Has anyone had a mother who was completely wrapped up in a hobby or voluntary work to the point where it took over

[autumnsmum]

Hi my first post here I have a very difficult relationship with my mum.i feel very angry with her although I have never told her as she spent my whole childhood obsessively involved in local politics ,from the age of twelve I was looking after my brother alone in the evenings while she went to meetings .this self obssessedness continues when I was going to be induced with my son she said I had chosen a terrible time as she was off on a town twinning trip. Ds didn't need to be induced in the end so she arrived at the hospital and talked at length about being mayor and said twinning trip .sorry for long post would just like some advice on how to deal with her

It's always hard when a pattern has been established for a very long time. Presumably when you were a child, you thought her behaviour was a bit odd but not totally abnormal? Parents can neglect their children in so many ways- if it wasn't local politics then it might have been work, or friends, or climbing Everest! Was there anything going on - or not going on- in her life that made her seek this kind of 'glory' outside the home? Was she frustrated at not having a career perhaps? Was she belittled by your father, or lacking confidence? Just guessing....

I suppose what I'm saying is can you understand at all why she put all her energies into that rather than her children? It might give you some insight...

now though I'd be tempted to write her a letter saying how hurt you feel and see if you and her could build some bridges. Sounds like she has no idea at all how her behaviour impacts on other people.

Ann your absolutely right as a child I was envious of friends who parents didn't need to seek glory like this.i have a feeling that she would have been happier not having children and becoming a career politician.my father and her divorced I think he has Asperger's syndrome so he was quite quiet and self absorbed .

Do you have the kind of relationship where you can meet her for a cuppa or ask her round and prep her- say there is something you want to talk about? Or could you use the birth of your DS as a starting point and tell her that you felt very hurt?
Sounds like your mum was shut out of her marriage if your dad has Aspergers and this was an outlet for her where she felt she had some status.

How do you think you could bring it up? Do you want to or can you find some peace by empathising with her a little and making the best of what you have now?

If the same things happen again when she is preoccupied with her own life could you be more assertive at the time and tell her it's hurtful- instead of keeping quiet and breeding resentment?

Hi Autumn. You can't change her. You do not cause her behaviour. But you can change how you interact with her and your responses to those interactions.

I can highly recommend a book called "The emotionally absent mother" by Jasmin Lee Cori. It may be painful reading at times but I found it very useful in helping me come to terms with being at the bottom of my mother's priority list. I am still at the bottom of that list but it no longer hurts like it used to. I wish you all the best.

I don't really get why an intense interest in the outside world is wrong. Maybe my dc will be on here in future. I would say it is hard going bringing up dc on your own. I know with me that work and work worries take over big time.
My mother didn't come with me to hospital when I was induced, and I didn't really expect it. Maybe the main problem is that the two of you have very different expectations of what a good relationship means to you?
It seems to be more acceptable for fathers to have these kind of preoccupations.
I'd deal with her by ensuring your own life is full and busy, and by recognising that you are different people, and then maybe finding some common ground or interests you can share in a practical way. She doesn't sound the kind of person who's particularly comfortable with emotions. You are a mother yourself now; relating to her as a fellow adult rather than in the mother/child framework may be more rewarding.

Do you want to change how you relate to each other ( and if so, how could you do this?) or do you want to come to terms with your sense of loss?

Thanks evetyone I didn't expect her to come to the hospital just show a bit of interest . I would like a more adult relationship but we are very different people .i do feel sorry for het as I feel her life hasn't turned out as she would have wished

My mum was a bit like this, but not to the same extent. She is a caring mum but was always busy with volunteer work/helping elderly people etc. I think she did need this validation outside the home as she had a rubbish marriage with my df; he was an arse to her. I don't think her outside interests bothered me too much however, until I had dc's. Then I found it disappointing that she never had time to attend special school events if invited as she was too busy and even asking her to babysit on the odd occasion was not straightforward!! She is a very distant grandmother...
I would have loved a bit more support and interest....

I think it is expectations as what you describe doesn't sound too bad to me - she has (& has always had) her own life & I think that's a good thing. Sounds like you need an honest conversation about how things are between you both to find some common ground.
[I'm obviously clouded by my own experience where I'd give anything for my mum to have outside interests instead of having nothing other than me & my DC & my brother & his dd]

Thanks everyone the thing is there wasn't a balance between my sibling and myself and the politics .the politics always came first . Other people such as my grandmother remarked on it . I understand motherhood didn't make her happy but maybe she should have thought more before becoming a parent .also the house was always a complete tip as she didn't care about it

I realise it’s Dr Who’s 50th anniversary this evening, but I feel like I’ve been transported back a couple of generations!

Seeking glory outside the home? Needing this validation? Not putting all her energy into her children?

This is the patronising shit my 80+ mother or 90+ mother-in-law would say.

I’m not often shocked by Mumsnet, but you guys have managed it

Lady I'm not talking about a normal life outside the home which is crucial . It was a total obsession which I have said left me looking after my brother and us living in a total tip of a house .

I am very absorbed by what I do and it takes up a great deal of my time. As a result I do not devote as much time to my children as I would like, but hours in a day are limited, some days I barely see them, but dp is with them when I am not, my house is a tip.

I am not sure they are my first priority, they are in a 'would die to save them' kind of way, but not necessarily in a 'would rather bake cupcakes and do finger painting than stuff I need to get on with' way.

Maybe I am a shit mum.

I think maybe your childhood was more than that and you obviously found it difficult, but myabe it is time to try and make peace with it and accept your mum for what she is, we are all only human and none of us perfect.

I'm really sorry you don't feel loved and cared for by your mum, Autumn. That's very sad, but it's not too late to improve things.

Don't you feel a tiny bit proud of her, winning all those elections, and being chosen as mayor? Have you told her so?

Gobblers love the name I think you are right .as I have said up thread I feel sorry in a way that my mum hasn't had the life I think she wanted .i just feel I have always been a burden to her starting with her. Developing pre eclampsia when expecting me .she also constantly tells me she had an awful te giving birth

Lady my mum is late 80s-90s and has never had anything in her life except her family and friends- that's how she wanted it. She gave up full time work at 26. She has a very busy social life and masses of friends but the home and DCs were her fulfillment.

It's lovely that your mum feels she's had a happy and fulfilled life, Ann. But some posts on this thread suggest that there's something abnormal with women who want more than family and housework.

Until WW11, ordinary women had very few choices in life. "Spinsters" had to work, and married women had to stay at home, looking after their husbands (and maybe children).

Nowadays we are lucky to have lots of choice. I am stunned that a young woman (ie of child-bearing age) should resent her mother having a life outside the home.

I'm with LadyMud on this. Your mum is MAYOR! That's not some trivial hobby... you should be proud to have such an impressive mother. Maybe, equally, she feels unsupported and overlooked in her achievements by YOU.

Thank you starry starry Knut and lady mud. I realise the op needs support to deal with childhood neglect, however I think framing it as obsession with a hobby is really unhelpful. Local councillors do not get paid much, and thus may not seem to be bread winning, however they are providing an important service to local people, and dismissing it as volunteering is allowing oneself to sink deeper into judgementalism. It wouldn't sound so bad if it was your dad who had done this, would it? And it wouldn't sound so bad if she was a successful career woman. Leave out the value judgements on the activity you feel has robbed you of a parent, and talk to her to understand, like others have said, what she expects her role to be in your life.

Maybe she doesn't do well with babies, especially as your own birth was traumatic, and was already struggling when she came to see you. But felt she should try her hardest to offer you her support, even if its not what you actually wanted.

And presumably your father put you even lower down his list if you were living with your mother who also had ambitions and a desire for independence. What should she have done instead? And even if with hindsight she shouldn't have had DC no-one knows how they will cope until they actually have them. Especially as she wouldn't have been intending to end up divorced.

I also watched my DBs from the age of about 12, we were old enough to fend for ourselves when DM and DF were at work and it was fine. It gave us a sense of independence and them the chance to develop their own careers further as they have lives beyond their DC and they still have that after we have all left the nest.