How do I move on?

[gildedcage]

I'm new to this so apologies in advance for any wrong etiquette...

My husband and I have been married for ten years and have three dc. In July I randomly uncovered that my husband was secretly watching porn...and had done so a lot since the birth of our youngest child, it was on the the Internet history and in short he didn't realise that his phones history was connected to our tablets through Google? !

Anyway to cut a long story story short I I simply don't have the same feelings for him. I don't respect him in the same way and his lies which were to my face have made me question his integrity which is central to everything for me. In fact while I hate the porn its the lies told openly to my face that have destroyed me.

I don't want to break up my children's home over this however how can I maintain a marriage with someone I cannot trust, also the misogyny of it makes me question whether this is the man I married...I would never gave chosen to be married to a porn user and he knows this.

Will I be able to rebuild the trust, if so how and how long will it take? I just want to feel normal again...which is bizarre as I have done nothing.

Any thoughts ladies on how to get myself back on track?

It's not your role to rebuild the trust. It's his. Had you ever had a conversation in the past where you'd made it clear that porn use was crossing a terrible line? Was he attempting to be discreet or was he deliberately deceptive? Does he know now that the relationship is over if nothing changes? Have there been other problems in the relationship or is this an isolated event?

Thanks for your response. I had never expressed that use of porn crossed a a line with me, so I suppose in this respect I'm guilty of not being clear on my expectations.

I think he was was trying to be discreet however when I questionned him he lied...I then showed him the evidence and he lied...which questionned my intelligence which made me angry and then he cleared everything! He only came clean after about two weeks and because of his own guilt... He is well aware that I wont put up with porn or more importantly lies. He also knows that my trust has been damaged.

In fairness to him he is devastated that he has destroyed my respect and trust. And he has been very open. I know he hasn't done anything like this since. Its just the memory of the lies that hurt.

We had no problems...I thought I had everything.

OK. If it was news to him that porn crossed a line, and if he'd tried to be discreet about it then no crime had actually been committed up to that point. It is also understandable, although not commendable, that his knee-jerk reaction on discovering your aversion was to cover up the truth. Nobody's perfect. We all do stupid things when backed into a corner.

If this is not his normal behaviour (lying I mean), if he's genuinely sorry and if he's dropped the porn use then I think that's encouraging. If you have no respect or trust for him however, don't keep the poor man around just so you can punish him with contempt.

Yes, you're right. I suppose I have to accept he made a mistake and move on otherwise I will destroy all the good things we have.

Thanks for the words of reason.