Tips to become more tolerant of my mother

[eisbaer]

Just that, really. My mum irritates the living shit out of me. I can't articulate why, apart from really petty stuff(eating her breakfast while phoning for a chat, ignoring my requests at my house not to and carrying on doing my laundry etc). I know as a 37 yr old I should be able to overlook that and think on it all kindly, but every time she comes to stay I turn into Kevin The Teenager. So does anyone have any tips or recommended reading that could improve my behaviour towards her? I don't have the time or money for counselling or therapy. Ironically, she was much harder on my sister growing up, is more or less solely responsible for her ongoing eating disorder, and yet she seems to be over it and to be able to interact with her adult to adult. It makes me miserable and I cry every time we part because she is 72 and, well, who knows how long anyone has but obviously you want her twilight years to be happy and for her not to feel like a constant source of irritation to her daughter! I know she may always irritate me, but how can u handle it better? Anyone?

elskovs none of that is easy to realise or admit to and it takes a huge amount of honesty to manage it. Esp when you are in a society where everyone else supposedly has fab family relations. My mum is not too bad, but I hear you about the being related thing. And she always says "we're too alike" which makes me want to shout "no we're fucking not!!" But maybe we are, who knows, I don't want to ask DH or my sis for fear of the reply!

annhathaway if she's driving you nuts do you cut a phone convo short or similar, or can you bite your tongue?

Agree with Ann this is all so depressing. Am I right in thinking that the OP's mum does the laundry and drives for two hours to help with childcare, if she gets asked to do the latter then it is rather unfair to moan.

Some nasty comments here and some petty criticisms too. My Mum was difficult in many ways -she is dead now and so now all i have to worry about is how my children will judge me. Does this never cross your mind?

I tend to try to use humour...her favourite topic as a 'starter for ten' is The Weather. As in 'what's it doing there?' and I'll pretend I don't know what she means by 'it' or say to her 'ok get ready for the weather forecast- as per all conversations......'

sometimes though I get a bit snappy if she brings up something that's a sore point then she gets huffy.....

we're as bad as each other :)

I know that I will do the complete opposite of how my mother treats me. I hope they will never be able to say that I didn't love them, have time for them or be supportive to me.

It may be depressing, but it's actually happening in my life right now.

apples of course I think that, I've already said I'd hate to have a daughter who thought like that about me, but you can't change what you THINK, just how you behave! Which I want to change. it's involuntary and I've already said I know how ungrateful I sound. I wish I could control my reactions. Do you have constructive tips? Please feel free to add them, as I've previously said I know the situ is not right and I want to change my approach.

If you can control your actions with people outside your family when they annoy you- ie colleagues and pals- then you can do it with your own mum. Just get a grip :)

The money she leaves / you get back open a bottle of wine and wish you smoked. Always worked for me. If you do smoke, have lots.

Oh, and be alone for a bit, with a good book or funny show like abfab.
It will pass.

That's nice of you to say eisbaer.

Agree with you baby, it may be depressing to hear, but there are some mothers so genuinely horrid that they wont be missed when they die.

BTW - I am a wonderful mother I followed your plan of doing the exact opposite of what my mum did. I reckon people like us put in extra effort as we are so careful not to turn into our mothers!

Ann, I don't think controlling how you react to relative strangers or people on a professional level is ever the same as the way to react to people who know you, know which buttons to press, and helped to create the parts of yourself you actively dislike. Their power to get to you is infinitely stronger, and harder to switch off to.

And even friends you can walk away from without the guilt and self doubt and loathing you'd feel if you walked away from your own mother...which i feel is a huge societal no-no in general

Eisbaer I think I understand how you feel. IMO behaviour comes from thoughts and so a way forward is to try and think more positively about your Mum, not always easy I know especially when pregnant. Some people here seem to think their Mums have no good points, I would say that is true of only a very few people. Focussing on her good points and not dwelling too much on the bad will make your relationship so much more rewarding. From what you say she is showing you love even if in irritating ways, perhaps she doesn't know how else to do it, is there any guidance you could give her. Humour helps too if you can do it. I wish you well.

(When I say that I mean you'd be perceived s being cold and hard, I have absolutely NO personal issue with people who cut ties with relatives who are abusive etc)

Also Scientific would you say that family members would never speak to each other as they would a work colleague or acquaintance.

I know that's the case with my mother. Sometimes I can't believe the stuff she comes out with

A big plus from from this thread is that I'm gaining perspective on how low-level the irritation is, it's bugging but none of it is malicious or unhinged. So, I'm going to do the following: have a think of what really presses my buttons and try to understand why this is. If anything really unacceptable then approach it in an adult way with her. If subtle button-pressing, then I will try to get a grip and remember a) how much I really would miss her if she was not there to bug me and b) how she really does love us, and would never consciously be nasty or snide to me. Wish me luck, I will post back to say how it's going. We spk on the phone every day, so I'll soon know how it's going!

Thanks for that advice there scientific I actually feel quite adult in how I am thinking of my mum now. It's the most crucial and fraught r'ship out there, mother-daughter and I think we're far more touchy freely as a generation than the post-war generTion was, and that was not their fault. I could cry if I think of the loss my mum has had in her life, so am going to tune into that when she's doing my nut in about the weather, through a mouthful of porridge.

eisbaer I think our relationships with our mothers are at a different stage. You still have something which is salvageable whereas mine is beyond redemption.

Good luck anyway

Absolutely Baby...I'd agree there.

Actually Eisner its funny that you are going through this process today as dd and I were having a conversation about how much her brother does her head in and I was advising her to do exactly as you describe. And we were trying to Analyse the things that get on her nerves because of how SHE is feeling at the time v things that get on her nerves because they are truly irritating on his part. I should perhaps be doing the same in my relationship with my DM.

It's layers isn't it, things they do become irritating because you are already irritated by them.

baby I am sorry to say that I agree, never getting a hug or an I love you is unspeakably awful. I hope you are happy otherwise in spite of all that. Good thoughts.

Had to chuckle at her going on about the weather through a mouthful of porridge. I do think that generation were obsessed with the weather as it was a 'safe' topic in otherwise turbulent times. DH's grandmother does this, she's obsessed by meteorology!

Transactional analysis followed by assertiveness training, again Google. Keeps your calm.

Also have a range of topics you " want to discuss with her" aka distract her, and tasks you have decided she can do. You are then on control, not her. If they don't get done, don't worry. But eg mending or ironing, polishing the door knob, whatever.

Transactional analysis followed by assertiveness training, again Google. Keeps your calm.

Also have a range of topics you " want to discuss with her" aka distract her, and tasks you have decided she can do. You are then on control, not her. If they don't get done, don't worry. But eg mending or ironing, polishing the door knob, whatever.

Wow it's amazing to see how many others feel the way I do about my Mum.

Last night I had to use the - monopolise the conversation myself technique. She started with a couple of very pointed questions to do with why I had been too tired to talk the day before and why it had taken me so long to answer the phone last night.

I try always to think about how much I will miss her when she's gone, because I really will. I also think about my own daughters, I have 3, and how they might feel about me when they're older.

It is my life's work not to become my mother.

She would be devastated to know that.

eisbaer I love your positive attitude to dealing with this. You have inspired me to try harder. I am absolutely with you on the point about how much of the irritation stems from things that happened in the past. I am going to have a go at writing the most irritating things down too.

I definitely need a better way of dealing with my feelings because confronting her never really works , I said in my first post she has improved since the last time we had a very frank discussion but it hasn't changed our relationship in the way I would have liked.

Oh and someone earlier mentioned how nosey their mum is - yy to that, mine ALWAYS reads the valentines and anniversary cards from my DH to me if she happens to be here. Who would do that???!!! Well, her obviously but such an invasion of privacy, she has no clue about boundaries......oh I'm ranting again, must put 'adult' head back on.

Maybe it's just me, but I find it really odd that you are upset about your mum reading your cards from your DH etc.

Are the cards out on display?

Do you expect cards on display when you have family around not to be read? The whole point of displaying cards rather than hiding them in a drawer is to show them off.

Why is it so odd that your mum would look at the greeting in them?

Mine wouldn't think twice about picking up a card out on display, it wouldn't bother me a bit. If it was secret I'd hide it.