Sick of rejecting DH. :(

[dragonmonkey]

I just find it so hard to be affectionate and intimate with DH at the moment.

Its turning into a vicious circle, I avoid sex, he gets depressed and drinks more, this makes me even less interested.

Its almost like I've transferred all my affection to the DC and don't have the energy for us sometimes. Its easier to keep small kids happy.

The longer this goes on though, the more DH wants more than just working up to things with cuddles etc which I feel would help me.

Our youngest hasn't slept through. Ever. In more than 18 months. I'm exhausted and should be sleeping now really!

DH rarely helps at night as he did with older DC as he feels I've made a rod for my own back by partially co sleeping this time .

The other history is that just over 10 years ago I did a very stupid thing (cheated, still can't explain why) and he still can't trust me. We've since got married, have lovely DC, but this colours everything really.

Sorry this is totally rambling and I have probably missed stuff, but I would so like to fix things but it seems so massive when I'm tired.

I do try hard to have sex at least every couple of weeks or so as it seems worse the longer I leave it. I just seem to have a mental block though, as I can almost feel my body responding but I get so tense.

Hope this makes sense after a few glasses of wine, any advice welcome.

I am prone to just avoiding life a bit by being on here reading a lot etc its not helping.

Drinking is at the weekend btw, he is SAHD and rarely drinks during the week!

Hi dragon, the clue is in your second posting, you thought we would judge your dh for drinking so you clarified. You love him and yes you made a mistake but it was a decade ago so be kinder to yourself. Being a mum is incredibly hard tiring stressful and lovely, but sometimes it becomes all consuming. You need you and dh time! You need a cheeky weekend away! I do a very cheapo weekend away in a budget hotel or B and B. I just go up the road just somewhere I've never been! Buy a bottle of cheap booze and a takeout or meal out if you have the cash or even do all that at home. The point is to break the routine. Make sure you do anything other than what you normally do! And please please take the pressure off yourself you sound fab. [gift]

It is a bit of a grind tbh. We actually do have the possibility of some baby sitting now so I'm hoping it might make a little difference even getting out for a drink or lunch!

Not quite ready to inflict leave wakey up toddler overnight on anyone, will maybe get there.

I know it was 10 years ago and have no intention of doing anything so stupid ever again, but DH seems to have real doubts and will occasionally even ask if there's someone else. He doesn't quite believe I'm just this wiped out

I've been married over 10 years, apart from the cheating bit I could have written your opening post.

Completely normal. Young children wear you out, there is nothing else to give.

Except, somehow, we must try because we love our DHs! Answers on a postcard, please!

Poor you!

I can sort of see why your DH feels insecure though.

The root cause is that you are knackered (assuming there aren't other relationship issues you!0've not mentioned). Might it be worth talking to HV about sleep (as well as hanging out in MN 'sleep' forum)? For it does sound as if that is a big issue that you need to get cracked.

I am confused. If he is the SAHD why is he not helping at night, as I assume you work? Are the mundane tasks shared equally, bearing in mind he is the SAHD, or are you carrying the burden of that too? I imagine there is more to this than you have said so far...

Nope he's doing most stuff at home, he's much more efficient than me! I tend to get home and get sidetracked by the DC. My untidiness is a something we fall out about sometimes.

Yes I work FT.

I've pretty much taken the path of least resistance at night, not really into sleep training. I do have the no cry sleep solution book but I've been optimistic that things would improve faster than this.

Talk to him. Tell him what you said here & go from there.

[Disclaimer: I know from MN that I have never had a really bad sleeper so what do I know?]

I'm not into sleep training tiny babies or anything but I would suggest for an 18month old, it would make such a difference to your life and your marriage to tackle this. Working full time with a non sleeper? Ouch. It's completely different asking someone else to take a non-sleeper for one night - they can sleep a blissful 10 hours the following night - please do consider this. TBH some non sleepers will sleep for someone else because there's no benefit to them in going to a non parent...

I'm afraid I can't help feeling for your dh in all this. I do think if you explicitly say to him, I would like things to be better between us and I'm going to tackle the sleep for your sake, you would find that step towards him might improve things? and if he then perks up a bit and is a bit more loving, you might find that you feel a bit more like being intimate - and the pressure might go off a bit and you'll be back to having more cuddles?

I have to say that I feel v sorry for your DH. He must feel v rejected and even paranoid when you bring your history of cheating into the mix. Poor man.

I think your DH needs to help with nights and the non sleeper, you have done what you needed to do to get a bit of sleep given that you work FT and so cannot be blamed for taking the route of least resistance. A frank discussion needs to take place between you so he can see what the effect of sleep deprivation is doing to you, maybe that will give him a bit of a shake up to take control at night ie. Wife sleeps = I get sex. X

Um, you work full-time, deal with a non-sleeping toddler (I've got one of those, no wise words but much sympathy) and DH is cross that you're not tidy enough and won't put out?

Meh, what do I know, these are all the reasons I'm single. But I wanted to voice an alternative to all those feeling sorry for DH.

I feel sorry for you. Please stop beating yourself up about something that happened 10 years ago.

I do think it sounds like you're massively prioritising your children over your husband. If you think the tiredness is the main issue then you need to deal with it. You say you've got a book, you don't say if you've read it, and it doesn't sound like you're trying anything. If you really want to fix this then fix it - you have the wherewithal to at least try! If you don't have a really good go at getting your toddler sleeping, and out of your bed, then you can't really complain about the other stuff.

Dh has this sussed - he once said sleep is the best aphrodisiac.

He won't even contemplate approaching me when I'm sleep deprived. He will, however, provide me with as many opportunities for lie-ins as he can physically manage.

And lo and behold, when I get some sleep I suddenly feel like sex again.

And my dc didn't start sleeping through until age 3 and even then not every night.

Still, as he says we're in this for the long term and the dc won't be little for ever. We have time.

I don't feel sorry for your Help either. Probably projecting somewhat here but a year ago, I was in your position; working FT, up with the non sleeping toddler at least once or twice a night, H was the SAHD although he didn't do any house stuff (so there is that major difference). He left me in January as 'I had changed so much in the last year' - yes, extreme sleep deprivation can do that to you!

My advice, for what it's worth, is talk to him, get it all out. If he is willing to do more at night, grab it! If someone has offered to take the non-sleeper, grab it! But most importantly, talk to each other or you'll both just continue to resent each other to the point it can't be salvaged. I wish you luck as it's not easy

Meant H of course, not help (god, that looks like I think of him as your servant.. so sorry!)

fush

Just wrote a big post and lost it on my phone, will reply properly when I've charged it.

Thanks all for replies.