making friends. Or rather, keeping them.
Ginormous post and this sounds trivial but it's really affecting me. I feel so very low about it. I keep trying to think what the heck is so very unappealing about me so that I can change it because it seems to be a universal opinion about me!
I've never been particular popular. That doesn't matter as I've always had at least one core friend and I've never felt it important to be popular.
Except I don't even have one core friend anymore. In fact, I've been dumped by someone who I thought was a really good friend - lots of laughs, fun nights out together etc. She has worked very hard to let me know indirectly that she is no longer interested in being friends. I feel deeply embarrassed and cringe that I didn't take the hints earlier. I must have looked like an idiot just engaging her in normal banter, inviting her and her dcs over for our usual play dates (that she was suddenly always too busy for), lending her my maternity clothes because she'd never been pg in the summer before and I had, etc.
Additionally, I am utterly invisible. For example, at my dcs' swimming lesson, I bumped into an old colleague. Granted we were never really friends at work but friendly enough.
After my initial hi, the subsequent weeks where we have both been at the pool, she has just looked right through me, ignored me and walked past me.
Today, after she blanked me again, I forced her to acknowledge my existence with a cheery, "Hi. How are you doing?" She responded with a bright smile and walked on past into the viewing gallery where we both sat for 30 minutes (with lots of other people) and no conversation between us at all. It was excruciating at one point because one of my dcs shared a bit of chocolate with one of hers and she had to acknowledge me and say thanks.
The same thing happens at school. Now I know the school run is a nightmare but I thought I had made some friends there. I'm a sahm so sometimes these interactions (or lack of) can really cut to the quick. I often stand alone despite smiling and greeting the other parents. They would just far rather talk to other parents. I can feel myself just shrinking from any contact.
I have another friend who I can feel is starting to chill on me. I feel like inviting her over, telling her how I feel and tell her it's fine if she buggers off and wants to cool our friendship but please please to tell me where I'm going wrong so that I can learn for future friendships.
My 3 sils are also very cold and distant to me but very friendly to each other. They have lots of exchanges on FB etc.
In short, I feel like I am really not likeable even repugnant or I am at first and I do something to offend / put people off.
I have 4 dcs and I don't want my deep unpopularity to affect their play date opportunities. They barely have any. In fact, the only playdates they seem to have are with the children of new parents at the school who seem friendly enough, they come over and then it's never reciprocated or they never come again. And they too seem to blank me.
Sigh. This has been going on for ages now and I just feel very sad and lonely. My marriage is fine. Dh is happy and content and popular, I might add.
Should I go to counselling because I'm getting really low and miserable about it?