will have a look at that website sadandsickened.

I'm still very upset and angry with him, but we are going out to talk tonight and I'm going to tell him exactly how I feel.