Cutting Off from Elderly Mother. (Rather long)

[FrauMoose]

I wondered if other people on Mumsnet had tried seeing very little of an elderly parent.

Fortunately my mother is in reasonable health, good accommodation, has a social life and is in touch with both my siblings.

On the surface she might appear to be a pleasant woman. However both she and my (no longer alive) father hit me a lot when I was younger. In my teens as when as I was smaller.

I changed my first name when I was in my early twenties. But she refuses to use the name I changed to, and will always use the original one.

Thinking it over, I just think she is very odd. I think my father had Aspergers and some kind of personality disorder. He was very cold and arbitrary and didn't talk to his children or express any affection. He was particularly horrible to me because he thought it was 'natural' for girls to adore their fathers, and didn't like it when I grew up and started thinking for myself and asking more questions. (He also behaved very strangely/obsessively towards my own daughter when she was little.)

I used to feel my mother was under this thumb and I suppose I felt sorry for her. She was less obviously horrid than he was. I assumed that after he died, she would basically say sorry for having put him first, and for it having to be his - arbritray, unreasonalbe rules all the time.

This never happened.

Now I'm more inclined to think she is pretty much as weird as he was. She doesn't do - and never did do- praise or affection, hardly ever expresses any interest in what I'm doing. She is very OCD-ish so any visits are very taken up with her jumping up to tidy stuff, fretting about crumbs, mess etc.

I think it's a bit easier for my siblings. They're both male and my mother has always put men first. I don't think they got hit other than when they were quite small. They don't have children, so - unlike me - they don't have the experience of what ordinary parenting is like. That you give your children love and support and show an interest in what they are growing up to be.

More and more I am just withdrawing from my Mum. Because I find it increasingly hard to put up a front and make small talk with her. But she has no interest in listening to anything that doesn't fit in with her highly sanitised selective version of the past.

Hi I'm doing this at the moment like you I'm sure my father has aspergers and my
Mother continues to be self absorbed and impossible I have said she isn coming for Xmas as I just can't deal her .i wish you all the best

More and more I am just withdrawing from my Mum. Because I find it increasingly hard to put up a front and make small talk with her. But she has no interest in listening to anything that doesn't fit in with her highly sanitised selective version of the past.

Rather than do this is it worth trying to talk to her or even write it all down and send it to her like you've written here?

I'm lucky to have a very supportive mum though we do drive each other mad at times too.

I wonder if you can give your mum another chance to be the kind of mum you'd like her to be? I suspect she toes the line with your brothers maybe worried they won't stand for her behaviour as you do.

One last shot at a meaningful conversation and relationship before it's too late?

I don't think letters work in my family. Letters used to fly round. My father would write cold, angry, pompous, blaming letters. My mother would then write more letters explaining that everything was - or could be - perfectly alright, if I was better behaved/more understanding/less difficult.

The dynamic with my brothers is rather interesting. My younger brother has the rather cut-off quality that my father had, and my mother is very very fond of him indeed. My older brother is a bit like my Mum in that his way of dealing with difficulties is to rewrite the script,so that the difficulties don't exist.

Roles get assigned in families and anything unwelcome I might say proves even more conclusively that I am the difficult one.

If I'd had a sister, there might have been more common ground. If either of my brothers had become parents, I think that could have triggered some conversations about the way we were parented. In particular my father's weird obsessiveness about small female children is something they would not have been able to help noticing, if they had had daughters.

I don't think that in her late eighties she will change. I'll continue to make the odd duty visit, and I'd also expect to play a part in ensuring that she is properly cared when her health declines.

These threads interest me; the apportioning of blame with disability. You diagnose your father with an aspergers like illness - would you cut a child off with the same condition?

However, your parents are in their late 80's, is there really any need to cut them off? Duty visits excepted of course, you wouldnt want to risk being cut out

My father is dead, as I stated upthread. I did not cut him off during his lifetime. I was in fact the only person at the hospice on the last night of his life, and the only person with him on the following afternoon when he died. I have only realised that he probably had Aspergers syndrome in the last year or so.

While this possibly does - belatedly - shed light on some of his habits, needs and difficulties, I am not sure that I would buy the suggestion that we should not blame somebody for violently beating up their 17 year old daughter, because they were neurologically atypical.

Even somebody who was having a meltdown, should be capable of realising - if not at the time, then immediately afterwards - that that kind of behaviour is wholly wrong.

Sounds like they like letters if they used to do that.

It's far too late to cut your off or out- how many years has she got left- realistically?

Just stop seeing all the bad and lighten up a bit if you can.

Have you thought about counselling? You sound quite embittered as if you are making your mum pay for what your dad did. Talking to someone outside the family might help.

But at the same time your mum is old- people change as they age- my parents have. Certain parts of the character become more noticeable. You sound as if you are basing your behaviour and the cutting off on the past as much as the present.

"She doesn't do - and never did do- praise or affection, hardly ever expresses any interest in what I'm doing. She is very OCD-ish so any visits are very taken up with her jumping up to tidy stuff, fretting about crumbs, mess etc."

What you say is extremely sad, and the OCD thing must be very draining for you - ie. she's more interested in tidiness than you.

If it was me, I would try to completely detach emotionally from her, but because of her age, keep contact with her to the bearest minimum possible without causing any upset. Good luck.

Does old age wipe the slate clean then for many of you?

I don't have a huge amount to wipe off the slate though I do bear some grudges for some things my mum did- such as snooping on private letters and discussing with her friends, and trying to control me because of what she read ( I was a teen). I have never spoken to her about this and only found out through other friends .

But I can't see any point in making her pay for it now because the good she has done outweighs this.

So I have learned to live with my slight disappointments in her. I also know that I've made some bad mistakes with my own DCs so this just reaffirms my notion that mothers don't always get it right.

If I felt my mum has not loved me or shown me love then yes I'd be bitter and disappointed but with only perhaps 5 years of life left at most for a women in her late 80s, I'd try to accept it.

I think you would do well to learn about dysfunctional families ann before you tell people to "lighten up a bit".

so what do you suggest Good?

Much of what you have written massively resonates for me. My parents are both alive still, but I consciously avoid contact. I'm going to struggle to articulate this without being me, me, me! I have spent the last two months looking after my in inlaws and have had a year from hell in general dealing with DH's family and redundancy, moving house etc. Yet my mother expects me to drop everything when my father has a minor cold.

I have spent all my adult life being made to feel like I failed for not getting straight As at school, doing the wrong degree at the wrong uni, marrying beneath myself, let alone my previous boyfriends etc.

I am still working my way through dropping contact. It's been over 2 months since I spoke to my parents. I refuse to go to their house any more, as they are better behaved off their own territory.

Old age excuses nothing for me. The bad times were before they were old.

I've just contributed to another thread about this - difficult, aged parents. I have two.

this is my mum: My older brother is a bit like my Mum in that his way of dealing with difficulties is to rewrite the script,so that the difficulties don't exist.

aka denial. Impossible to get around. She point blank refuses to entertain any other version than her sanitised, lala version. She also fusses around in a OCD way (which may be her age but she's always been OCD), develops a nervous cough that drowns out my voice if I talk for more than a few minutes. She asks me leading questions and it is clear the answer I'm supposed to give - no point diverging.

Ive had a lot of therapy around it all (ongoing) ie the current state of play as well as the past; but there is no point expecting anything other than she is able to give (she is mid 80s, very frail - though she has been the denial queen her entire life). It hurts but there it is.

I see her now and again. It is a duty call but underneath it I do love her, it's just not possible to connect with her in a meaningful way. I've found my peace with that. Which isn't to say it isn't painful - it is. But I accept it.

My dad (not dissimilar to your dad): I am civil but that's about it. If he fell over I'd help him up but I don't kiss him when I see him. No point pretending.