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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hi I'm new - think marriage falling apart

15 replies

TillyJane · 21/11/2013 22:37

Hi everyone - firstly hello! I'm Tilly and mum to an 18 month old son. I'm sorry to vent but I really need to talk and not sure who else to speak to as this is so personal.

Relations between hubby and I not been great since really falling pregnant and by "relations" I mean sexually and also I'm just not getting the feeling that he really loves me or respects me.

Last night I initiated sex and was rejected. Tonight we argued and my husband said that I should go to India and get dysentry in order to fit into pre-wedding clothes.

I feel so hurt, upset, and like this is last straw.

Clearly my husband doesn't fancy me in the slightest and thinks I'm fat.

Feeling quite low.

Is it normal that relationships post baby take this turn? X

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/11/2013 22:40

No, it's not.

Shakey1500 · 21/11/2013 22:40

No, it's really not.

What he said was disgusting. Does he normally make such comments?

How long have you been together?

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 21/11/2013 22:46

No, he sounds like a horror of a human being

My xh said my body was 'destroyed' after having children. It honestly says more about them than us, that they make shitty comments.

Original poster
TillyJane · 21/11/2013 22:51

Been together about 7 years. He said it was a joke and when I got upset said he was sorry but it wasn't genuine and there was no remorse. Don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
TillyJane · 21/11/2013 22:54

Thank btw for supportive comments. I just need to get my head together

OP posts:
Poogate · 21/11/2013 23:21

Hi Tilly

I don't have anything useful to say except your husband is an arse, and not a v imaginative arse at that, "go to India to get dysentery"; who says things like that, idiot. But... you have come to the right place to get good advice and support.

Good luck x

Pistillate · 21/11/2013 23:25

Yes. Relationships can get more challenging after a baby. Sometimes we think a baby will make us even closer. And it often doesn't.

However if you have had 18+ months of distance, you need to find a way to bridge the gap or it will become irretrievable.

Good luck.

AnandaTimeIn · 21/11/2013 23:26

He sounds nasty.

Stop doing his laundry (I presume you do it) and when he asks why tell him you're sorry, it's a joke and there's no remorse.....

TwoStepsBeyond · 21/11/2013 23:36

Abusive twats often make 'jokes' that are insulting and demeaning and then fail to apologise, accuse you of sense of humour failure or just plain deny they ever said it.

If he honestly doesn't care enough to properly apologise for upsetting you with his tasteless and cruel joke tell him to fuck off.

You don't need that shit. Nobody has to put up with feeling crap about themselves because of someone else's comments, especially when that is the person who is supposed to support and love us. We're all more than capable of being critical of ourselves!

TwoStepsBeyond · 21/11/2013 23:38

Btw I never fitted into my pre-baby clothes for the 12 years he was here. Once he left I lost the weight and gained a lovely man, who loves me stretch-marks and all.

tanya1000 · 19/12/2013 23:16

TillyJane, I hope you are ok. I don't know if you are still logging on. What your husband has said is a classic technique of abuse. Insulting someone, then accusing them of a sense of humour failure, is straight out of the textbook. You said that this is the last straw, I am guessing - concerned - that you have a million other instances when you have felt demeaned, worthless, not valued, and not loved. Are there other things that he does, for instance, ignoring you, controlling money, do you feel that you are under pressure to keep the house tidy/spotless for him - do you rush around before he comes home, do you worry about his responses to you if you disagree with him, how much do you feel you compromise & adjust your behaviour in order to keep the peace, so as not to aggravate him, does he complain that you always put him at the bottom of the list? It's really easy to look at each individual instance and say it isn't serious, but add it all together and it is. I have walked in your shoes and I know absolutely how you feel, ashamed, embarrassed, disbelief, all our hopes for a happy marriage falling apart, we hope that they will change, hope that they will just STOP this behaviour. We also go through grief, at the loss of everything that was. Its a big bucket of emotions and its very very hard at times. But there is hope. Yes, there's a long shot that he will do something about it, and that will take a lot of hard work on his part for some time to come. The other choice is to leave. Neither is a piece of cake, but you found the courage to say something here, so give yourself a big hug for doing that. I will watch this thread to see if you are still here. I am more than happy to share my experience with you, and offer all the advice and support I can. Xxx

Jan45 · 20/12/2013 12:35

What a vile man, he sounds full of anger and resentment, are you 100% sure he's not having relations with anyone else?

flatbellyfella · 20/12/2013 19:15

Welcome to MN Tilly, Thanks What a pig you have been unfortunate to have as a roll model to your child. You will get great support & advice here.

Vivacia · 20/12/2013 19:33

Why have you resurrected this thread tanya? Just wondering!

tanya1000 · 20/12/2013 22:03

In case the OP was going through a tough time still Vivacia. It's concerning when something like that is left hanging. She may have got help offline, I hope so. :)

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