Lost the dream

[fliss28]

Single mum here and I've lost the dream :( for many years I believed in true love but here I am at 32 with so many failed relationships under my belt I wonder if I will ever find the "one". Guess what I'm looking here is any of u been in that position and one day found the one?

I was in that position. 31 and divorced with a child after shit relationship after shit relationship.

So I focused on ME for the first time. What I like, what makes me happy.

Then I met my lovely DH at 32! I'm now 37 with DC no 3 on the way.

Have faith! Take some time out and sod relationships and men for a while is my best advice.

After dating a couple of boys in my teens briefly I spent almost the entirety of my 20's single due to being hurt in a relationship.

3 years ago next month I tidied up my FB and got rid of a load of people including my first ever bf from when I was 16. (We dated for a month and a half, were inseparable but it was too much for my 16 year old self to handle)

He called me out on deleting him, we texted solidly for a week, then came the epic 3 hour phone calls ;) we met up 3 weeks after that and spent 6 months long distance dating before I moved halfway across the country.

3 years on we are married and due our first baby this Christmas. I still grin insanely when I think of him, we still text daily even though we live together and I am ludicrously happy.

If you had told me 3 years ago, that I would be married to my first boyfriend from 15 years before, pregnant and this smiley I would have laughed. I went from an utter cynic, permanently single to the soppiest, happiest girl in the world.

Fingers crossed for you OP, it can happen!

My view is that getting hung up on finding 'the one' risks turning you in to a desperate and vulnerable person. Some will find that off-putting. Bullies will exploit it. If you embark on a relationship hoping this is 'the one' it puts you in a weak position emotionally, takes a lot of the enjoyment out of it and can lead to some bad decisions. Real life is not a rom-com.

I'm pretty sure it's not what cogito meant, but also don't compromise too much in the fear of staying single.
You may well have unrealistic expectations of the one, but you may have only met men that are not a good match for you.

If you have a usual type you go for, maybe you should rethink it and allow other types. They may well surprise you, if your usual hasn't worked so far.

Stop looking. Really. Concentrate on living the best life you can for yourself and your DC. Happiness is not man-shaped. No man can bring you contentment and fulfilment if you don't already have those things inside you. No one is going to rescue you from your life, and it isn't fair to expect them to.

That's what I meant Lweji. Compromising for fear of being single - or maybe more accurately, fear of being lonely - is the biggest single psychological trap there is. Persisting in seeing 'the one' in people that don't deserve the tag.

I would add, having read the above, that I missed that bit of the 10 years I was single. In having been hurt I gave up on men and decided to enjoy my life. I decided I needed to know who I was as a person without any reliance on someone else. I had an amazing 10 years, occasionally I felt lonely but I filled that gap with friends and activities. I wasn't looking for someone when I ended up with DH, it is a great thing to be able to be happy with you and know who you are before meeting someone because it means when you do find the right one you are sure of yourself and end up in a partnership as opposed to a dependency. X

I was divorced at 31, with a baby. I met dp at the grand old age of 38, and we are very happy. So yes, it happens. Of course it does.

However., in the intervening years between divorce and meeting dp, I put myself through university, changed careers, bought a flat, made new friends, took up singing, started another degree, now have a fab job in a top-notch company - oh yes, and brought up my brilliant, beautiful ds pretty much singlehandedly. Yes, I sometimes felt a teeny bit wistful when I saw my 'happy couple' friends but I knew that the only person who could really make me happy was me. (Plus, they weren't always that happy!)

Worrying about 'finding the one' and 'losing the dream' is really dangerous thinking. There is no such thing as The One, and there's definitely no such thing as The Dream. You're setting yourself up for failure before you even start. Forget chasing the dream, get on with enjoying your own life, because there's no Mr Wonderful who's going to waltz in and do it for you.

Thank u all for u replies they make a lot of sense.