How do I come to terms with my emotionally cold parents?

[PollyPumpkins]

Hi Fellow Mums Netters

Apologies in advance - long post.

Some of you will notice this is my first post ... However I regularly peruse these forums and value the wide perspectives you all have on such a wide variety of topics about children & family life. I hope some of you can shine a different light on my current situation.

I now find myself in a very painful, difficult & guilt ridden situation with my parents and brother. I feel constant guilt & shame, which is paralysing and I have become depressed.

Long story short I was adopted when a toddler and my adoptive parents had a son a couple of years after. We had a low warmth/high criticism childhood that was on reflection totally dysfunctional and continues to be so. I can't remember any happy memories from my childhood - just conflict, blame, shame, violence & fear. I realise that sounds self pitying.

I have a wonderful and loving relationship with my hubby but sadly we were unable to have children. Hubby knows everything about my past and is a tremendous support to me.

As a child I was abused on every level (I have tried to get closure on this by discussing sensitively with parents for them to say 'they don't remember'). Nonetheless I have tried to foster a relationship with my parents and brother but it's always been me doing the giving and them doing the taking.

I have never had a warm loving relationship with my parents or brother but I continue to try - I know deep down they will never change. My mother does not allow anyone to visit her or dad when they are at home (hoarders and are not ready to accept support around this issue) so I have little face to face contact and might see them 2 or 3 times a year.

My brother has children and he lives with his youngest child and her mother. He is manipulative and controlling about my contact with my youngest niece. His middle child resides with her mother and I have a beautiful relationship with my middle niece and a positive relationship with her mother. This causes further friction between me and my brother as he has chosen to not sustain a relationship with his middle child.

Fast forward to now - dad is in hospital and I am struggling to visit regularly due to the feelings of past hurt that it stirs in me and the fact we really don't know each other. My mother expects me to take her regularly which is difficult for the reason above and work commitments; although currently I am signed off with stress & depression (this causes me further feelings of shame & guilt). Mum & dad asked about my work pattern for next week So I told them about being signed off for mental ill health they did not respond. Then they carried on talking between themselves.

I feel really stuck and dearly want to be the doting daughter and for them to be the warm, loving and accepting parents I have craved all my life. Although I know they never will be due to their own unmet needs.

How do I deal with the guilt and shame?

Thank you for reading.

Take care.

It's very difficult but I think what you have to try to do is separate 'duty' from 'emotion'. You can be 100% a dutiful daughter, do the right things and that will assuage any guilt you might feel. But, from what you describe, there never was and never will be any emotional connection from your parents. It's a sad fact but there you are. However, love and acceptance is something you have with your wonderful husband and I think you have to grab that with both hands and realise how lucky you are. Many people never experience it.

Hi OP - don't want to read and run, but it seems to me you are trying so, so hard to reconcile with your parents during this difficult time, yet you 'know' they won't be the warm and loving parents you crave. I think you are still vulnerable to their 'rejection' of you - and while you're trying to please them you risk your mental health further.

I would forget about doing the right thing for them. Do the right thing for you, which is to decide the level of contact you can deal with, and they will have to live with that.

God they sound awful. I would be much tougher on them. They sound like they have a right nerve - they expect you to drop everything to look after them when they failed to care for you as a child.

You were abused on every level - bad parenting doesn't get much worse than that. They chose to adopt you - that is a CHOICE and with it comes responsibility. They CHOSE to not meet even your basic needs for warmth, emotional support and so on.

Your mother should make her own arrangements to visit. She should not expect you to do that. Relationships are reciprocal things - if they are not going to behave towards you in at least a civil, respectful way, then they have no right to expect anything at all from you.

Yes, do the right thing for YOU. Put your needs well above those who failed to meet your needs. And cherish those people in your life who care about you.

Have you tried counselling?

Have you ever tried or been tempted to contact your biological parents (not suggesting this would be a good idea necessarily, just curious.)

I really do feel for you. My parents were quite emotionally cold, especially when I became a teenager and I can relate to the high criticism/low warmth. Again, this was due to their own unmet needs. However they were not abusive in other ways. It was a very traditional 'spare the rod, spoil the child' approach although at heart I do not think meant to be cruel or unkind.

One of my sisters was always the 'golden girl' and now her children are teenagers I found that she was repeating behaviours from the past - expecting her children to receive preferential treatment etc. She was behaving incredibly narcissistically, monopolizing my father.

I managed to persuade my partner to speak to him. It cannot have been an easy conversation. But my father listened and took on board what he was saying. I'm not suggesting that this would necessarily work in your situation. But having a third party speak out on my behalf was incredibly empowering. It also placed value on me in my father's eyes, as my partner was prepared to put his neck on the line on my behalf.

If I had tried to speak to my father, I know I would have ended up losing my temper and there would have been a childish spat.

I can sympathise entirely, I ended up being signed off for depression issues over parental/family dysfunctional problems at the beginning of the year. I ended up finally admitting I couldn't solve everything by myself and spoke to the doctor and ended up in counselling. My parents were also not interested in this when I told them and were focused on their issues, ignoring everything I was saying to them.

It has helped enormously to shift the guilt from wanting to be a good daughter to understanding how I think my parents should act and how/who they actually are will never merge and to accept that.

It has helped to change my thinking about everything and realise that just as they are never going to be who I want there is no guilt in not being the "perfect" daughter, in fact the low warmth/high criticism issue has caused me to be such a perfectionist that it has effected my self esteem/ self confidence and many more aspects of my life.

Admitting I needed help in dealing with my issues and accepting it was one of the hardest things I have done, and one of the bravest. It was also one of the best as it has helped me be ready to be a mum myself and vanquish my fears of being like my parents to my child. After 30 something years of issues I am slowly seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, gaining in confidence and am discovering myself as a separate person to my family.

Giant hugs OP

Poor you, fate really dealt you the short-straw.

How do I deal with the guilt and shame?

Simple, you are the one that should NOT be feeling any guilt and shame.

Your dysfunctional parents and brother should, but of course never will.

You seem to have got your awful childhood into perspective.

All you need to do now is work hard on dropping all feelings of guilt and shame.

Let them get on with it. You owe them nothing. No child owes their parent anything. But in your case your parents have damaged you and abused you and you would be better off keeping away from them and their toxic behaviour.

Have you thought about getting counseling to deal with the feelings of shame you have?

Hi Polly, you might find it useful to visit the 'Stately Homes' thread in Relationships, there are links to other resources and you will find plenty of us who have been through similar. It's a great place to talk things through and get support. I would also recommend the book 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward. It really helped me to recognise and accept what I'd been through, and face the FOG (feelings of guilt) and other difficulties caused by toxic parents.

Counselling for yourself would be a good idea; counsellors though are like shoes, you need to find someone that fits. The damaging legacies of FOG - fear, obligation and guilt often remain with people who were and remain a victim of such toxic people and you have FOG in spades.

BACP may be worth contacting re counselling.

Would certainly recommend the resources that TheDrugsDontWork has written about.

Another site I would recommend you look at is this one www.lightshouse.org/#axzz2lOPYVwM8 as it could well help you also.

It is not your fault your parents are this way, you did not make them like this. You do not have to seek their approval any more, not that they'd ever give that to you in any case. They are not worth it and they are not bothered at all about you.

Oops sorry Attila is of course correct re. FOG, I was thinking mainly of the guilt but the fear and obligation are closely linked.

My stress and depresaion didn't get better until I moved away from my parents and accepted that while I can have a civil friendly relationship with them I can never rely on them for support. I just live my own life, see them when I feel like it and tell them only the blandest details of my life.
It is sad and disappointing but in many ways I feel amazingly liberated.

Thank you so much for your replies - they are very helpful. You are an awesome group of ladies !

CES - I know you are right and I am truly blessed to have such a supportive hubby.

PTS - I know you are right - I'm just finding it difficult to readjust my boundaries.

BB9 - I am waiting for counselling at the moment. I hope to be able to come to terms with the past and move on. I can identify with what you wrote. My brother could never do any wrong and I could never do anything right. I am the stereotypical scapegoat/black sheep of the family.

NN - I totally identify with your experience. I too am a perfectionist and feel that I somehow sabotage my friendships and relationships. I want to change, heal and move on to be able to form healthier relationships.

KCC&C & L&M - thank you for your positive comments - I am awaiting counselling at the moment.

Thank you again.

I completely agree that it is very important to find the right counselor for you. The first one I saw was rubbish (for me at least). In the end I found someone who helped me so much it changed my life.

Hi TDDW - thank you for the book suggestion and I will go and peruse the Stately Home thread. It's comforting to know I am not alone in this all consuming grief.

ATM - I totally agree i have FOG in spades - I am ready to embrace counselling and I am understanding that once it commences I could feel worse before I feel better.

CA - I feel I am ready to stop trying to fix my parents/family and my relationship with them. I will maintain some contact as I still love them all dearly but I realise I don't like them - there, I've said it. They probably don't like me either, they certainly don't act like they do.

You ladies are inspiring and I appreciate the time you have all taken to read and respond to my post. I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a different tunnel to the one I have been stuck in. Thank you.

Think everything has pretty much been said above, but i didn't want to read and run. I too had an abusive childhood, tho mostly on an emotional level. I have struggled for most of my life with the effects this has had on my happiness/ self esteem. I have had depression and anxiety, but found counselling especially CBT helped. Your doctor can refer you for CBT - I'd strongly recommend it. Everyone's different, but i found the only way i truly moved forward was by cutting contact completely. It's been 6 months now and i feel much better most of the time, although father's day, mums birthday and the thought of christmas has been tricky. But the main thing is to put yourself first - i know how hard that is, but you do not owe them anything. They chose you, you didn't have any say in it - it is them that had the obligation and sadly they failed. Best of luck and keep posting on here whenever you need to. There are some lovely kind posters, who really helped me through whenever i needed them, The Drugs, Meercat, Cognito and Hissy (thanks guys!), are some of those that have helped me time and time again, although there are many other lovely posters who will offer you support too.

Thank you for your reply MMM78. To be honest I did cut all contact when I was 16. I left home when I was unable to take the abuse anymore. I moved into a rented room above a shop and I remember crying myself to sleep each night thinking they would realise how they had damaged me and would come and take me back home. They never did.

I worked locally and they could easily locate me - they never made any contact. I contacted them after several years. They felt like strangers then and they still do. Why could I walk away at 16 but struggle now. Naivety was bliss to be honest.

Guilt is like being angry at yourself. There is perhaps rather a lot to be angry about what happened to you in your childhood, but none of it was your fault, you couldn't stop it, or make the adults around you behave any better. But when we are children, so dependent on the adults around us, we assume that they are right and so when something is wrong, we can think there is something wrong with us - and that's where the guilt and shame is from.

I think these feelings could lessen over time, if you begin to talk to a counsellor/therapist about what happened, and see it through your eyes as an adult. If you can give yourself permission to feel angry at the people who treated you badly, then maybe you'll direct less anger towards yourself.

I'm so sorry that you can't have children, I waited 6 years for DS and feel extremely lucky to have him. One of the side effects of having my DS is realising what it is like to be the parent and realising how absolutely out of line my F was for treating me the way he did.

Hopefully your relationship with your niece can be healing in the same way - showing her the unconditional love and respect that (the child) you didn't recieve.

Did you ever try to find your birth parents?

Give up on expecting your parents or brother to be warm. They won't change.

Either cut contact or have limited unemotional contact to just 'do your duty'.

There is no need for guilt or shame. There IS a need to get on with living your life, though.

Hi LB

I agree totally with what you say - it's difficult to change the thought processors of the past 4 decades . Counselling will help I'm sure as well as using the principles of CBT To challenge the negative mental chatter that continually runs through my head.

Take care

Hi Mimi

Having contact with birth parents isn't an avenue that's open to me as they are deceased.

Take care

I was adopted at 18 months into what was a very abusive environment. How or why they managed to adopt I will never know.
I think you have suffered a double rejection in a way. I feel that I 'lost' my birth parents and also went on to not have a loving adoptive family.
I hung about for years, having endured abuse from all family members, my brother included. Eventually enough was enough. I stopped excusing their behaviour because of their childhoods and reported my brother's exual abuse to the police. I also stopped contact with them. It was the hardest thing I ever did but in time I realised the best thing.
I think I was desperate to be loved and needed and accepted. Nothing I ever did was good enough and even though I was actually a very clever girl in a family of thickies, I took their putdowns and crap for years.
I realise your situation is complicated by parental illness, but you actually owe them NOTHING. NOTHING. This doesn't make you bad. You do not have to take your mother anywhere. You do not have to take her shit. You can choose.
You sound like a lovely person with a lot to give and you have been dealt an incredibly cruel hand in life, but you can be happy. They are unlikely to change and accept you as you are, but there are other places to direct your emotions and energies and love.
How sad that they never saw how wonderful you are. Other people will.
Please look after yourself. You are worth so much more than you think.

You write such kind words Princess - thank you. You yourself have had a very difficult time and you have been so very brave in your life; I salute your courage.

I need to start to be 'me' and not be what others want or expect me to be. I know I have a kind and generous nature but if I'm not careful my true essence will become buried under hurt, pain, shame & guilt - thus creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

It remains a daily battle where my compassionate side wants to be all things to those in need - but then my brain and hubby tells me to stop allowing people to use & abuse me.

Take care and thanks again.