Help me figure this out PLEASE. My mother and me...............

[InsanityandBeyond]

She was very abusive when I was a child. Emotionally and physically. I had a fearful childhood. Sexual abuse by an older sibling was 'my fault'. I was evil, bad, filthy, disgusting and a 'thing'. Compared negatively with my absent father and his family. Left out of family events as I would 'ruin' them etc (I never did anything wrong, just used to 'sneer' at them apparently). Attacked by her when I said I was leaving home at 18.

Left home and lived 50 miles away. Low contact. Returned at 21 as relationship with boyfriend broke down and I had nowhere to go as I had lost my job, had to give up rented house and absence had made my heart grow fonder (silly me) . Emotional and physical abuse continued until I left again for good 10 months later.

Low contact again until I got pregnant with my 1st DC 3 years later and then I wanted my family close so constantly went back and forth to visit.

Now as an adult, my relationship with my mother was very close , in my mind anyway. Don't know how that happened but I 'forgot' all the terrible things she'd done to me (prevented contact with my father/strangled me ). She was there for me when I needed her (flying over from the other side of the world and arranging DD2's funeral) but tended to take over. She did start to display favouritism with my DCs called them names on occasion which I felt uncomfortable with (in a massive FOG) but never called her on it. She baked with them, bought them nice presents, had them a few times to stay. They enjoyed being with her and my stepfather.

Then I started to suffer from panic attacks/extreme anxiety and had to seek counselling as my life was a living hell. Immediately my counsellor went back into my childhood (mainly because of how I viewed myself and we were exploring why I was full of such self-loathing). It all came back to me and as we dissected my childhood and relationship with my family, I started to feel a lot of anger at how I was treated and how I was made to feel about myself.

I confronted my mother who was 'shocked' and distressed of course. This lead to ALL my siblings being disgusted that I could accuse my mother of such terrible things (after all she did for me/them). Not one of them stood up to validate my experiences (out of 7 of them). They all decided I was 'fucked up' and always had been. I was trying to blame my mother for ME fucking up my life etc. Mother agreed that the stuff I brought up DID happen but I was to blame for being spiteful and nasty. This has led to me spending the last 3 years in utter turmoil and totally cast out of the family and my mother recently telling me that I was never to contact her again as she didn't deserve me bringing up the past and wanted to forget it and enjoy her old age. Which I have been OK with. In fact it is a relief .

Now what I can't understand is how my mother and I had a decent relationship through the 15 years (from a distance) before this. With hindsight I cannot understand why I went back to her after I left home . Sometimes I wish I had never 'remembered' it all or had counselling to bring it all back up. That things had stayed as they were. I keep thinking that things couldn't have been that bad. Why have I fucked up my DCs relationship with their grandparents and aunts and uncles ? Why the hell did I say anything to my mother at all .

I know my mind did not make up what I went through as a child as my mother agreed these things happened but I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me and I am the one in the 'wrong' again. I am to blame for yet another problem. Maybe I was a horrible, spiteful kid and I deserved it all. My old school reports, which I have as my mother posted everything she had of mine to me including homemade cards from my DCs and all their pictures, showed that I was well above average intelligence but very quiet and subdued with no confidence at all. A card I made for my mum at the age of 7 was full of hearts and kisses although I can't remember the damn woman EVER hugging me.

Help the FOG is enveloping me again! How come we got on so well when I became an adult when she was so abusive when I was a child? I don't get it!!

This sounds so confusing for you, I'm so sorry. I thin k you 'went back' because you hoped she would be the kind of mother you should have had. I think you should continue with counselling to help you make sense of it. Have you been on the stately homes thread (toxic parents) ? you will find support there.

You went back because there is a yearning in all children for the love of their parents. This, and the constant pressure from society that we have to love our parents and other blood relations despite the fact they may not love and care for us. It is hard to fight against these instinctual feelings and societal pressures, so much so that it is sometimes 'easier' to deny our real feelings of anger and distress and, instead, play the part of the dutiful, loving child.

The good news is that you escaped. You DON'T actually have to have a relationship with this toxic, dysfunctional woman and the rest of her enablers, there's no law saying you do! It doesn't matter if fifty other relatives say you are a terrible person and deny your experience, you KNOW what happened because you were there and you experienced it. They all have a vested interest in denying what you feel because not only does it show them capable of appalling behaviour but they more than likely want to project the facade of the 'perfect family' to other people - at your expense.

Now that you have children it is even more important that you break away and protect them from this toxic nonsense. Dysfunction bleeds from generation to generation if you are not careful, so make sure you put a stop to it in your branch of the family. People like this never change, make your life with your own little family, your friends, in-laws etc, people who love and cherish you for you. You are not the problem here, you were a child. You can't go back and protect yourself but you can build a new, happier life and you can make sure your children are not exposed to this harmful woman and her minions. You feel better being no contact because that is the right thing for you and deep down you know it.

You were looking for the mother you should have had. Much like me and my father. The panic attacks were possibly similar to mine too, your subconscious removing you from a situation you shouldn't have been in.

As had already been mentioned there is a lot of pressure, particularly on daughters IMO, to conform to society's idea of what constitutes a good daughter, sister, aunt etc. So physically you did what was expected but emotionally you knew that was wrong for you. That internal conflict will manifest itself one way or another. And the longer it goes on the greater impact it has on health.

Well done on confronting your mother. Now leave her where she belongs, in the past, and move forwards with your own family.

You haven't fucked up our DC's relationships with family at all. What you have done is remove the opportunity for those relatives to fuck up your DC's lives. Well done.

Would you consider returning to therapy? To finish the process and (excuse the wording) get closure so that you can really move forward without the weight of your toxic mother.

Adora that's a very good point about there being an even greater pressure on women to 'perform' certain roles due to societal pressures. I also think there is a huge taboo regarding the idea that not everyone has an all loving all nurturing mother.

Yes, most people are shocked if I say that my mother was toxic whereas my father being toxic gets a sympathetic head tilt but nothing more.

Not that I'm looking for sympathy, it's just a glaringly obvious difference in people's responses.

That's very interesting Adora. In my case my parents never married and my dad is not abusive but people find it very difficult to comprehend that I have been no contact with my mother for umpteen years and that I feel nothing but relief and happiness to be free of her. They think I must be continually grieving about it and longing for a reconciliation whereas, in fact, I really am not and do not, I accept that she is what she is and will never change. I live a very happy life and know I will never speak to her again but if I ever talk about it (not to my close friends who do actually understand, but to other people) you can see people find it really hard to believe.

Thank you all.

I seem to have excruciating attacks of self doubt late at night when the DCs are all in bed . Waste time going over and over it in my head, go to bed way too late, sleep badly so feel absolutely knackered the next day and so it continues. I have posted on here about it before and have always got the same response.

Why oh why do I keep going round in bloody circles? I keep looking for reassurance to convince myself that I don't have to carry the guilt and shame any longer.

I don't want to give it any more headspace. I want to feel that I did the right thing, just let go and start concentrating on healing the immense damage that my mother (and father) did to me.

It is extremely difficult!

Am with you on this one, Insanity. I have similar stuff going on. My lifeline thought is that it is never OK to tell someone, an adult or a child, that they are horrible and bad, particularly not a child. If a child is really being horrible and bad, they're most likely to be copying the behaviours of the adults around them. Your adults let you down and labelled you unfavourably. You have to unlabel yourself (and I also need to listen to my own advice).

Oh and just to say, the panic attacks started when we moved abroad. So far away from all my family. Therapist said my subconscious was trying to release my 'coping mechanisms' as I was in a 'safe' place away from them all. DD1 was also the same age as I was when sexual abuse started (also relevant apparently).