We're splitting up Practical advice needed from those who've been there

[Avondale]

So DH and I are splitting up after 15 years and 3 DC.
I'm SAHM with no money of my own. I will be moving back to my home city with DC and want to rent somewhere there and get kids settled in a new school. I want to do this ASAP so can be in place to apply for youngest DC's reception place.
We jointly own a house which we will sell and split profits but it's not on the market yet.
My parents have offered financial support but where do I go from here in terms of starting process? Do I look at houses or schools first? Will I be entitled to any benefits until I can find work?
So confused at the moment and need to start thinking clearly and practically to get some plans in place.
We've not told DC yet as I want to have some definite answers for the questions they will have.
Please help!

Sorry, can't help but marking place as I'm in the same position.

At least you have decided on a location. You will probably need an address before you can apply for schools. First and foremost, protect yourself and discover your rights, responsibilities and options by getting legal advice. Decent law firms will offer you a free 30 minute consultation. Good luck!

I think you need to get legal and other advice specific to your circumstances. CAB is very helpful for example and if you haven't already spoken to a solicitor yet, now would be a good time. Good luck

God, I hadn't even thought about speaking to a solicitor! Right, will make an appointment tomorrow. I guess they will be able to point in right direction for other things.
Another decision we need to make is whether to tell the DC before Christmas? They are 7, 4 and 3.

Definitely speak to a solicitor. If you are having the DCs and gave up work to enable DH to work you will be more than likely entitled to a lot more than 50% split of assets.

Tell the DCs when there are specific things that will affect them directly. Eg. if Dad's moving out permanently or if you're moving house/school etc. Because of the way children deal with time-scales your 7yo will need more information and earlier than the younger two.

Thanks for replies so far.
I had no idea I would be entitled to more than 50%. I feel a. It uncomfy with that but starting to think I'm being incredibly naive. I was going to borrow money off my parents to rent a place in my home city and leave him here in the house until it sells. Is this a stupid idea?

Please take professional advice on what would be a fair settlement before acting. 'Fair' is more important here than 'entitled'. Is your home city a long way from where you live now? Will it prevent him being able to co-parent the DCs?

Only 30 mins. He's a good dad and wants to see as much As he can of DC.

Speaking from experience, i split just over 2 years from me ex, was his idea (later found out about OW), before he moved out and immediately after he promised to pay for all sorts, and was going to carry on being a good Dad. Now we're in the family court in January, his idea again, he doesn't see why he has to pay maintenance now he has a 'new' family, but up to now has carried on paying the mortgage and a loan.

I'd say get as much as you can agreed in writing legally before you split, i'm also entitled to over fifty per cent, and ex seems to think i can take over sixty per cent of a loan now, and if i agree that then he'll generously give me 10 per cent of his massive pension.

If its agreed in writing, then it will be harder for your ex to change things in the future. Sending hugs, its a horrible situation to be in

Bookmarking as well.

Sorry you are in the same boat :(

We only decided 2 weeks ago, so early days and like you I was clueless. Luckily/unluckily there are lots of experienced people on here.

CAB website is a good starting point.

I would say get stuff in writing from your H, as words can be hollow.

I need to do the same.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

I've read on here the same thing.
Get it all in writing a d sooner rather than later when they become less generous.

If staying in home maybe get it in writing for how long etc, will he pay the mortgage on this? Just check with those in the know to see you are not abandoning the home.

Are you married?

Yes, we're married. I like to think he will support me but one of the whole reasons behind the split is the lack of support ...
I take it I should go to see solicitor alone, not together?
Sorry to those is same position

Hi, I'm also in the same position as you and am leaving next week. The CAB were very helpful with telling me what I might be entitled to.

If you are going to claim housing benefit they won't process your claim until you are in your new house, although you can fill in the form online before moving.

I am not staying in the family home as it is too big and I couldn't manage it on my own.

Jesus, it's awful isn't it?
Amazed (and saddened) how many are in same position.
Does anyone have any recommendations of books or websites that give good advice as feel like I'm groping around in the dark here? (And not in a good way!)
Thanks everyone

I made an absolute balls-up of my divorces, and that was without children to provide for! It's amazing - by your late teens, you have some idea of how to arrange a wedding, and the basics of running a marriage, but NO clue about divorce. It's like a great howling void of silence (if silence can howl, which seems unlikely on second thoughts.)

So. Here is the CAB page, and HERE is the brilliant advice from Olgaga, a Mumsnetter, which will save your skin :)

I'm sorry you're going through this - and also sorry to advise you to prepare for the worst behaviour on his part. The vast majority of divorces are successful in terms of maintaining family relationships & reasonable division of assets, but a lot of those successful divorces are thanks to wary spouses dotting all the 'i's and crossing the 't's. Respect is key, and it's wise to make it clear you must be respected.

Thanks garlic trivia. Just had a brief look at that and it's exactly what I need.
Feeling a bit sick at the hugeness of it all.

It's likely you won't be able to claim benefits if you have money from the house sale. Bear that in mind when you're thinking about what's fair. If you've been the one to take time out to raise the kids this will affect your career now and IMHO it's "fair" to price that in to a settlement.

Avondale, I feel the same when I read all the info available. I am going to try and get an appointment with the CAB so I can talk to someone asap. I keep hearing conflicting info.

At the moment, nothing has changed and I just want to get on with it, although we have agreed not to change much until after Christmas for the sake of our dd's :(