I finally yelled at my parents, hand holding please!

[MovingOnUpduffed]

I will try to make this as short as I can, there's loads of background, as I am sure there always is with families.

Things have been strained for a while between me and my parents, and I have had a very difficult year- I left my abusive partner last Christmas, struggled with depression and got together with a new partner who has been a friend for a while, who I am now very happy with. They have been quite resistant to the changes, have questioned endlessly (which they see as concern and I see as not respecting my decisions) , and while claiming to be 'protecting me' have made it quite clear that they disagree with a lot of my choices. This has been enormously unhelpful.

My dad is emotionally abusive and quite controlling and was very difficult to live with growing up, from the time I was old enough to ignore his advice. My mum has a lot of health issues, depression and memory problems, so is quite emotionally unstable and will not stand up to my dad as she can't cope with the fallout of disagreeing with him. Which leaves me stuck in the middle, and quite often without their support if I do something my dad doesn't agree with.

My dad also has said some awful things over the last few months- when I was depressed and suicidal telling me that 'it's because you can only see the negative in things, just like your bloody mother', whenever I try to tell him that I am an adult and these are my decisions saying ' well that's what you said about ex h, and look where that got you', several times implying that my ex's abuse was partly my fault as 'it takes two' and criticising my new partner and his family.

Recently my partner and I have been considering a move to a new area a few hours away, which makes sense for my career and for other reasons. My parents have gone ballistic. For several weeks my mum was so upset she wouldn't speak to me and my dad was furious with me for upsetting my mum.

This all came to a head last night when we went over for dinner, when a throwaway comment led to me actually challenging them for once instead of just letting it go and being furious later. There was a lot of disagreeing and some shouting that I am not terribly proud of, my dad defended all of his horrible comments and made more, my mum refused to get involved as 'it's all too difficult' and my dad finally told me that he had no idea why I was even there, at which point I left.

Now I am so upset, blaming myself, running it all over and over again in my head. I have finally said what I actually think about their lack of support, and I should be proud of myself I suppose, but I just feel like shit. They haven't contacted me. I have no idea where to go from here, they love my dd and not seeing her would break their hearts.

Well done expressing yourself. Sounds like it was long overdue. If you feel like shit it's only because you still put these people on a pedestal and expect them to suddenly start behaving like normal, loving parents. I suggest you see them for what they are from now on and treat them accordingly. If they love your DD so much that it would break their hearts not to see her, it might be a motivation to shape up for a change.

In the meantime, don't cave. They're grown-ups. I'm sure you have plenty else to be getting on with.

Holding your hand and well done for what you did. We often think that we have to just sit back and let parents say whatever they want and we should accept it all. We don't. We are adults and should challenege anything that is said to us which hurts us. You have found happiness and it is your parents choice whether they accept it or not. We often feel like we have to seek their approval. Goodness knows, I have done it enough times, but I have now realised that it is my life and I do what makes me happy. There was many a time I would crave my parents' approval for everything. Not anymore. I am pretty guarded now and don't tell them everything.

Good luck with everything and don't cave in. I am sure they will come to their senses and realise that they have been overstepping the mark.

Thanks, that really helps. I guess it's just built in from years of this stuff that they are just trying to help and by not seeing it like that I am being difficult and ungrateful. But the stuff they have said really hurts. If anyone else said those things I'd probably never talk to them again.

I should think you're in a sort of shock at the moment. When you are used to just sucking up the nastiness, it is both freeing and terribly guilt-making to actually answer back and shout back. The emotional backlash alone is hard to handle.

But rest assured you DID do the right thing becuase it sounds like things have been out of balance for a very long time - always. You -are- entitled to your own adult decisions without endless criticism and without being shouted at if you challenge a comment.

Possibly, having stood up for yourself at last, you'll find that you are in a turmoil for some time and go through waves of anger, guilt, shame, wanting to be on good terms, the heady feeling of having stood up for yourself at last ... all sorts. (maybe, not necessarily! :) )

it will take time and quite a lot of thought but you have started here to shift the balance of power to something more healthy.

Its hard to know if they will reflect and then become more reasonable (it's really hard for controlling people to handle their subordinates standing up and breaking free) or if they will actually take the huff and not talk to you. If that happens, you will be in the position that many people end up in, where you have to truly become independent and adult and the controlling parent cannot handle it. Hopefully they won't do that.

Whatever else, don't crumble. Retain your dignity. Talk to your partner lots.

Good luck :)

Regarding your daughter, this is very hard indeed. Not sure if this is the right advice but I would say let the first move come from them. If your daughter means enough, they (or your father) will swallow enough of his pride and anger to either contact you, or more likely get your mother to contact you instead.

If not - well im sorry, but I do think the first move needs to come from them. It won't be easy to wait and maybe wait and wait, but -you- are entitled to be treated to the same courtesy and as an adult independent.

MovingOn you may find the 'Stately Homes' thread here on relationships a useful read if you haven't yet discovered it, it's been invaluable for me (and many others) who have 'difficult' relationships with their parents. If its any help at all I don't believe you are difficult & ungrateful but that it's your parents who are the difficult ones.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1834279-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families?pg=1&order=

Thanks Butterfly I am always scared to post on those sort of threads, I convince myself my parents aren't really that bad and I won't fit in. But I really should pluck up the courage, I'm sure you're all lovely!

I actually feel much better for having got things out in the open, all the tension has been simmering for a while and somehow I always end up the one who's upset. I've taken back some of the control, and it feels good.

Tonight I am going to drink wine and watch Dr who, which I didn't get to watch yesterday because of the huge row. I can forgive the rest of the carp but ruining Dr who... and just because I can...

Carp should say crap! Stupid phone! :-)

You did a good thing love. Well done.

We know how scared you are, but was a long time coming.

Your dd will actually be better off without them, as will you. Give yourselves some time to think, breathe etc.

Wow this is hard, despite trying to distract myself all I seem to be thinking about is this, playing back bits in my head, worrying about what I said or didn't say.
And my mum just texted me asking me to get in touch because she is worried. Again she is making me responsible for making it all ok. Aaaargh! I will probably email her, it's less emotional.

There's nothing to stop you texting back 'I'm fine' and leaving it there. You will replay the conversation because you're clearly not yet comfortable with the new, assertive you. But keep your distance, get on with your life & don't get drawn into long exchanges or feel the need to cave and apologise.

MovingOn I can identify with a lot of what you're feeling.

Don't let your mother make you responsible for making it all ok - they upset you, you're taking some space away from them. You can respond to let her know you're ok, but you don't have to do any more than that if you don't want to.

If she's that worried, she can call you.

I too have recently joined the 'Stately Homes' thread, and wavered over it for a long time thinking my family aren't that bad. But I realised that I need the support that MN can offer, and I felt uncomfortable having my own threads so prominent, so it's a quieter, more discreet way of having a rant every now and then...

'What are you worried about exactly, mother?'

More hand holding here.

You did good!

And the move sounds like a truly brilliant idea.

Sorry to resurrect this thread, things are still difficult and my resolve is weakening.

I exchanged a few emails with my mum spelling out why I am upset, and she apologised and seemed to understand, and we met for coffee and had an honest discussion which helped and I felt she was finally 'getting it'.

But my dad is still angry with me, sees no reason why he should apologise as it was all my fault, and is still defending his comments. He just expects for things to go back to normal, nothing gets resolved or ever talked about again because it's 'in the past' and I am left hurt and confused and responsible for pretending to be fine to keep the peace. My mum agreed it wasn't fair for me to be in this position, apologised etc, but lo and behold she has booked a birthday lunch for me, her and my dad, and is going back to her usual script of 'he loves you really, he does lots of lovely things, you did upset him'.

I don't want to go to the stupid lunch, I am really hurt that she has yet again taken his side over mine and that I am stuck as the bad guy yet again. I am starting to doubt myself. But I really don't think that just because he does lots of nice things gives him licence to say whatever he likes with no consequences.

He treats my mum exactly like my emotionally abusive twat of an ex used to treat me, and she is so far in denial about it she just gets angry with me for being unwilling to be around it any more.

Please reassure me that even if my mum's birthday is ruined by me not pretending everything is fine, that it doesn't make me an awful person? Does anyone have any suggestions of what to say to them?

Actually, I really wouldn't go to the lunch. It is a ploy, using a birthday to up the stakes, to get you to back down again and repress your feelings again. And yes, there will be tears and upset, but I still say don't.

If you want to treat your mother for her birthday, you could do so without your father there, and given the situation with him it seems wiser not to meet him. And don't feel you need to discuss the situation with your mother any more if you don't want to.

There is no good reason why you have to continue being the person who is silenced and whose feelings are ignored. Your parents are not more important than you.

It doesn't make you an awful person at all. Don't go to the meal, just politely explain why you can't and do not go. You won't ruin anything and maybe the message really will start to get through. What would you tell your DD to do if she was in a similar situation? Probably tell her not to go! You are doing really well in what must be very difficult circumstances.

Don't go. Say you have plans and that you will take her for lunch anotehr time.

Well done, that was tough but a shame it turned into a meltdown. At some point we have to 'sack' unhelpful parents and take responsibility for our lives without them. I had to do a similar thing when my parents did not accept my second child because I had not married his father - even though he was a University academic and the relationship was stable. They called him 'an illigit'. I kept very calm, confronted them and said if they did not accept him we would not visit them again. They did come round, I felt awful, my Mum cried (she never cried) and things were a lot better afterwards. Be loyal to yourself.

Bless you, that sounds very difficult.

Well I think if you go to the meal you will end up apologising, as your father certainly won't.

So I guess your options are to go to the meal and stick to your guns, make small talk and ignore the elephant. Go to the lunch and apologise - life is just too short. Go to the lunch and broach the subject head on, explain you stand by your comments but will continue to be a good daughter and they can see their grandchild etc etc. Don't go to the lunch, say to your mum that you will meet her for coffee regularly but are still too furious with your father to see him - perhaps time will heal your anger.

I certainly wouldn't be changing my moving plans for them though. If you want to move then move, it's not as though you will miss the loving embrace from your father!!

One thing I will say though is if you decide to concentrate on your primary family, it would then not be fair to look for your parents for support should you break up with your DP. To my mind you are going to have to stick to your choices if you burn bridges with your family. You will never get your fathers respect if you move away, say to hell with you all, then come back a year later needing help if it all goes wrong.

I'm so sorry, it must be so hard for you. I'd not go to the lunch, explaining to your Mum again why it wouldn't be the right thing for you to do. Take her out on her own before or after the big day so she knows you still love her and want to mark her birthday but that that doesn't mean you have to tolerate being abused by your father. Be strong.

Hi, moving on,
I would not like to guess what all of this is taking out of you. i remember a quote from East Enders many many years ago from the wife of Martin, the Fowler who died of Aids. She memorably said her father
Loved her till she had her first opinion. I am so sorry that in spite of attempts at sorting things out, not much aactally changed. Must be terribly depressing for you. Keep the faith and stay strong. Keep repeatimg your message and insist on your rights. You will getthrough evemtually or if you give up, it will not be for lack of trying. Best of luck and a big hug.