Feel like I'm checking out and don't know what to do :(

[Passworderror]

I love my DH and we get on very well. We have the same sense of humour and laugh and joke together. My problem is that it feels like I live with a friend or room mate and not a DH. It's great that we get on so well but there's not much else.

I've had some health concerns recently and DH isn't perfect (who is?) we've had a tough year with family bereavements and our ups and downs like most relationships but I don't know why I'm doing this.
We've not had sex in a while and there's no intimacy between us. I just don't feel like I want :( it's not like it's not good, we've never been sex maniacs but throughout our relationship it's been regular and always good and satisfying. DH doesn't pressure me or make me feel like there's a problem but we don't even cuddle in bed anymore. Usually DH would pull me into him and hug me and things would just take off.

I have a problem with initiating sex and fear rejection and got huge body hang ups. DH knows my back history and always compliments me, he says I'm sexy and although I'm a lot bigger than when we met he's never treated me any differently.

I'd been in a horrid relationship prior to getting with DH, my ex was a controling lying cheat who physically, mentally and emotionally abused me. It took a long while to get over and let someone in again. It's our 20th wedding anniversary next year and I'm not sure if we'll make it unless I sort my head out :(

Have you talked at all about this with him?

You can initiate cuddling, as it doesn't necessarily have to lead to sex. Perhaps he's afraid of rejection too. Who knows?

What happened with the health scares and how did he react to it? And the bereavements? And how did you react?

It seems that sex and other intimacy stopped at about that time, so you may need to understand the dynamics there.

Also you seem to blame yourself, but if it was always your DH who initiated sex, it seems that he's stopped doing it.
Or you started refusing him at some point?

If you have made it to nearly 20 years and you get on well and laugh and joke together, it's likely that this intimacy drought will not be permanent, it's likely to be a reaction to stress and bereavement. Sometimes as a couple you get into a rut a pattern of behaving, and the one doesn't want to make a move as the other seems 'cold' and so on. But if your husband has been supportive and made you feel wanted for most of your marriage, talk honestly with him have a cry, perhaps even give him a hug and take it from there. This is fixable and probably one of those periods in marriage which we all have but something needs to start the spiral upwards rather than downwards if that makes sense. It will come back, slowly, don't worry.

Thank you for your replies

I've been giving this a lot of thought and thinking back over the years of us being together. After the initial fear of being hurt again and learning to trust DH I recall I was very touchy feely, freely gave cuddles and gave very large unmissable signals that sex was a go! I've never rejected DH and always been open with him when it's been 'the wrong time if the month' so he's aware there's going to be a sex drought for a few days.

Going through the bereavements was a lot tougher on me than on DH, he was very supportive and understanding and I guess that's when sex really tailed off. I didn't cope very well and still struggle some days to come to terms with the losses. We have spoken about it and DH just said he didn't want me to persue sex since he didn't know how I was feeling some days. I'm awaiting blood test result re health issues so not really sure what's going on there yet. I think DH is self satisfying himself as it's been as while now.

I feel like I've hit a wall and can't break through, I do sometimes cuddle DH in bed but it never leads to anything more. It's strange though, we seem to now get in bed facing away from each other, he will occasionally reach back and give my thigh a quick stroke and say goodnight but nothing more than that. DH isn't romantic or very attentive but he is a good man and cares deeply for us.

*(sorry) - he didn't want to persue sex

You say I just don't feel like I want... and

We have spoken about it and DH just said he didn't want me to persue sex since he didn't know how I was feeling some days.

So do you want to have sex or not; does he know?

As far as "satisfying himself", yes he may well be. Again, possibly related to not being sure what you want.

Good luck.

Thank you onemorechap - I know, I sound like a confused idiot! I just don't know :-/ I love sex and have always enjoyed it. I always had a higher sex drive than DH but was happy to take his lead but now it feels like we're almost strangers :(

I know DH would probably be fully compliant if I where to get in bed tonight and begin stroking him or pushed myself to initiate sex but I'm unsure if that would solve the whole issue or if there's more going on in my head than I realise. I hate feeling this way. I've always enjoyed pleasing DH so maybe this is all just in my head and I need to sort my shit out arrrgghh!