Best way to support friend in early stages of a breakup?

[LadyMacmuff]

Am doing best to be a good friend and offer support, but slightly at a loss as to the best way to handle it. My default attitude to problems is to try and solve them (I'm not a man!) and I am not utterly the best at pure 'sympathy' as in the 'there, there' kind. I do 'there, there' and then embark on ideas about what she can 'do'. I'm not sure that's what she needs as I also think she will only take action when she's ready to, so maybe I should stop giving my opinion unless the request is more direct?!

So far I have listened, offered my opinion on certain things I've been told, to try and help her make sense of them, proffered possible reasons for the DH's behaviour etc. and sent her a list of organisations / internet pages that she might want to read to help her make sense of the situation or where she can access professional advice.

I just don't want to be too bossy. What now? Back off a bit? Do something nice for her like lunch / send a present just to show support without banging on about what I think she should be doing??

If you've been through / going through a relationship breakup what were the best things your friends did for you? (We don't live geographically close enough for regular coffee / tea/wine sessions!)

Bump, as I am in the same situation

Talk about other things... Life goes on, so demonstrate it by talking about what you are up to, and allow her to talk about herSelf too. Advice and a todo list are great in very small quantities.

Sounds like you are being a friend, that is supporting her which is what she will need .

I have the most amazing friend , that probably didn't ' do ' much but I knew was always 'there' & would of done whatever had I of asked when my husband announced his long term affair.

She listened a lot , asked ME what I wanted to happen and didn't focus on him or the OW at all really.
Then she became my oracle - when I wobbled she reminded me of what I wanted, my bottom lines etc.
She also opened my eyes to what people around me thought of me and how important and special I was that I deserved better and would always have people around me that cared.
My husband and I have stayed together but she made me into the stronger person I am now - the one who would not of been scared to of become a lone parent because I now value myself enough to know I would of been good enough without him.

Other friends were amazing too ( I have no family ).

Building up her self worth whilst she has been knocked down will help her to face her future.

I was shocked at how my views on myself and those around me differed. Learning and accepting my own self worth has been the making of me.
Now I don't undervalue those , life is better.
My friend ( and others ) gave me those when I needed them.

Good luck , but being a reliable friend to her , who has got her back at all times will be invaluable to her .

Thank you charcoal and pausing really good advice. pausing your friend does sound amazing! My friend does have very low self esteem right now, so I will try and continue to listen, back off on the opinions and lists and try and make her see how special she is!

She definitely deserves better - not helped by a few around her who are saying it is all her fault - which it isn't!! In the end she does need to be strong enough and have enough self belief to sort this out - whatever the outcome, but she is floundering right now so trying to make her see she is worth so much more than she thinks will maybe help her to take some steps towards determining what it is she does really want. Will also take advice and try and be normal & talk about other things too. Thank you.

I too need help.

I think I said the wrong things today I wanted to give her a hug, but I knew she didn't want to be seen crying. Not where we were.

Bastard.

I would back off now.
It's all sinking in, she needs time.
New Years will be tricky, can you do something with her?

The best thing my friends did for me when I was heartbroken was to keep me busy. I got invited to all sorts of things, and I resolved not to say no to anything - I found myself joining in on all sorts of random days out with friends, which was wonderful, distracting and fulfilling.

OP you say you're not geographically close to your friend, so 'doing stuff together' might not be practical - but could you involve her in other things e.g. ask her help or advice on other issues, talk to her about real life goings on - distract her, keep her busy. Because when you're in the depths of despair - even 20 mins spent thinking about something other than your own heartache can be a blessed relief.

And of course listen, let her talk it all out, but don't let her wallow.

I have amazing friends who have helped me no end. Two in particular. They didn't know how to help me or even if they were helping me but they are.

Things that have helped me:

In the first few weeks I didn't want to go out, was a total wreck, my friends took it in turns to come sit with me, brought fish and chips and didn't force me to eat, just quietly took it away when I'd stopped eating.

Text me most nights to say goodnight - big help

Took me to the cinema, allowed me to be out but in a dark place where it didn't matter if I looked like sh*t

Text me (I didn't want to talk on phone) and asked me how I was doing and let me go on about how sad I was

Brought wine round

Let me cry all I needed

Sometimes just hugged me

Sometimes quietly handed me a tissue - this meant a lot because they knew I was in pain but didn't ask me why all the time

I am so thankful for my friends, they all took it in turns to look after me and still are. I didn't realise that they were all in contact with each other checking up on me.

Never questioned how I looked

Never told me it would get easier

Never questioned my weight loss

Always made it clear they would be there for me

Never put my H down, I didn't need to hear that, no matter how much they knew he had hurt me and could see what it was doing to me.

One let me get in the shower and then just dried my hair for me, brushing it for ages, we didn't speak but we knew it helped a lot

I love my friends, my family live quite a distance away and are very supportive but it's my friends who are here and who are helping me get through this terrible time.

Just be there for her, you are a good friend to come on here to ask for advice on how to help her.

Oh and they never talked about OW, if I wanted to rant, they listened but never gave their opinion on her as they knew it wasn't the best thing to focus on for my healing.

I had amazing support from a lot of friends, they were all wonderful.

None offered an opinion or told me what to do. That helped. If I wanted their view I asked for it, but I didn't have to process unwanted advice.

My PT instructor got me boxing to let off steam. I will forever thank him for that - it was fun, and a good way to channel things.

One friend texted me late at night, just with funny comments about nothing to make me laugh. She knew I'd be awake and miserable.

Another took me out for a pub meal regularly, and made me laugh. It is important to just have fun doing ordinary things, to escape.

All made it clear to me they were just a phonecall away at any time. I never called them, but knowing I could was lovely.

Reading that back, laughing come up twice! Says it all really. When you spend every minute that you are on your own crying you need to laugh.

Change if you want to give your friend a hug, do, it does help. I am the lest touchy feely person in the world. I hate people touching me, and the compulsory mwah mwah greeting that people do these days makes me flinch. My friend just reached out and hugged me one day, and I was so grateful. She's never hugged me before or since, but that day it helped.