NC with PIL for 10 years and now we've had a text...

[LoveandLife]

We were married for 10 years before DH decided enough was enough and were always walking on eggshells. It was so easy to cause offence. e.g. MIL called when DS1 was 3 days old to complain that the Mother's Day card we sent was too small and there were loads of similar things.

What usually happened was that they would go off in a sulk and after a few days I or DH would call, smooth things over and we'd be back to normal, until the next time.

10 years ago, after MIL was "devastated" because my mum organised something lovely for DH's birthday (mum really loves her SIL ) DH decided he'd had enough and we didn't make the usual call. Although there have been occasional (often not very nice) emails since he hasn't seen or spoken to them in 10 years. They haven't seen their GC since they were 2yo and 6mo.

Anyway this week he's had a text. Their Golden anniversary is coming up. Will we go, let them know so they can make the booking? No mention of what the celebration is. No idea if it's just us, immediate family or a huge celebration.

I've said to DH I'll do whatever he wants but that I don't think meeting up for the first time in 10 years, in front of loads of people who (presumably) know we haven't spoken for 10 years is a good idea. If he/they want to reconcile there must be better ways...

He has decided he doesn't want to go and doesn't want to see/speak to them so he's going to decline by text.

He wants to send a lengthy text about why it's a bad idea. I think it would be better just to say no thanks.

WWYD?

Agreed, the constant this's and thats, the eggshells, were tiresome and draining. But you say yourself the PILs aren't too bad, it's the sister who is a nasty piece of work. They all sound bonkers tbf.

Your OP surprised me because I honestly don't see that the examples you give are enough to cut contact entirely. Hugely tiresome, of course, but 10 years seems particularly savage.

They may want to see you because losing their boy, and you all, is unbearable, not necessarily to play happy families. I don't want to lay it on with a shovel, as much as it sounds as though I am. But how would you feel if your boy cut contact with you for 10 years? Pretty painful, I'd say.

It may be a case of learning to manage their ridiculous ways - they don't sound particularly toxic, just very difficult. A visit a year wouldn't be too much, surely? Let the madness go over your head, don't take it seriously. DH may not be able to manage it - this time - but I do think it's sad he is so resolute over what seems to be relatively trivial in the scheme of things. Not in the big league, anyway.

This stuff isn't off the top of my head btw. I am NC with my toxic family; though I just can't do it to my mum, who is ancient. She is very, very difficult but I do see her now and again. I expect nothing, which is for the best all round. She means well but is bonkers, frankly. I don't expect anything from her any more - there's no point.

DH didn't cut contact -not really. They did it often, wwould go off in a huff and we wwould hear nothing from them until DH or i got in touch, then we'd be expected to behave like nothing happened.

The only decision DH took was that this time he wasn't making the first move and it's taken them 10 years to do it! If they'd called even in the first month everything would have carried on as "normal"

They've now been in touch but from the limited contact it's still like we have to pretend nothing happened. No mention of the last 10 years, the kind of text you send someone you had dinner with last weekend

Sorry to go on. I'm not saying it's easy seeing her - it really isn't. I have to brace myself, make sure I can take it. I sometimes cry afterwards - for what she isn't, for what I wish I'd had (I also cry for her, it seems such a waste of a life). The way I see it is she is up to her neck in crap, and has been her entire life, and it's too late to address it now. Sometimes I can only manage 5 minutes but I know it would destroy her if I cut her off entirely. I can't do that to her.

If she complains that eg a card was too small, say oh I'm sorry, we didn't mean to offend you. Placate her. Don't take it seriously - she's off her rocker. Could you manage that once a year?

If my boy wasn't talking to me for more than an hour i would do whatever it took to put things right

Atilla you seem full of doom and gloom about the text coming back to haunt him. I think he will be fine and I understand his concerns re them ringing the house.

Well then pretend nothing has happened. It's all they're capable of. No point wishing there was more - there isn't. That's not to say it doesnt hurt, and you privately don't want more (or DH doesn't want more) but it's not available and that's that. Probably because they're bound as tight as pigs in a poke.

10 years has been a long stand of, don't you think?

Springy Clearly he doesn't want to. I really don't think you can say from the OPs posts that he is wrong to go NC.

Actually Springy your posts have helped me see dh is doing the right thing. What you describe sounds miserable for all concerned

If this were a genuine approach, it'd have been worded differently. The initial approach would be more conciliatory I think. 'I know we've have our issues/differences etc..' - not if this were my father. He could never bring himself to apologise about anything and this sort of situation would a limited opportunity (for him) to offer an olive branch - even after 10 years. He would never say 'this has gone on too long' 'we need to sort this out' etc. He would never admit he was wrong, would argue black was white and I see him in OP's description of her PIL's, this is why I am possibly seeing the other perspective.

And I am the same as you Love, it were my DD I wouldn't let and hour go by without sorting thing out thankfully I like to think I'm not a twat like my father

amumwhocares I agree, that kind of proves my point, there's no interest in resolving, only forgetting and brushing under carpets. Some things have to be acknowledged. 10 yrs of silence has to be one of them. :)

We're not out parents/ils. We care about the feelings of others.

We would resolve issues with our dc.

I genuinely wish I were in the position where I could tell him to fuck off have no interest, but sadly I have to tolerate my father because of the mum I adore dearly

Our generation is much more emotionally literate in a way previous generations simply aren't. It would come more naturally to us to express how we feel. Not so previous generations - a lot wouldn't even know how they feel, let alone be able to express it.

Granted, MIL certainly seems to know how to express - repeatedly! - how she feels but the griping about a too-small card is not really about the card, however inappropriately she expressed it.

Anyway, fair enough, it's your DH's decision and I can really see why he's made it. I assume they're approximately in their 70s if they are about to celebrate their golden WA? The diamond WA will be the next one coming up and, if they're still around, they'll be frail then. They will have forgotten what they did, why they did it. My parents are at that stage and my view is probably coloured by that.

I think it's a bit short-sighted to say yous would do all you can to mend a breach with an adult child. It's not always that straightforward.

ie imo it's short-sighted to assume our children wouldn't choose to go NC with us.

Spring y i work about that constantly - history repeating itself. Mil was nc with her own father for last 10 years of his life

I do know that it wouldnt come from me. There's nothing that would leave me so hurt i wasn't prepared to make the effort to make it right and there's nothing i wouldn't apologise for if that's what was needed

Loveandlife

History does not have to repeat itself however. People always have a choice.

The fear that their own children as adults would choose to go no contact with them is often expressed. I personally think such fears are unfounded because in your case at least you actually do your very best for your children and treat them properly. You try and meet their needs. We all make mistakes as parents yes but toxic parents generally ignore their childrens needs completely. Some can also be exploitative, cruel, indifferent and inadequate towards their children. This affects the child now adult markedly. Fear, obligation and guilt are but three of many damaging legacies left by such parents.

My ILs as well used their Golden Wedding purely as an opportunity to show how "wonderful" their own family unit supposedly is.

I re-read your initial post and I think the only reason they contacted your DH after 10 years of silence was to put you in the photos to make them look good. Image is all important. Also the decision to go no contact in the first place is one that is never taken lightly; you both gave them opportunities to make amends. They simply did not want to do that; its their way or no way as far as they are concerned.

Too true Atilla there wasn't anything in it for them to make amends.

Until now. Nothing changes eh?

:(

erm... and if you do your very best for your children and treat them properly and they still choose to cut you out of their life, then your fears are, indeed, founded. Please don't think it couldn't happen to any of us.

See, there's this myth that children go NC because the parent/s are toxic. That's not necessarily always the case. Sometimes it's the 'children' who are toxic. Plus there are any number of potential distractions that can ultimately sever that relationship. NOt everyone values that relationship or recognises how important it is. I agree that there is very probably toxicity somewhere along the line, possibly toxic influences; or drugs ie a dissolute lifestyle, fame, wealth etc; but it isn't necessarily the parent who is toxic. 'Good parenting' isn't necessarily going to ensure it doesn't happen.

I think we just have to think of what it would be like if our children chose to go NC with us, perhaps because of a real or perceived grievance - or plain neglect. We may do all we can to repair the breach but they may not be willing and, ultimately, you can't force people.

Maybe so springy and i don't for a minute think it could never happen for our dc - i worry a lot that it could; but none of that's going to change because DH lets his parents make him miserable again. The only effect it might have is that dc get to see toxic behaviour modelled and pil take every opportunity to tell dc how awful their parents are.

love I admire you and your DH for the no contact. I wish I could manage the same but still get trapped in the guilt Web and cave every 3 months or so and am going back for Xmas at great cost to me and DH which we can't afford but oh well I guess it partly placates my guilt.

I just don't see why as children we should have to be the ones to bend. Parents are adults too and need to take responsibility for the rifts they contribute to. I think you're right to not expose that behaviour to your own family too. Getting them involved in your lives once more will just be miserable. Good for you both being so strong. It is not easy.

I do agree that perhaps your DH isn't up to it. I don't know if I said on this thread (there's another one going on the same subject!) but some of my visits to my mum can be 5 minutes. Granted she is fairly local. I have to know I can take it if I do see her and tbh she seems generally content to see my face: meaningful connection doesn't seem to be important to her lol. HOwever, sometimes I get there and realise I can't take it after all - some comment she makes and I can feel the incredible hulk brewing on my insides - and I make some excuse. She knows and I know I'm getting out of it, but she seems ok with that, as long as she sees me now and then. She just wants to know I'm alive and she is very placated to hear my voice ie I phone fairly regularly. Her hearing is shot to pieces so I let her talk and I make general noises at the other end.

It has taken a loooooong time for me to get to this. The days are gone where I attempt to have it out with her - it is a waste of time and incredibly painful for me (her too, perhaps). Sometimes I'll make a pithy comment, straight to the point, but I resolutely move on, I suppose satisfied that I've been able to make a nod to the truth, whether she accepts it or not.

I don't see her out of guilt but actually compassion. Yes it's a duty but it doesn't weigh heavy iyswim. I do love her and I am glad to see her face, too. I am grateful for what she gave me, even though in many ways it fell abysmally short.

re having to bend - that's how I feel about my dad. He is an atrocious bully who has never loved me and, crucially, has never made any attempt to love me (unlike my mum, who has certainly loved me in her weird way). I don't see why I should make overtures towards him. If my mum goes first, which is likely (but you never know), I doubt I'll see him. She says - I probably will, because he's so old... but it will be pure duty. I will probably recognise that he is a product of his upbringing in due course, as I do my mum. It's all too late now anyway.

My parents are also very isolated now. They are so blind and deaf it must be horrible for them. I do have compassion for that. They are quite helpless now.

Springy you are obviously trying to do what's best for you and yours (although i don't think you're achieving that, it makes you miserable) but frankly youre starting to sound a lot like pil - laying on the guilt