Advice about best friends abusive husband - tried to strangle her last week

[arfishymeau]

Can I ask your advice? My best friend has a very controlling husband. They live in a very expensive house, with all of the trappings, but he won't give her a penny. He also hits her. He's shut their 2 year old in a cupboard as punishment and is a smacker.

She has a 3 year old and 18 month old and scrapes around for every penny she can get, selling his stuff on Ebay on the sly and baking cakes for people.

I found out last week that he tried to strangle her, and she left him. She went back after a week though "because there was nobody to feed the cats".

She says she brought on his attack by slapping him first (row over him giving her some money), and that if she hadn't hit him then he wouldn't have attacked her.

He says he didn't want the children and it's her fault that she's got no money, she should go back to work. She can't go back to work because the childcare would take all of her money.

Also, when she asks for money for food or nappies he'll say 'well I bought you a dress last week' - something that she didn't ask for and could do without. What she wants is money in a joint account so she can buy the basics for her children. He won't give her money because he wants to be in control.

He's a charming, church-going, local councillor on the surface. I've always thought he was a twat, not least because he's a pompous arse who is pro-hunting.

I just don't know how to help my friend. She's living in a gilded cage, with no money for her children. She's with a man who tries to strangle her. What on earth can I do and say to her? If I phone and say that I know about the strangling and that we should have a chat then she'll downplay it and say she deserved it and that they're ok (she is very stoic). I think her only choice is to leave him. I don't think he'll change. What is he going to teach his son about women? What do you think?

What she should do is obviously LEAVE for good, but failing that take the kids & stay with a mate (you?) unless & until he grovels & is prepared to talk about what's going on.

If he's a 'church-going, local councillor' then he's not likely to stop her returning to feed the cats with a mate who knows what's gone on in tow.

He needs his bluff called.

There really isn't a solution besides her leaving him. But I know thats got to be something she has to do and is never going to be something anyone can make her do no matter how bad things get for her, I know this from experience. Having been strangled and feared for my life more than once whilst with an ex it still took me a long time to get away despite everything people said to me.
I think what gave me the strength to get away was knowing at that time I had a safe place to be - somewhere where there was someone looking after me and where there was someone who would stand up to him if he came looking. and a very very good friend who made me see what was happening to me in a non patronising way.
Sorry that was rambly and probably not very helpful at all

Hmm. Thanks all so far for your feedback. LA I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through something like this too. What reasons made you stay? Was there something that finally made you go, a realisation, or was it just having the safe house?

It is very textbook, you're right. On the outside a golden couple with everything.

I'm in Australia, so I can't really help on a practical level. I'm flying back to see her in a month, and then we'll be able to have a chat.

Personally I think she should get jeweller to replace the stone in her 5k engagement ring and sell it. That should ease the pressure a bit.

she needs to know there is somewhere to go, that eventually he will have to pay for the kids, he is a good earner.
It is gutting in these cases that she has to do the leaving as it would be better of she and the kids could stay in the house and he could leave, but not a goer in these circs
What does she want to do?
She has to leave, if not for ehr sake then her kids, they are more important than a cat which can catch its own food.
If he hurts the kids personally I'd risk a call to SS - but definitely childline/domestic violence support.

She needs to leave him and then sort things out from there. If the relationship has got violent it will only escalate now believe me.

She may have hit him first by the way but it sounds all too likely that she was totally provoked into it. Most women only hit after a lot of provocation.

Thanks everybody for your input.

GF I know from your other threads that you have been in a similar situation. Thank you so much for giving me your perspective.

I want to sit her down and say "look, he's controlling, abusive and not how a husband should be". The trouble is that she's always wanted to be married and she's really not one to make a fuss. Both of her best friends now live abroad so she's got no outlet. I really hope that she's not living a nightmare and just won't own up

What I really want to say to her is "leave him!!!! He doesn't deserve you and your children! You've got no money now, so what difference does it make?!

Agree it sounds like she should leave him. His controlling behaviour and is vile. However although it's no excuse for trying to strangle her, she should not be hitting him either. There are many women)and i'm not saying your friend is one of these women) who think it's ok to hit a man repeatedly but then are shocked when they retaliate. Noone should hit anyone, whether it's a woman hitting a man or the other way round

can you ask her to come and stay with you for a while (if she wont come for her sake tell her you need her for your sake that you're having a terrible time and need her to come and stay) then when she's out there she can have some space away from him to think and talk to you and hopefully make the decision to break from him herself.

i was in a similar situation and in the end my best friend told me she wouldnt speak to me until i left him because she couldnt stand by and watch me being hurt anymore, we didnt speak for 3 months and it really hurt me (we'd been friends about 8yrs at that point) i did leave him and we are still friends i was angry with her for leaving me when i needed her but i understood why she needed to do it and it did play a part in helping me to leave him.

TBH I think your friend must think about what is right for the children and take the pressure away from making a decision for herself. It sounds like the kids should possibly be on the At Risk register, if I knew that someone was locking their 2 yr old in a cupboard I would report them. I can only empathise as I have never been in this situation, however my DH's Dad is an alocoholic who still beats his wife and now adult children (he beat DH as a child as well). The affect it has had on my DH is much worse than he realises, he has very stunted emotions and can't deal with feeling unhappy or upset amongst other things. The point I am making is that the longer she stays the more her kids are going to be affected/hurt and she could end up in hospital, or worse dead. Please ask her to get the children safe even if she cannot bear to leave.

Thanks LMG for your advice. Why do you think she needed to get so tough with you? I'm worried because I'm in Australia at the moment while she's in Dorset, so I'm not close enough to help on a practical level.

I feel terrible now because I suspect if I still lived in London that she'd probably come to stay with me. We've been friends for 26 years and I'm not there for her at the moment

Thanks Rocklover. You are making a very valid point and one which I think would really hit home.

i wash brainwashed into believing lots of things which were not true but i can only see that now im away from the situation. i was with him for 2 years and lots of times i tried to leave but he came back begging me toi forgive him tahgt he would change that he loved me etc

the things he made me believe are shocking and i would never believe them now, but it was a gradual process over months and months until i was in it up to my eyes unable to see a way out.

things he told me.......
my friends hated me
i didnt derserve any better
he was looking after me but i was too ungrateful to see how lucky i was (this was whenever i tried to get out)
that i was a slut and no one else would want me
that my breath smelt so no one would want me (i still brush my teeth (almost 5 yrs on) a minimum of 4 times a day - i used to brush them about 6-8)
that i was fat/ ugly

the list is endless but he told me these things day after day i didnt know what to believe in the end.

the reason i left in the end was because i missed my best friend, was scared of losing my other friends and because when we were on a break i found some new friends and had a really good time they were there for me whenever i needed them and practically babysat me to stop me leaving the house to go to him because i was lonely/ bored or because he begged. after a while i realised i hadnt been living at all i had just been exsisting and it was no way for a 20yr old girl to live esp as i had dd1 who was getting older and more aware of things but i have to say i dont think i left for her sake because i knew he loved her and wouldnt harm her and i thought she was too oyung to know what was going on. (she was 2 when we split up) now shee's almost 7 and doesnt remember him or the life i had when she was tiny. (thank god!) im now with a very lovely man who is gentle and kind and respects me totally. it has been hard for him to accept way im the way i am because he cannot imagine why a man would want to scare a woman to the point where she doesnt know her own mind anymore and cant make decisions for herself.
we eventually had to have counselling to help me get over and learn how to have a constructive relationship.

sorry didnt relaise it was so long - oops!

arfishymeau, what a terrible situation for you both - each equally helpless -
She will not leave him until she is ready to do so, for whatever reason that may be or whenever and as hard as it may be for you, pretty much nothing you could say or do will alter that ( bar maybe some really extreme actions)
What you can do is try to set up a support network for her here, so that when she does finally grab the kids and run, she has somewhere to go - maybe you can get her numbers or details of womens shelters, find a trusted friend in her area who could help, and, most of all, let her know that she has an escape route if she ever feels like she needs it. My heart goes out to you as it must be so much more difficult for you being so far away -

Thanks everybody for your really helpful advice.

I'll be back in the UK to see her soon and I think we'll have a long chat. It's such a big thing I think to tell someone that you think she should leave their husband - I don't think that she really thinks his physical behaviour is wrong (ie she made him do it by hitting him first).

Hopefully she will listen to me because I told her all about my DP having an affair and so it's not like I'm coming from a holier than thou position.

On a practical level she's in a much better position than most, there would be somewhere for her to go, although she would probably be too proud.

she wont leave until she is ready. if he tried to strangle her an she is still there then it doesnt look like she is ready.

offer her a freindly ear. give her advice about what she CAN do rather than what she SHOULD do.
this is going to sound wierd i know but when your in an abusive relationship you spend your life being told what to do. leaving is something you need to do yourself and you have to make that decision when your ready.
it seems completly idiotic to those looking in from the outside but im afraid she will never leave until she is ready.

she will be very stressed by it all, have a thousand and one other pressures and she really wont find the added pressure of someone elses expectations of her helpfull.
show her you suppot her in her decision ...whatever that is. and that you will be as much help to her as you possibly can if and when she decides to leave.

try and point her towards womens aid. they are able to offer lots of practicle advice in the preperation of leaving and will also help her to speak about whats going on. even if she stays they are abel to help her and offer her a sounding board for what she is feeling. they wil not judge her, nor will they put pressure on her to leave. they will allow her to make an informed well considered decision of her own.

Oh thanks FM. That's a really good point and what I was sort of angling for in my original post - what to say and how to say it. That's exactly what I needed to know.

I will be there for her with an ear and not put on any pressure. Thanks .

I'm so sad for her, I was her chief bridesmaid and she was so happy

im glad you found it usefull. i was worried i sounded a little bit preachy.

give her huge hugs and lots of support. im sure with your assistance she will find a way to improve her situation....however that may be