I need help getting over this

[Alwaystheothers]

I have nc for this as I will be easily identifiable by those who know me or my family. I will also be changing a few details and leaving a lot out of the basic story.

Right, this will probably be long.

My mum died when I was 6 and I was sent to live with my dad. They had been divorced for two years after he had cheated on her. He was living with a different woman when I went to live with him.

His GF (soon wife) could not cope with having me around. I was a grieving child who she hardly knew and she had many issues of her own. My dad loved her and despite her increasingly cruel treatment of me they stayed together. They then had a baby together and my, by then, step mother became even colder to me. My dad rarely challenged her and bought me a puppy as consolation and company. Then when she didn't want the hassle my dog was given away.

My step mother was the main provider and she would not provide for me so my unemployed dad had to buy my clothes etc separate from the household budget. This included Christmas presents so my Dsis would get lots of gifts whilst I would get one. My step mother wouldn't talk to me and showed no love or compassion towards me. I was 10 by this point.

They eventually split up and my dad and I moved to a small flat. My dad had many relationships with various women, some moved in, some were casual I guess. In all these relationships he put my needs second to his. I essentially looked after myself a lot of the time.

Then, when I was 14, my dad became seriously unwell and could not look after me. So I looked after myself, rather badly, from then on. I went to school with a dirty uniform, had no money for food, was generally pretty neglected. My dad was in no state to notice what was happening and no one else seemed to care much either.

I moved out as soon as I could and began to build a life for myself as an adult. My dad got better and went on to have another serious relationship. They seemed to have a good life together and my dad sorted himself out.

Then he cheated on her. So that ended. He turned up on my doorstep and I looked after him for a month.

More 'serious' relationships followed where I would have to meet another woman and put effort into getting to know them etc before he would cheat again.

He then meets his now wife. She has three children and they all move in together. Off he goes to play happy families again. We now have a very tense relationship as I don't like his new wife and I'm not willing to put much effort into getting to know her. She has some severe emotional problems and I just can't deal with anymore crap.

I was looking on Facebook this evening and there is a picture of my dad, his wife and her kids with their new puppy. It has broken me.

I am a grown woman with a successful career, children of my own and a lovely partner but I see my dad give these children what he never gave me and it breaks my heart. He is my sole parent and he treats me like shit. I've tried to talk to him but he gets angry with me and won't listen. He is a narcissist and his new family are enabling his self image (at the moment). I know all this and yet it still hurts so much.

Fuck him for buying them a dog!

If you have got this far, thank you for reading. I don't really know what I want from this brain dump but it's got to be better than sitting in the dark sobbing my heart out.

Go No Contact. It's the only way. I am very sorry x

I am so shocked by your story and dont have any helpful advice to give. but like u say good to get it out in the open and say it all. also u said it yourself inspite of all you went through you have a great family life of your own now. so be very proud of yourself.

I'm not surprised you feel sad, you have experienced a childhood that no child ever should, and yet, you have made a success of your life. You have much to be proud of, trust me, some people have it very easy, have no such obstacles to overcome and never make a success of their relationships.

Be glad that you have your own family now and be glad you are not those children with the new puppy, because there is nothing to say that they won't be let down too.

Jesus. I have tears in my eyes for you OP. That is truly heartbreaking. :(

I too feel that going completely no contact is the only way. He will never change.

Have you thought about seeking some therapy to help you work through all of this? You have been through so much, its amazing that you have done so well, but some things just won't go away, no matter how good our lives are. Hopefully a counsellor could help you come to terms with it all.

As ever MistAll has it. Give up love, he's never going to put you first. Because he's a rubbish dad, and a crap parent/man.

The puppy's triggered you. That's natural. Feel the pain you weren't allowed to feel all those years ago, know that you can handle it and that you are not alone.

Keep posting. We're here.

He doesn't deserve you.

would be going no contact and blocking on fb

Aw Hun. I know how you feel. I have had a similar sort of upbringing and it has hurt me more now I am older than ever before. Just days ago, I have gone NC with my mother for saying to me that she felt sorry for my DD having me and my Dh as parents. They are selfish people who only care about themselves. My only advice is to go non contact and focus on your life not theirs. As much as it will always hurt you cannot change the past but make the very best of the future. Xxx

Thank you all for answering.

I have been in therapy before but I wasn't very good at it There are parts of me that I keep so tightly locked down that I can't help but feel if I talked about them I'd completely break down.

I'm also really scared of the repercussions of NC. What do you do about other family members? My grandma would be heartbroken and my Dsis needs my support too.

You shouldn't be the one responsible for holding this dysfunctional family together, love. It's too much.

You can keep contact with the ones you want to.

This is all about you, and your life love.

Not theirs. Your decision need not affect your GM or your sister.

You may not have been ready for therapy, maybe you're more ready now, maybe not quite. Keep opening up to us, and you'll soon be ready to trust a professional.

Whatever émotions you have are yours to have, and are justified. You may feel like you can't handle them, but you really can.

Have faith. You can do this. You can put yourself first. It's about time.

Just agreeing with everyone else.

You do know you are absolutely amazing?

It is perfectly understandable to be upset ((hugs))

Concentrate on you and your family and definitely no more FB and even NC if you feel you can.

Hi Always. You know that your father will never change. You've done your best to have a relationship but now it's time to move on, go non contact for the sake of your sanity.

When you have finished reading this, stop and look around you. You've done it. You've got it all. You are the winner. You have the lovely family, the nice home, the great partner, the fab career. You are giving your children the family that you did not have. You have done all of this despite your dad not because of him.

You've made it girl. Don't let him and your past drag you down. You're the winner.

Can you still see your grandma and sister without seeing your dad?

Bloody hell what an incredible person you are. Absolutely inspirational.
Your father has let you down too many times. You are worth more. I heard someone once say that when you're with your family you revert back to your inner child, so perhaps it's no wonder that hurt little girl on you feels this way.
Look after yourself and that inner little girl who you've locked down. Perhaps to help yourself heal you need to walk away for good xx

Thank you all for your kind words.

I feel much better in the light of day and able to put things in perspective. I would love to go NC but I can't see how it would be possible without creating a huge drama.

There are details I have left out so I'm less likely to be identified but my dad is rather well known and it would be noticed by a lot of people. I'm, understandably, much more shy and retiring in my private life.

I will continue to distance myself as I have been doing and hope that it goes unnoticed.

Distance yourself and your family as much as you can and don't play a part in his dramas and how he appears to the world, playing happy family's. Has your dh got a nice family? Spend more time with them.

Don't try to keep up the contact - it will exhaust you and you don't have to. You really don't. Can you talk to your dh? He must be worried about this burden you have.

The dog - my dm had her dog removed from her when she was 12 and put in a home as her adoptive dm died. Her adoptive family didn't want her and she had a very unhappy life really. She never got another as she said her heart never recovered. Do you have a dog now?

If you are not involved, there won't be any drama, not around you anyway! Let them create the drama.

You might be surprised. I stopped taking/returning calls to my dad over a year ago, and not one attempt has he made to push it. He only called on my birthday last year, but not this year, not even a text. I got a card. That was it. He signed it from him only this time though, not forcing the vile OW/DW of his on me as he has done for donkey's years despite her unveiled hatred of us.

Sometimes the fear of something is worse than the actual thing itself.

Agree with Hissy - you don't need to make a big deal of doing NC, just don't call him etc. if he calls you, be polite and civil, and keep the contact as short as possible. Don't get involved in any discussions about the family with him.

The picture you saw of the 'happy family' with a dog - it's temporary. You know that. He will abuse and break them like he has abused and broken everyone he has been in contact with so far throughout his entire life. They are no better off than you - and you have something that they don't have - you are away from him. You are strong and have come through it all despite his neglect and cruelty. You have learned hard lessons that nobody should have to learn, but you are on the other side of them and you survived, and are amazing.

I have massive admiration for you, and hope that at some point in your life you are able to cut off contact with these people - because they don't deserve you.

Oh, and get a puppy. Massively therapeutic and something to prove to yourself that YOU create your own happiness now. Plus he'll love you to bits and help you heal.

So sorry for your sad history and pathetic excuse for a father. All I can say is concentrate on yourself and your partner and children, keep contact with him and his family to a bare minimum. It could be that completely breaking down (with someone you trust in attendance) would be quite cathartic, but only you know when the time is right for this.

In the meantime, look at their FB picture for the last time, imagine what their scenario will be in a year's time, and imagine what your family's future holds. No prizes for guessing who'll be happier.

What Mist said right at the beginning. NC definitely. You hit the nail so right on the head when you called him a narcissist. I want to give you a hug ((((hug)))). You have good clarity about this, use it to move on and away from him and his.