Should I leave or can I ask him to leave?

[Millie04]

I am trying to forward plan for the day that I summon the strength to finally end my ten year relationship with my EA partner. We have two DC so I am taking things slowly, but I can't see a future for us any more. I would love to stay in our house, to give the children some continuity and security through a difficult time. I might be able to afford it with some family help, but should I just be making a clean break? The house is full of his furniture and I know he won't be able to afford to rent a big house to take it all with him. I'm not even sure I'd be able to get him to leave anyway. Just wondered if anyone who's gone through a separation could advise on the pros and cons of starting totally fresh or fighting to stay in your family home? I don't expect him to be reasonable about it, he's already said he will make things as difficult as he can for me.

It will depend on whether you can afford to stay there or not.
You can go the legal way to have the right to live there with the children and have him removed, but people move houses all the time, so continuity in that respect is not that important for the children.
You will have to consider that moving just for the sake of moving is expensive, with taxes, and commissions and solicitor fees, etc. So, going the legal way to keep the house may be cheaper in the long run.

If you stay in the house with the children, you can negotiate to keep some of the furniture, at least until they grow up.

Because he is EA, he is likely to resist moving out and may make things difficult for you, so I'd get legal advice first so that when you approach him, you are in full possession of the legal facts.

I have stayed and many do, there is legal provision for you either to buy him out or for the house to be sold when your youngest child reaches the end of formal education.

Pros are mostly practical for you (less to do) and emotional/practical for your children continuity and stability of one major thing in their lives

Cons are (for me) mostly emotional, living with the past and his presumption that he knows the house and what goes on there (he's bad at boundaries)the idea that it was his too.

Furniture can be got round...freecycle, gum tree, etc and not living with his stuff might be nice but your DC are entitled.

Remember you don;t have to stay forever...you can hope and plan to stay for now and move later if that works best for then

good luck

If your house is jointly owned then you probably need to seek legal advice from CAB or a solicitor on where you stand with regard to taking over full ownership or, alternatively, selling up. My personal view is that, when there is emotional abuse or bullying at play, the fewer ties and obligations you retain the better because they all become potential weapons or routes to carry on the abuse. Already you're anticipating that he will drag his feet finding a place to rent that is big enough for his furniture.. A clean break where you sell up and start fresh with the proceeds is still going to take some time.

Most solicitors, decent ones will give you a free half hour chat, find one that does. If your in the north west it can put you in touch with a very good reasonably priced one.
Good luck
Rachael

Thanks everyone. Before I came onto mumsnet I hadn't even heard of EA, this site is a revelation! I think I have a solution for the future but really I would want him completely off the mortgage. Thinking of building an annex for my widowed Mum, so that we can both make some savings. It might be just what I need to keep my partner at bay, as they don't get on well (should have spotted that omen). It won't be the perfect solution but I want to ease the blow for my DC. Sounds like a solicitor is my next port of call. Really appreciate your advice. It's going to be hard though, I would like to stay 'friends' for the sake of the children, but if he ends up with very little I imagine that will be impossible.

I think, being brutally realistic, it's a mistake to think you can be friends with an emotionally abusive person. I don't know how the abuse manifests itself in your case but it is depressingly common for these kinds of relationships to feature one person thinking they are being kind, accommodating, loving, friendly .... the victim (you) ... and the other person seeing this behaviour as a weakness to be exploited to their own ends.

Stay 'civil' for the sake of the children if you can but only be friends with people that actually like you. Saves a lot of time.

Don't aim for friends with an EA man...go for business-like, rational and detached...be practical and concise, child focussed and you might achieve rubbing along eventually.

He's not your friend, and if you give him that role he will likely use it to weaken and diminish you (sorry...voice of bitter experience).

This may be irrelevant since you have a mortage.
It may help you though, to see that there is an ending if you do go with nothing. So here is my story when i was left with nothing.

PA it was joint rented. I had 1dc and pregnant.
I payed my half of the rent, and then took my name off the house and then left. With DV i wasnt questioned, and was allowed.

I had nothing. I moved in with my parents for 3 months whilst i was classed as homeless. I moved into another council house and was given things, and bought things from charity shops. What i had was rubbish - but it was a foundation to build on!

It was very, very hard but i survived.
It made me a stronger person, and i dont regret it at all.

There was no way i would have had the strength to battle for the house too. Leaving was the hardest, but best thing for me to do.

Could you apply for a council property?
Good luck and be strong!

I have to agree with fool on the friend part. They dont see your friendship as a good thing. They see it as something they can use to draw you back in.

Yes thanks. I think you're right about the friends part. I am the eternal optimist and can still be naive despite ten yrs in this relationship!

Thanks wontletmesignin. You sound like a brave and courageous woman. If I was younger then perhaps that's what I'd do, but I've just reached 40 and not sure i can face starting from scratch. I also need to feel that I have got something out of this relationship, along with my DC.