Can you make yourself fancy someone again once the spark's gone?

[woundupbird]

Namechanged for this because I'm a coward and I'm going to have to admit to a horrible aspect of my personality. I've been in 3 LTRs in my life before I met DH, and each time, after two or three years, I just lost interest in having sex with my partner. There would be a year or so of tension and very little sex, and then I left them, no matter how great everything else was. It's not that I lost interest in sex altogether, but just with that partner.

I'm now married with a DC - I've been with DH for nearly 4 years. I probably shouldn't have got married so soon, given my past, and of course I'm now back in the situation of just not being interested in having sex with him. But I don't want to leave this time. He's wonderful in every other way, he's incredibly patient with me, and he's not changed his appearance (no bad personal hygiene, no weight gain, nothing like that).

I used to fancy him lots, and our sex life was great before DD was born. I'm currently a reluctant SAHM (we moved for his job and there are no jobs for what I do here that pay enough to cover DD's childcare) and I'm still breastfeeding, so I feel frumpy and resentful and often pretty distant from him, but I just can't imagine suddenly fancying him again even if I got the job of my dreams. The only way I can get turned on enough for sex is by pretending it's somebody else, usually someone I had a FWB situation with a few years ago. Is that what I need to do for the next X years, or is there a way of making myself fancy DH again?

Being a reluctant SAHM won't be helping the situation. I know, I've been in that position. It can make you feel resentful, particularly if you've made changes to your life to support your DH. That could be why you haven't entirely lost interest in sex, just sex with him. Does that ring any bells? I could be wrong, am speaking from personal experience.

Is he a hands-on father? Do you feel like you get enough leisure time? Because if not, it's very easy to slip into the frumpy mum role, which doesn't help.

Communicate. Tell him how you feel (though maybe leave out the FWB). If you don't feel like you can just blurt it out, maybe try couples counselling? A more structured space to talk might make it easier.

I'm afraid that's the best advice I can give, I don't have any definitive answers. Hope it helps.

He's very much a hands-on father - I couldn't ask for anything more from him in that regard. Really, he's thoughtful and considerate, and he's even said he'll look for jobs back where we lived before, but that could take a long time to sort out. I know I'm being unfair in resenting him, but I feel trapped and fed up, and like there's no point in making the effort to be anything other than the frumpy mum because there's nowhere to go here other than the supermarket.

We are pretty good at communicating - he knows how I feel, but I don't want to stress him out too much by whining all the time. I'm just feeling really homesick, too (we moved abroad - sorry to dripfeed) and just want to lose myself in British books and websites and pretend I'm not here and when he starts coming on to me, I almost resent that because it's dragging me into the present and stopping me from disappearing into my little mental bubble. Does that make sense? Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant/whinge...

Maybe all those frustrations in life - homesickness, feeling frumpy, young child, not working (feeling like losing independence?) - are spilling over into the sex. And because of your history you're almost second guessing that the same pattern is repeating. Not sure how long you've been abroad but IMO homesickness can suck the soul out of any relationship - with DH's and even with kids. And young kids are also a passion killer for many. So its not surprising you feel like this, but doesn't have to mean its over.

I would say worry less about fancying him, and worry more about feeling good about your self.

What can you change? Do you want to give up breastfeeding (there is no right or wrong answer here), do you want to do "something" either volunteer or work elsewhere to get you out of the house - it maybe just breaking even on child care has to be a solution if its better all round emotionally for the family? Do you need to spend time on yourself - exercise, new wardrobe, haircut (may sound shallow to some people but it can make a huge difference for others)? Maybe even counseling just for yourself - if you think it would help?

Be kind to yourself and your family - by the sounds of it a lot has changed in a short time and that's always tough.

Was it the same FWB you used to think about whilst with other LTR?
If it's the same then how sis it end.

Has you DH gone a bit predictable?

Don't make any rash decisions. Lots of stuff has changed and as other posters have observed, many different factors could be causing problems in your sex life. BFing in particular can do funny things, your hormones will still be up and down, you can feel a bit 'touched out' (or at least I sometimes did whilst BFing my DSs. Just one of the things you mention can be enough to cause a decline in your sex life, never mind all the things you've listed!

I'm sorry but I think you're not being at all fair on your DH. It's clear that you have a history of confusing 'lust' for 'love' and, once the lust wears off, you find there's nothing solid backing it up. You regret marrying, you regret moving to another country. You seem to just coast through life, going with what feels good at the time and giving very big decisions no serious thought. But that's your problem, not his, and it's exceptionally cruel to keep stringing this wonderful patient man along when there are no feelings.

If he knows how you feel it must be killing him living with this cold, resentful person. Nothing worse than knowing you're not loved but merely tolerated. Very cruel

No, it wasn't the same FWB - I didn't meet him until after the last LTR before DH.

The thing is that I don't feel there's much I can change. I know that sounds really pathetic and like giving up, but I don't have much in the way of skills to offer (we're in a college town and there are lots of students and recent graduates who can do what I do for less money and without having to worry about childcare), we're pretty skint, and the only thing I really want to do is to move back to the UK. I don't really mind BFing (and it's certainly convenient!) I just feel really meh, and I guess I'm looking for reassurance that if and when things pick up, I might start fancying DH again.

Something was different enough about your dh for you to marry him. You said you don't want to leave him. Ime there are peeks and troughs with marriage. Tgere is so much other stuff going on tgat I don't think it can be separated.

I often think marriage is a series of cycles - you really love them (& fancy them) & it moves down a curve until you get to the point where you know vaguely in the back of your mind that you love them but feel a bit meh about them & then it starts to get better. People often give up at the low point & in my experience it does get better. There is also something special about being with someone that you have so much shared history with...

I'm not promising it will get better & could you just be ina ddip?

It probably is a dip, and it's not like I can't bear to have DH touch me! And I definitely don't want to leave him. I've just always given up at this point before, without waiting to see if it might have got better, and I've no idea what sticking it out might be like - I'm terrified of being stuck in a long-term lust-less relationship.

When I've been at this stage in the past, I also wind up thinking about how my partner would be better off with someone who really likes them, and who they really click with, and I keep thinking that about DH at the moment - that he's so much smarter than me and I'm such a mardy git at the moment that he'd be better off finding someone better suited to him. (Gawd, I'm sorry, I sound so self-pitying! )

It's not self-pity, it's hormones and frustration and confusion and a little bit of fear. And it's completely normal.

Do the things that make you happy, it will help. And explain to your DH that if you're reading, you don't want to be disturbed. I lose myself in fantasy novels, it helps me escape from the monotony of life with a toddler.

Keep in touch with friends from home too, even if it's just by email/Facebook. It will help you feel like you're still you.

Oh so dumping them was for their benefit!

Did you lust for him originally? If you did, you can refind the desire you felt for him. What were the things that attracted you to him?

However, if it was a tepid thing from the start, I would say your relationship is doomed.

You are where the party is & you make your own fun. Your life won't improve if you don't change it yourself. It sounds like you're waiting for something external to happen, and in the mean time blaming your husband.

If there are no jobs in your line of work, then retrain, or find something internet-based that you can do from anywhere. I don't believe that you can't find something useful to do, even if it's voluntary work. The BF phase won't last for ever & once your child starts play group you'll have more free time. If you feel frumpy in the role of BF SAHM then get fit & active.

It sounds like the dearth of attraction to your husband comes more from apathy at the moment than anything else, and that can change...

I think you have been quite honest with yourself and us in your op. it is not easy to admit to yourself that you go off people serially like that!

Continue being honest with yourself, and the way will become clear.