Booked my first relate counselling.

[Upcycled]

Hi, I name changed for this thread.

Just booked my very first relate session and I am afraid 1 hour will not be enough.
Hope H manages to take the time off otherwise I will have to go all by myself. Or re-schedule.

H is not the abusive type so I really hope this helps, if not the relationship, to make break up easier.
We just can not communicate properly, I say A and he understands B.
We always follow the same patterns of behaviour and he still doesn't understand why I became such a distant, cold wife, he doesn't take responsibility for his actions and he is very slow to change.

I really don't think he is a bad man and I believe he loves me and Dd (6) and wants us to be a happy family, but he has so many issues with himself, alcohol and etc...I also wonder if he has a learning disability (on the top of dyslexia) or if his IQ is just low no offence intended and sorry if I am being ignorant making it difficult for him to understand some really basic stuff.

Before people asking why I married him if I have such a low opinion of him: I had bad examples of relationship left and right around me when growing up. I had really bad relationships myself in the past.
I was in a relationship with H for only 8 months when I fell pregnant and being from another country with no right to stay once visa expired we had no choice but to get married and try and create a family. If I moved back to my country when pregnant, Dd would never have a real relationship with her father. Also, H has many qualities and I could see us as a family, but for many reasons, things didn't work out perfectly as expected.

Do you think Relate will help in our case?

Relate is there to help you understand what you need from a relationship, and to work out whether those needs can be met in your current relationship.

So it is always a "help", even if that help is to understand that your needs cannot be met in your current relationship.

Ok.
So how does it start? How the counselling goes?
The councillor asks us questions or just tell us to talk?
Will he make H understand what I am trying to say?
H always takes things too personal and I suspect he mirrors his school bullies and parents on me, and he thinks I want nothing else but attack him and hurt him, and by thinking and feeling like this, he almost always misses the point and fails to reflect on his own actions and behaviour.

So how does it start?

Usually with presentations, of what you are each here for (including the therapist, who can outline what his/her role will be)

he councillor asks us questions or just tell us to talk?

The therapist will guide the discussion. With questions, yes.

Will he make H understand what I am trying to say?

No. Noone can do that but your H. The therapist is not an arbiter or judge. But what couples counselling does is create a safe, de-emotionalised environment, where each of you can express your feelings and needs. The therapist will ask pertinent questions, and help to cut through to the essentials, and help you both focus on those.

The therapist is NOT there to take sides, or to declare that one person's behaviour is wrong or bad.

H's needs of sex and intimacy are not fulfilled at the moment but seems not to understand how we got to this point.

Also he seems to think I should have a switch on/off button, but in reality, for him to make me even think about getting close to him again will be a long road. I don't even know if I can do that.

We talk and talk and talk about this,we go in circles.
He does not get it.
He does not believe his actions can affect me so deeply and I can't change towards him just because he needs or wants me too.

Ops sorry, the therapist...
You can tell English isn't my language.

Anyway I don't want the therapist to take sides, or my side.
I wish he will make it easier for communication and I guess that is what he will do.

Thanks, got to go now.
Will check in later, I will need this thread to keep me sane.

Councillor is just as good a term as therapist, your English is fine!

I forgot to say: well done on booking the sessions, it's a constructive step to take. Don't hesitate to go on your own if your H won't go: you can still examine your individual needs within a relationship in a solo session.

And good luck.

Thanks, I will need luck.
I still can't believe I have finally Bhutto booked it, I tried to talk H into it many times before but he has always been reluctant and thinks that using counselling is a massive over reaction.
Now I just went and booked the next time available and informed him.

I really don't want to go on my own. I think I know what I want, what I don't want, and how I need to change. Also if we decide that it is best to end the relationship I guess I will be just fine.
H in other hand seems very confused, and doesn't seem to link actions and consequences. He also can now realise that divorce could be beneficial but have a hard time just thinking about it. He will suffer tremendously and he has a deep issue with rejection.

It doesn't help I'm 4 years older and have had many relationships before H including a failed marriage whereas this is H's first real relationship, he was even a virgin. And this makes him super attached and afraid of the break up.

I'm now 36, he is 32.
We were 29 and 25 when met.

Oh and the counselling is expensive for us and I need to ask MIL or my sister to babysit and sleep over since they live far and don't drive. The session is on a weekday evening.

So H needs to go because we won't have so many opportunities and it will be very difficult for me to carry on if we don't get help.
We tried to sort the relationship without help from professionals and isn't working.

So the session is tonight. H is not happy because my sister is coming to babysit and he didn't want people from the family knowing. We had a light argument and he nearly gave up going. He thinks it is pointless and a waste of money. The thing is: the relationship had improved heaps since when I booked the counselling that I wondered if I should have cancelled and saved the money. But today I can see that going ahead is what we need to do. He just can't understand how his behaviour affects me and makes me behave the way he doesn't want me to. Anyway, I am not sure how the therapist can help since I will basically repeat myself yet again.

Best of luck. Deep breaths.

So we went there and it was fine.

You could see that H was not totally happy being there and he was being a bit confrontational with the therapist. He even lied to the therapist saying that he gets 100% satisfaction from work when in truth he has many problems at work and hates it at times. I didn't call him on it and I am not sure if the therapist believed he was being sincere...

I do think he kind of took my side TBH. Or maybe just because H's drinking and his behaviour while drinking is part of the problem, he just wanted H to acknowledge this and think about this so I felt like he was taking my side.

Anyway, he suggested a 6 weeks counselling program, and I don't know if we can make it for financial reasons and practical reasons to do with work and babysitting.

H is not impressed anyway. Couldn't get him to say what he thinks about the session.

The process of articulating your emotions to a previously unknown third party helps enormously, stick with it. If your husband refuses to engage In the process that's his problem and speaks volumes in itself.

So he lied to the therapist and was confrontational. What does it say about H?
Have in mind that he is a very difficult person to talk to and even his family acknowledge this.
Also he absolutely hates involving other people and even family members in our personal lives.

He is from Scotland and here in England he has no friends at all only work mates. Other lie that he said is that he has friends in Scotland when in truth he is talking about very old friendships, people that he hasn't had any sort of contact for over 10 years but he calls them friends because they were friends in the past. These people could be dead and he wouldn't know any difference.

Other question is: are therapists able to pick up when someone is lying?

Therapy will achieve nothing if the people engaging in it are dishonest, half-hearted, confrontational. don't accept they are at fault or are there simply to pay lip-service and 'get it over with so she shuts up'.... Therapists are not lawyers and sessions are not courtrooms. If he's lying, he's not participating.

I think you're making a lot of excuses for what sounds like fairly straightforward bullying behaviour. People who choose 'not to understand' usually understand perfectly well but have no intention of doing anything about it. A bad childhood doesn't automatically mean a bad adult.... everyone has choices. Alcohol abuse is another personal choice.

If he thinks this is pointless then save your money, save your breath and see a solicitor.

So I guess H was actually right.

A waste of time and money.

I needed to try anyway.

The answer was right there in only one session: He used that precious time to be dishonest, half-hearted, confrontational.

Also a bit odd that the relationship improved whilst you waited . Why was that? If it was because he became easier, that wouldn't be good, as it would suggest that he knows what he is doing and doesn't want the counsellor to see him in a bad light.

You should keep going if he won't. I think it is quite ok to say at counselling if you don't think he is being honest.

I think the relationship improved because he knew I am really being serious when I say I am trying to save the relationship.

He does take the blame and see what he does wrong. But I guess he doesn't see it as a big deal as I don't see his needs of sex and togetherness as a big deal for me.

He agreed with counselling and was happy to go there until he realised on Sunday that my sister was coming to babysit. He told me straight away he wasn't happy and behaved normally until yesterday when he was 'hurt' and upset that I involved someone from the family even though I tried to reassure him my sister won't judge or gossip. My sister is going through separation herself now and studying psychology, she won't judge at all. But he does not get that.
He was also concerned that the therapist at Relate would judge him. He has always being concerned what people thinks about him and stuff and I guess that is why he lied to the therapist.

e.g. when he feel judged:

Therapist: what activities do you do? do you have any hobbies?
H: no, just work (long hours), pub after work, home.
Therapist: don't you think you need to get some source of satisfaction that doesn't involve working or drinking like you had before you came to London (sports etc)
H: No work gives me all the fulfilment I need.

Therapist: do you do any other activities with your friends that does not involve going to the pub?
H: I don't have any friends
Therapist: did you have friends before you dame down to London
H: Oh yes, I have friends in Scotland but not here....(he have friends that now will acquaintances or drinking buddies if he ever meet them again)

Anyway, when the same questions were directed at me I gave very different answers because I have lots of friends, I have hobbies, I have a good working/home balance and I am studying. So I guess H manipulated his answers not to be seen as being so miserable.

I am not sure he realised he was lying or did it on purpose to sabotage the session and I don't think he is a bully (sorry cogito I really appreciate your input in this thread and others)

I think he has a lot of issues with self esteem and many others and I realy think he would benefit with counselling for just himself.

But he hates talking and specially to strangers.

Earleier, you said your H doesn't seem to link actions and consequences but reading your account of the counselling session, I agree with what you said later, H manipulated his answers not to be seen as being so miserable.

He was apprehensive beforehand because he didn't want to look like the bad guy. The counsellor would have been careful not to frighten him off by challenging or dissecting what was said at the first meeting. Your H may not admit to you it wasn't as bad as he feared but he didn't walk out, even if he wasn't 100% truthful he at least participated.

Well done not being put off by his foot dragging beforehand.

I hear what you are saying Cogito but if Upcycled got the nerve up to arrange this and go, might she not gain somehow from going herself even if he is only there in body not engaging with the process? If only to establish this marriage is defunct? She herself has said, she hopes it helps, if not the relationship, to make break up easier.

I think he feared the therapist would help me put all the blame on him.
But during the session I also had the opportunity to talk about all the improvements from H and how I feel when he reverts back. He was really pleased I have said that in from of the therapist even though I have said to him only in private.

Also as I said to the therapist everything that I think I do wrong and how I do not meet H's needs and what do I need to do to change, I think H now will be more confident in talking to me about our problems.

He thought it was a plan to put him down with the help of my sister and a therapist but now he might be feeling different.

If anything, he is thinking more about everything just like me.

We still need to have a conversation about the session anyway.

Oh and I think he does link actions and consequences to some extent but don't care as much as I would like. Just like I do too.

Well it's a start, not saying he will miraculously improve overnight but at least you might not feel you're going round in circles covering the same old ground.