Disney Dad & Christmas - Can't Bite My Tongue Anymore

[wurzelmini]

Sorry, all I seem to do is moan about 'D' P on here but I don't really have anyone else to talk to. He does do nice things as well but I obviously don't post about them

Discussing Christmas today and I asked what his children wanted. They have a budget of £200 each from him (5 of them), my 2 have £60 each but that's not an issue as it's what we are both happy with.

But today he said DS2 wants an Iphone, he is 11. I said he would struggle to get an Iphone for £200 unless it was quite old. He mentioned contracts so I looked on line - it is 'only' an Iphone 4 he wants apparently but all I could find were 24 month contracts that equated to £500+ over the 2 years!! I told 'D'P and he said that's expensive, looks like i'll have to sell my phone to pay for it!!!! WTAF - I said so you are going to pay the £500+ for an 11 year old for Christmas???? He got shitty so I am seething in the other room (and moaning on here).

He is not well off, but even if money was no object I just baulk against spending stupid amounts on kids for Christmas - we are sooooo far apart in our attitudes towards money and parenting it's untrue.

But then again - it's none of my business is it?? Why should I mind what he spends? I do wonder though, how can we be a 'proper' couple when we are financially separate and not working towards the same goals?

Don't even get me started on what DS1 wants!!

So a few choices.

You can probably get an iPhone 4 on eBay and then a pay as you go sim with might come in on budget.

Having said that, a phone that pricy is silly for an 11 year old. When they get to high school (sadly) it seems to be the thing to have, but at primary I wouldn't advocate it.

If he wants to help his kids he would be better giving them £60 like you and paying the rest into a savings account for the future.

I think the real issue isn't the outrageous amount he is willing to spend on his kids, and it is ridiculous! It is the fact that you both have such opposing ideas of what is reasonable. You both really need to be singing from the same hymn sheet here or at least reach a happy middle ground if you want your respective families to come together as one in the future. I can only speak from the point of view of 'the child'. My parents are divorced and both remarried. My df and sm treat all 6 of their children equally, all have the same amount spent on them at Christmas, birthdays etc. When we left home our bedrooms were immediately turned into guest rooms. On the other hand at dm's, I slept in the dining room on a sofa bed while ss (who owned her own house) had a room (shrine) upstairs. My db's and I watched while her and sb opened present after present on Christmas day long after we'd finished opening ours. It made us feel unequal and hardly made for a harmonious household. Funnily enough 10 years on dm and sf are no longer together, having argued about the children their entire relationship.

Thanks for the replies - just tried to talk to him but hitting a brick wall unfortunately, back on the couch! He's just so over the top with the boys especially, they were here today and I just felt like telling him to back off, he babies them and they look uncomfortable with it, they are starting to grow into young adults and need to be treated as such. I've told him to leave them be and that the 'hand holding' is more for his reassurance than theirs (what 12 yr old wants to hold hands with Dad walking down the street???) but it's just pissed him off, he's gone on the defensive. Feeling pretty crap right now :(

Do you live together, share finances etc?

I'm half moved in, still got a lease on a rental which ends in 2 months but spend all of my time here so have given up my lease to supposedly save money! ha! Our finances aren't shared, I have more savings than him right now but he has more opportunity to earn than me, but, he is not as sensible as me with money - I want to save mine for a deposit on a house eventually

To be honest I don't think at this point it's any of your business but I think you'd certainly need to discuss it before you commit financially any further.

You need to sort this out before you move in properly. I'd suggest putting off moving in until he takes your concerns seriously because once you're in, his finances also become your business and you should have a say if his overspending impacts on you.

I think it's your business in as much as you are planning a future with someone whose thinking differs very much from yours at a pretty fundamental and critical level.

Blended families and step children can be a minefield at the best of times. I would say if you don't see eye to eye on this type of thing then it is a bit of a shaky start, tbh.

It's a little different sparkly because his place is a development property and i've been helping to do it up and we're supposed to be looking at the next development to do up together (joint finances with me taking out the mortgage) but his attitude is making me seriously consider whether I would want to invest with him at all!

Do not let him have access to your savings. Check out the step parenting board for some more advice re the issues that can arisewith step families.

Not having read your other complaints, it would be a red flag for me that he's blanking you off on this matter and be willing to spend this much if he's not well off.

My daughter is 11 and has an iPhone 4S on contract. I got it for her just before she started secondary school. I have an iPhone 5 so I can use apps to check on her and know where she is. I don't see a phone as a present though, she needed it like she needed a calculator and the phone was free and monthly cost is only £20. My daughter doesn't get pocket money though and she has jobs to do around the house to pay for it.

What will he do when his other DC want one too?

treating DC differently like that is bound to lead to problems if it continues.

Moving in sounds like bad plan IMO.

Also v strange that he is happy for you to do the work of xmas, organising gifts, but doesn't want you to question expenditure.