New relationships

[RollerCola]

I need some help because I'm not sure if I'm seeing clearly.

Quick back story - separated from husband of 16 yrs in July, had been together 23 yrs. I'm 39, 2 dcs 11 & 7. Last 5 yrs had been terrible at home, h had several EAs with various women. It was a relief to separate.

So once he'd finally left, I stupidly went on an OD site for a 'look'. I'm not sure why, I felt awful at the time and I thought a bit of attention might make me feel better. I got loads of 'hey you look nice let's meet' messages but ignored most. It was nice to know men liked me but I didn't actually want to 'do' anything. I actually chatted to 2 guys for about a day but didn't really like them.

I was pretty much ready to check out but then got a nice message off a nice guy. We chatted, and chatted..and chatted. We exchanged numbers & carried on chatting for the next few weeks..every day.

He seemed really nice, not pushy at all. No pressure to meet, but I started to want to see him. I checked & double checked he wasn't married etc (he's not) and we met for a drink after 4 weeks of chatting .

We got on like an absolute house on fire! After living with such a cold, unemotional husband for years it was like a breath of fresh air to go out with someone so genuinely nice and caring. There was still no pressure to take it further..but I wanted to and we've seen each other a handful of times since. We still text & chat every day and have both talked about doing things together over the next few months.

So. My dilemma is, I'm not actually divorced yet. He knows and seems fine. It's only been 4 months since I separated from h, and only actually 2 months since he finally moved out. I have no feelings for him, I'd prefer not to see him at all but have to weekly because of the kids. Our relationship is definitely dead.

So is this new relationship far too soon? I'm holding back because my head tells me that it is, but I'm falling for this guy fast. I've only told one friend about him because I don't want people to talk and risk the kids finding out.

Although I really like him and want to spend more time with him, I can't imagine telling the kids about him for a very long time, and I definitely don't want to tell my h about him as I'm not sure how he'll react and I don't want him to start being difficult about the divorce.

Should I just keep it casual and keep seeing him in 'secret' so to speak? Is it all too soon? Do I need time by myself to grieve for my lost marriage?

When I went on that site I really didn't expect anything to come out of it so soon. It was meant to be an ego boost but I obviously didn't think it through.

Any advice?

I should enjoy it whilst you can. It sounds like you probably did your grieving for the marriage during those last five years!

For what it's worth, DP was still living with his ex (although separated) when we got together through OD and I am still not divorced five years after my separation.

Don't get caught up thinking that a divorce means you're over someone. I've known people who have been divorced years who never got over the relationship and others, like me, who never got round for the divorce but we're totally ready to meet someone new.

I'd also give yourself six months before you even think about meeting kids and keep it quiet from the ex as well. Often exes who initiated splits suddenly find that they're not happy that their ex partner has found someone new. Seems bonkers, but there you go!! At least if you keep it quiet you'll not have dates ruined by phone calls and texts from the ex (the voice of bitter experience)!!

Bloody autocorrect and typos, sorry!!

I'm glad you've met someone nice and I hope it works out well for you both.

I was in a similar position about 10 years ago - came out of a cold, loveless relationship and then met someone via OD who listened to me, was funny, adored me.

Unfortunately we didn't take things slowly - we rushed into a full on relationship; introduced our kids to each other and he moved in with us after about 4 months. He was a genuinely nice guy but with hindsight I can see he just gave me what I needed then - attention, care, respect, lots of really good sex etc.

After a year or so I realised that we wanted different things - he wanted to get married, I wanted to focus on my kids and my career. The relationship limped on.... but ended acrimoniously after 7 years. I wish we'd taken it really slowly and not involved the kids until much, much later.

I think you probably do need to keep it casual and, if you become conscious that it's getting too deep and meaningful, maybe take a rain-check. It takes a long time to get over the end of a serious relationship, especially one characterised by 'cold and emotional' behaviour. Pretty much anyone is going to seem warm and caring by comparison. If you'd only ever been with one man since age 16, you've also not got much experience of what kind of person you actually are when independent.

I'm not saying this man is malicious or has ulterior motives. He sounds very respectful, not trying to rush and so on. Great for companionship and casual sex or whatever. Just think you should stay emotionally detached so that you avoid the 'frying pan into the fire' possibility - depressingly common on the rebound.

Yes, I'm a bit confused about just how much better I've felt since we separated. I keep thinking I should feel far more upset than I do. Since July I've not once questioned if it was the right thing. I did spend 2 days (just 2! no more!) in a crumpled heap after I found out about h's latest 'relationship' by reading his phone just before he left, but then I just got up and thought 'Thank God he's finally gone'

So I'm sure there's no chance of ever wanting to go back to him and like you say, I think I've been grieving for the marriage for a long time. But the children and other family and friends haven't so it's still very new to them. Which is why I don't want to stress them any further than I already have.

Cogito - that's another thing that concerns me. I have very little experience with men, so am wary of getting into something serious again so soon.

Not that I need to suddenly start sleeping with every guy that comes along.

But do I need to start sleeping with every guy that comes along to make up for lost time??

Also, any advice on 'not getting too emotionally attached'?

I'm trying really hard to do lots of other things with the kids, and am really enjoying being just the three of us. But the guy is just there in the back of my mind, he's so nice and makes me smile . I need to hold back but, you know, he's nice.

You're doing OK. Essentially it means not making yourself reliant on someone and vice versa. So not sitting by the phone waiting for the next text but - as you are sensibly doing - getting out and being with your DCs and friends etc. Maintaining a life of your own so that, if you get bored with him or something, it's no big deal to shake hands and do the 'it's been nice' speech.

I remember going out with a man not long after my marriage broke up... quite nice in his own way... but it went from taking me out to dinner, to always coming round to my place for dinner, to the point where he was constantly in my face and practically measuring for curtains!! That's where I called time :)

"But do I need to start sleeping with every guy that comes along to make up for lost time?? "

I think the sleeping with is less important than the dumping of TBH. :) When you've been in a LTR and you brain defaults to 'forgiveness and forever' mode, it's important to remind yourself that, as a single woman, it's perfectly OK to love 'em and leave 'em.

I have been going out with someone for 18 months. We started seeing each other when I had been separated from my XH for a year and when he had been separated from his XW for 3 weeks. We haven't rushed into anything - he met my DC after about 6 months and stays here sometimes when they are here but mostly we only sleep with each other when my DC are with XH. We are intending to live together but not for a few years to wait until his DS has finished at university. We are both very happy with our relationship, with our time together and our time apart :)

I don't think that being divorced or not is necessarily an issue. People can be divorced and still not ready to be with someone else or not be divorced and be fine.

Thanks, I can't quite decide if I've got my guard really high up or not up at all

I've probably got it on it's highest notch because I'm just so wary of messing things up even more. My marriage breakdown couldn't be stopped in the end but I feel I owe it to my kids not to cause them any more confusion or worry than I already have.

I think I'm going to proceed very slowly and it will have to be all on my terms. I know new guy is keen for me to meet some of his friends & I'll be happy to do that, but I've got to tell him there'll be no meeting of any of my side for a long time yet. I guess the way he handles it will be my indicator of what kind of person he is. I think he's a goodun though.