Sex life has become pretty much non-existant.

[Facingforwardsgoingbackwards]

Have NC for this.

DH has become very anxious in bed, which is very detrimental to our sex life. He used to be very good, but now has developed something of a hair trigger and I'm become very, very frustrated by it. I'm aware I sound awful, but it's not the coming too fast thing that's the issue, though it is an issue of course. I'm not allowed to touch him at all as he thinks that will set him off, which I find very difficult. He becomes very tense and rigid, which then makes me very tense and anxious, so the whole thing has become fairly unbearable and often results in arguments because I don't want to submit to him trying to get me off when I'm feeling very stressed and not allowed to touch/kiss him. Also the way he kisses, which is historically quite nice, becomes horrible when he tenses up.

He is a generally anxious person and was seeing a therapist for around a year or so but refused to talk to him about the sexual anxiety because "it's private".

I'm at a loss as to what to do - all I want is for him to relax, and I honestly don't care if it doesn't last long to start with. Surely from that point we can then build, but he is just so tense and won't seek help or even try anything to calm himself via some form of self help. If I try to talk about it, in a very delicate non accusatory way, he shuts down.

We last had sex 2 weeks ago and that ended up in an argument. I can't remember the time before that - likely around a month. I tend to get rejected if I make advances. I'm so upset by this all as a wedge is really coming between us due to the lack of intimacy between us. Can anyone offer any insight?

I think it's significant that he's anxious and been in therapy. Not too big a leap of logic to assume the sexual anxiety is part and parcel. It may be 'private' and embarrassing for him but its affecting your relationship badly, causing arguments, upsetting you and therefore it's not acceptable for him to refuse to talk to either you or a therapist about it. That makes him very selfish and it will drive a wedge if it carries on.

You say you're not allowed to touch him. Does this extend beyond the bedroom? Is he happy for you to, say hold his hand or put an arm around him? Sex aside, is there much affection being shown?

I've heard of and have been told this before;

Don't try to have sex, or even touch eachothers genitals to start with.
Relaxing massage or sensuous touching only. Try it a couple of times but those are the rules, your not allowed to touch each other's genitals.
At least then, if you agree those conditions there is no pressure on either party and you both learn to have some control.

I will make the rest up so not sure it would be of much use but;

After a couple of experiences like I mentioned maybe you could both agree thet you could finish it off with some mutual masturbation, at least then he is in control.

Move it on to maturbating each other and just try to go a little further each time.
Don't rush things and it's ok to go back to massage if you think you need to.

At least this way you both get to have intimate times with each other.

I can hold his hand and cuddle etc as long as we're not in a bedroom environment - in fact he's better with this than I am as I've never been particularly touchy-feely. I am a lot better than I was with this and don't think he feels rejected as I'm happy to have that level of intimacy (it was a problem for me in the past).

Thank you for the suggestions Andy. I've tried to initiate this kind of thing but because it's such an emotive subject he sees perceived criticism in trying to set some framework around the issue. I very much like the concept of moving back steps if there are issues.

It's such a hard subject to broach!

'Tense and rigid' is a fear response - almost like he's under attack - which is worrying if this is a recent development. I would suggest you back off from him sexually for a while, focus on being affectionate, holding hands, cuddling etc and allow chance for his fear to subside. The trouble with this situation is that, whatever techniques you adopt or suggestions you make, they will always be seen by him as 'pressure' and there will be the assumption that it's just a means to an end.

I think he worries about letting me down - he has a history of not wanting to upset/disappoint me (projections on his part as I'm not normally upset by him and don't think he's ever disappointed me). This has manifested itself in small lies in the past, or a refusal to admit he's annoyed about something minor when it's plain as day he is. He ties this to having a very depressive mother who he was always required to be "good" for and therefore often feels his needs/wants are unnecessary or irrelevant. It can be very frustrating when he won't admit what he wants to do/eat/see etc - I've lost count of the times he said "I don't mind" when he clearly does but doesn't want to be seen to have wants. Poor man. It does feel like he's attacking himself or denying himself a lot of the time.

I, of course, feel like a prize bitch for making some of this about me because he is obviously very troubled, but I need him to sort this out. He's suggested couples counselling when I got cross about him not speaking to his therapist about it, but as I see it the issue is his and not mine so I don't really feel that would help - and it would make me even more resentful over this.

I do sympathise and I can imagine it's frustrating but, sex aside, if his regular habit is to be self-effacing and lacking in confidence to the point of believing he doesn't matter in his own life, and if a year of therapy hasn't helped, then you've got to assume that this is his core personality rather than just a behavioural blip. FWIW the 'I don't mind' trait in a partner would be (and has been) a complete turn off.

I notice the most active he's been has been when you got cross. Doesn't make you a prize bitch... but you're only human. You may be married and you may care about him but everyone has a limit to what they can tolerate. Do you think - if nothing changes - the relationship might finish?

I think the therapy has helped but he's not let it help enough - avoiding the big issue and tinkering around the edges. He's very assertive at work and more so now at home, but still tends to get himself tied up in knots second guessing things rather than just asking/communicating.

I hope the relationship doesn't end. He's a very good man, and we used to not have these issues. That's why I hope it's not his personality and is just a blip. We've been together for 7 years and it's only the last one that this has been noticeable.

That's interesting. Assertive at work but not at home? Some people are capable of choosing a different persona for each location as a form of manipulation. Not necessarily saying that he is acting maliciously but if he wanted attention, for example, this behaviour pattern is certainly succeeding.

Another one... I'll just toss it in as a possibility..... is there any chance he's having an affair? Not unheard of for people to reject their partners sexually, be tense, angry and refuse to discuss the reasons why when there's someone else on the horizon or they feel guilty about their actions.

I doubt he has time to have an affair tbh, but appreciate it as a possibility. I honestly think it's tied up in his anxiety. I do take on board your point about choosing personas, and expect he does choose but not on a conscious level.

Lots to think about.

2 words. Back off.

I had a long relationship where the man had a sexual issue ( psychological impotence due to guilt) and the more I talked, cajoled and tried to help, the worse it got.

You need to stop talking about it, stop putting any pressure on at all, be openly affectionate but not overtly sexual as this will seem like a come-on and frighten him away.

Wait for him to make a move on you.
If it doesn't work then maybe you need to see a proper sexual therapist together/

Would he try viagra?

I imagine he would but wonder if that would create more pressure/anxiety for him. Isn't it to treat erectile dysfunction rather than over-excitement though?

Viagra is not the answer. It's for men who can't have an erection. It would also put huge pressure on him which is the last thing he needs.
There are well known techniques for helping men with prem ejac. If he sees his GP he could be referred to a sex therapist. What is worrying is that he won't face up the problem and wants to avoid talking about it to a professional and acknowledging the impact it's having on you - OP. Which may mean he has wider issues with sex, rather than treating this malfunction like any other physical symptoms that require some help to sort out.

I mentioned it because an ex partner of mine was prescribed viagra by his GP to help with prem ejac and it worked. He had already identified he had a confidence / anxiety issue. He only took it 3-4 times iirc and then we tried without any everything was fine.

I can't comment from a medical POV as to whether viagra is normally indicated for prem ejaculation.

I am sure you have tried this one, but if he knows he is going to DTD, could he not have a quick wank half an hour before hand so he can last longer during sex. Also, does he try to hold on when masturbating? If he's practising just "jacking right to the edge" and then holding on some, that might train him.

On an emotional level, I suspect what I have suggested above aren't even talked about, are they OP? They need to be brought out into the open and he needs to start talking to you openly about sex. If he can articulate that you aren't to touch him in case you set him off, he should be able to articulate what you do next (therapy, practical stuff) because he loves you and is a good man. You need to tell him that OP and communicate about sex with each other.

You say you won't go to counselling as it's his problem not yours. But you are a couple. You are in it together. Surely it can only help if you tackle it together. You might at least gain some understanding of his perspective.

So you feel it's his problem not yours and that couples counselling would make you feel resentful.

What an uncaring attitude don't you think? Not one that is going to make things any easier between you especially as he'll know you feel like this and see it as his problem rather than a joint problem.

When my partner had issues like this I was the one who went to a sexual counsellor to see how I could help him.

I don't think you are a 'prize bitch'. Someone has to start to get this dealt with and it is increasingly looking like it's not going to be him so....

I agree with many of the other posts in that I think you should back off but in a happy way (ie showing no resentment) given time and space it should start to resolve itself. If nothing changes after say, a month, then start to think again but in the meantime I would just chill about this a bit I think.

Loopyloulu I don't think I'm being uncaring re the couples counselling - just frustrated. He won't talk about it with his therapist, and when I try to broach the subject he gets defensive and argumentative. I think couples counselling is his way of shifting the blame (he has history of this) which I don't think is helpful. Whilst I have said it's his issue - and it is - I don't blame him for it as it's not helpful. If he starts a process and then I become involved I think I would feel differently but his refusal to talk unless we go along to something for couples irritates me, and my feelings about this are completely valid. I'm happy to help him but he does need to help himself too.

Thanks Diagonally - I'll do some research.

In the meantime I will just relax a bit. We had some lovely, intimate cuddling this morning before he went to work - I shall endeavour to have more of that.