need advice

[Valiant1]

so dh and I are in rocky patch. I asked him to leave a few weeks ago but if is back. I just keep thinking I wish he would leave! I love him and we are good together alone, but then when the kids are around (we have five) if turns into Sargent major ocd everything has to an tidy person! I know if anything help that part but Ds 1 isn't his and is a very stroppy 11yr old with hormones my husband has brought him up as his own since he was two and ds knows, but is happy to call him dad and has nothing to do with the sperm donor. He was not a very nice person at all any way Ds always seems to be at the brunt of it, I can't take any more. the more I think the more I talk my self round that he is not a bad dad and never hurts them physically he just shouts. then I talk to him he says he loves them all the same. I work and worry I couldn't afford to be alone as the government is very helpful if you work oh god I so confused I keep thinking get to the other side of Christmas and sort it then but I going crazy thinking I wish he would just leave.

OMG in nuts

and can't spell

It's always worrying when someone equates 'not a bad Dad' with 'doesn't hurt them physically'. No-one should hurt kids, physically or otherwise, and the kind of 'OCD' shouting behaviour you seem to be describing is a really horrible bullying atmosphere. Saying he loves them doesn't change that. Is your 11yo really stroppy with hormones or are they just responding in kind?

What say do you have in the way your children are organised and disciplined? Are you 'too soft' in his eyes? Do you get the same verbally abusive treatment?

There are ways to end it safely. Talking to a solicitor or CAB may give you a better idea of your rights in the event of a divorce. Womens Aid is good for abusive situations and general advice. Do you have friends or family that you could turn to for support?

if I tell him he been to hard shouting he goes stroppy then when I shout at them for something he has a go at me. I know what you mean about the shouting shouldn't happen at all. and no my family is awful to me and his is just his mum and dad. In a real mess I think he knows it's over. And is been super nice now that's what drags me in and six months in I will be back here moaning! ds is hormonal is moody constantly since he started high school.

If you definitely want it to be over and you don't want to be back in six months then you have to have an objective in your mind and start making some fairly concrete plans for the next phase of your life. Legal and other practical advice, for example. If you're just trying to shock him into being nice to you OTOH, be honest with yourself

got some marriage guidance leaflets showed them him tonight he just put in down and walked off I'm all out of ideas. better get planning