What should I do?

[ohcripes]

Briefly. I have a friend whom I've known about 7 years. We met through her then DP who I was at uni with a long time ago. Whilst I was still married her DP had an affair, left her in serious financial and emotional trouble and I saw her through that. We became very close.

She was the first on the scene the day I discovered my own DP's affair and she supported me through it all and beyond. She's had a series of disastrous relationships with quite controlling idiots, I've had one relationship. I am single now through choice. The last relationship she had which went on for about 2 years ended after he became physically threatening. I never judged her for not kicking him out before that episode but I had warned her I thought it was heading that way. So she ended it and I was relieved as we'd had endless discussions about him and why blah blah. I had simply run out of steam to be honest. Three weeks after she ended it and it had all gone quiet - she wasn't contacting me. I suspected she had gone back with him, and lo and behold I bumped into them in the town and it was all hunky dory.

So I decided to leave her to it, I couldn't spend time with him knowing everything she had told me, and I felt she had made the wrong choice. Judgey, yes.

However, she did end up finishing with him for good and we resumed our friendship but it is different. Fast forward to now. We just don't see each other, we text sporadically. I texted her a couple of weeks ago.I phoned and left a voicemail. No reply. I called round on the off-chance and she wasn't in, fair enough. So texted that I'd been round and hoped to see her soon. She texted back she'd been in London, working etc etc and hoped to catch up soon. So I texted her last weekend to see if she was up for going out somewhere. No response at all.

So, I think I've done something to piss her off. I don't know whether to pick the phone up, text and ask her if I'm right, leave it or what. I think she's decided I'm not the friend she thought I was.

What's your take on it please?
Thanks.

You know too much.... :) Seriously, she hid from you rather than be open about taking up again with the last man. So now you are not fluffy old ohcripes that just listens, nods and says nothing... you are a person who has opinions and acts on them. This makes her uncomfortable.

I had exactly the same situation many years ago. A person I'd been close friends with since school was in a very abusive, violent (landing her in hospital when pregnant violent) relationship and I helped her and her DCs escape a full 200 miles back to her home town. Traumatic stuff. Shortly afterwards I discovered she had allowed the DH to join them. I was disgusted at the decision, made the mistake of saying so, and I have only seen her once in the 20 years since.

You've not been judgemental, you've been reasonable.

She probably feels guilty and awkward and judged for her decisions. I'm not saying that you were wrong to voice your opinion: I think it's very important sometimes to speak truth to friends if you are concerned about their wellbeing, which you were (and for good reason).

However, I do think that people associate disapproval of a decision with disapproval of them personally. So maybe it is time to emphasize that you still care for and love her, even though you are sceptical about her decision. Perhaps she needs to hear that you will always be there for her, no matter what. And when it does go wrong again, be really, really careful not to say 'I told you so!'

Could it be that her OH has made it difficult for her to be friends with you? if he is violent, then chances are he is also cutting her off from her support too.

Please keep in touch with her and let her know you will be there for her no matter what. She will need you again at some point.

People have different conceptions of friendship, personally i want friends I can trust to tell me truth when I need to hear it, but others just expect uncritical support. I think you either have to address the elephant in the room and say that you are sorry she felt judged but you were trying to help her and let's put it behind us or just accept and move on. Someone with self esteem weak enough to get into and stay in a series of rubbish relationships may well have found honesty hard.

Well that makes absolute sense to me. Thank you.

Yes, I'd stopped nodding and calling him an arse, but started saying things I knew might be risky to our friendship now I think about it. There was always a lot of alcohol involved in their relationship (he, I believe is an alcoholic who refuses to take ANY responsibility for his life and she is a rescuer who goes above and beyond reasonable).

I believe they are still 'friends' and she would not give him up. She sees his 'good' side (which he can show when it's needed). The last time I saw her she took me for lunch and who should be working there but him. I was cordial. She noticed and commented I was 'cool'. And I said, yes, he's working, he needs to keep his job so he doesn't scrounge off you any more.

Oh dear. Well, I will try once more, I can't pretend I think it's ok when i've already said otherwise. I guess it will be up to her if she wants to stay involved with him. Thanks again. i no longer feel like a dragon .