If you are nc how do you explain to your dcs?

[CookieDoughKid]

Deliberately gone nc with my in laws, and unfortunately by association the rest of dh's extended family. If you know my back story, you'd know I have a really good reason and not just because I'm being stubborn etc. But because I cannot and will not risk my dcs to be in the presence of any one of this damn fucked up family who refuses to talk or acknowledge their 'seriously fucked up troubled' uncle who did a couple of 'experimental' things with my dcs and thinks it is my problem.

Sorry, you can see I'm pretty angry about it all 2years on post counselling.

My dcs asking why they don't see such and such. They are young, eldest is 5 but have strong memories of their 'past' extended family.

How can I explain, when to explain? As it has thrown me completely at the dinner table and I hushed them...the wrong way..to be quiet (less talking more eating!).

Thanks for reading.

When i went nc with my parents. I explained to my dc that they had upset me and i needed time away from them.
But they were a bit older.
It was hard going though as they didnt fully understand.

I went with telling (at the time) 6/7 yo ds that they were bullies and mean. That it wasn't fair on me to be bullied and it wasn't fair on them if we put up with their behaviour because they wouldn't know it was wrong.

After a year or two of agonising over this he accepted it and has never shown any real interest again.

Mine were 5 and 12. I told them that I'd found out something that meant they (my mother and her partner) weren't the people I had thought they were and they weren't people I wanted in my or their lives.

They didn't much like my mother so they accepted it pretty much immediately. DD just accepted it and rarely mentions her, DS was older and I know he wants more detail, but I can't give him more for legal reasons. Plus it was difficult enough for me to process it and I'm an adult, it would be cruel to tell him.

if their uncle did something very bad (clearly he did) then I would say that what Uncle X did was wrong, very wrong, and you can't be in touch with him. Explain then that the other family do not believe what he did so that you have had to say that you can't be in touch with them.

Not so seriously but there are 2 people in my family I wish no further contact with and I have had to explain that because they spoke very badly, I cannot allow more contact. It is not ok to behave in certain ways and if someone doesnt understand that or isnt willing to apologise and promise never to do it agan, then the best thing is not to see them or talk to them any more.

I don't think that hiding things does any good. Children can be told a scaled down versoin of the truth.

I've nc with my sister & her family. Very limited contact with my mother. My dc haven't even noticed!

I've gone NC with my dad - about 3 months now, and haven't really spoken to the kids about it (6 and 4) I know I have to though and am planning to tomorrow. I have been going through it in my head for ages, and I am going to say

"you know at school (the bully!!!) and you know how he has some friends he gets on really well with, and other kids he is really unkind to? Well grandad can be a bit like that, and atm I just really don't want to speak to him because I feel like I am one of the kids he is unkind to! But you might be someone who gets on really well with him in the future, like * gets on with * at school, and I am not trying to stop your relationship if it turns out that you are going to be friends. so if you want to write a letter or send a picture to grandad anytime go ahead and i will post it, but I am sorry, we will not be speaking to him or seeing him just now, and it is because of my relationship with him, not because of anything else, and I don't want you to worry about it."

I think the kids will take it fine and not fuss, they only saw him a couple times a year anyway, though they did used to speak on the phone regularly. I have to address it though. So - no idea id it is correct but that is my plan! Good luck, and yuk, it is awful isn't it?

This is interesting as I have nc with my parents. My ds who is five has only just noticed and caught me off guard one day recently by asking. I will not lie to him, but I do not want to worry him either. I was vague until he is alot older. I said that I lived with my gran as my mum was poorly (partly true and she has severe mh issues) he then changed the subject. Its a difficult one.

I have been nc with my mother for 5 years now. The only DC that asks is DD1 who's 9 now, she said that my Mum must be grumpy and mean. I just said yes she was to me growing up. The others have never asked :(

I've been nc with my F for about 6mths, ds1 is 4.9 and although he rarely saw him he does remember him and he occasionally asks when will we see grandad, when is it grandad's birthday etc. I usually just say oh I don't know, probably not for a while. He usually accepts that. I don't really know what I will say in the future if he asks more detailed questions. I feel that as there is a possibility that my F will one day see sense once he's dumped his bitch wife and will then want a relationship with the dc that I don't want to say anything that will harm that but equally I do want him to have some understanding of the difficulties so that F/SM cannot try and convince him that I am evil .

In your situation OP if there is a family member who you definitely do not want them to have contact with then I would explain as meerka suggested that what uncle x did was wrong etc.

Thanks all. It is so sad to hear nc happening in other families too and I do wish it wasn't the case. But I guess its just life. Somehow we have to deal with it and so must our children.