Separating but living under the same roof

[Donerelate]

After any years and many discussions, h and I agreed last night that our marriage is over.

However, he is saying he cannot afford to move out, and I need to find a part time job, or failing that a full time job. He says because he is quite a high earner I won't be entitled to benefits, but surely if we are separating....

Is that the case? I am clueless.

Also, how do others in this situation cope, sharing the house when it's all gone tits up. We have said we want to be as amicable as possible and even go on a planned ski-ing trip next year as friends?? At the moment that seems ok, but I cannot think past a day at a time.

Any advice greatly received. Thanks.

You need a solicitor to walk you through all the rights and responsibilities of divorce, not least the financial ones - division of marital assets, maintenance (for any DCs and potentially for yourself). 'Separation' won't get you anywhere, unfortunately. At the moment maintenance payments are not regarded as income for benefits purposes but you can run a quick 'what if' through benefits checkers such as this one. However, if you are or appear to be still living as a couple, you will find it more difficult to apply.

I'm sure some people can separate and continue to live together amicably but far more find that it becomes an emotional strain and prevents them from getting going on the next phase of their life. Good luck but get legal advice.

Thank you.

Will get on the case, as I can see this blowing up.

Do we have to be separated for 2 years before applying for a divorce?

I could be wrong but I think, before 2 years, you can call it 'irreconcilable differences' (or similar). Some solicitors provide a free initial consultation and it's worth getting good information rather than going into bat with one arm tied behind your back

Is he withdrawing financial support?
If so what is he paying for that he intends not to pay
for from now on?

Have a look at the Citizens Advice website - lots of advice on things to consider, & it specifically covers the rules about divorce, e.g. you have to have been married for at least a year, if you have lived apart for 2 years the court will take this as proof that the marriage has irretrievably broken down etc. But I think you can get an 'undefended divorce', if you both agree to it, before 2 years.

Anyway have a look here - www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_relationship_problems_e/ending_a_marriage.htm

and good luck

See a solicitor asap, but in the meantime you can agree the date of your separation between you - presumably yesterday. Theoretically you should be living separately in the house, i.e. separate shopping, meals, laundry, finances etc etc. In practice your separation would only be challenged if one of you wanted to not get divorced or if benefits etc got involved.

I lived like this for 14 months - admittedly not an amicable divorce - and it was not a good time in my life. I wouldn't be putting down any deposits on 'friends' skiing trips.

Unreasonable behaviour, in England and Wales at least. It doesn't have to be all that unreasonable, just something that you personally don't feel you can live with. I suggest you start with a look online at the Directgov and CAB guidance on separation and divorce, and then yes, do see a solicitor to talk things over. You can draw up a legal separation agreement but I think Cogito is right that it doesn't do a whole lot, and frankly, it's probably not worth going to that trouble and expense if you are unlikely ever to get back together.

The most important thing you need to be aware of is that if you are married there is no such thing as his money and your money. Everything belongs to both of you, with very few exceptions. And if you're currently not earning because you stayed home by mutual agreement to look after his house and/or family, you are very likely to be entitled to transitional maintenance while you get yourself onto your financial feet. He can't just say "we're separating, now off you go and do your own thing, oh and I'm keeping the house and all my large salary", jolly though I'm sure that would be. This is why it is important to get some legal advice, the sooner the better, certainly before agreeing to anything.

Thanks so much for your advice. I also chatted with a rl friend today who has been through v similar. She talked about family mediation. Anyone heard of that? Will get on the case today.

No you can file for divorce much sooner than 2 years if it's on grounds other than separation.

If there is adultery or unreasonable behaviour you could be divorced as quickly as 6 months.

When I split up with my now ex-husband, we resolved to amicably live under same roof whilst sorting stuff out. It quickly deteriorated into a total nightmare - arguing, horrible atmosphere etc. If you can, take legal advice as soon as possible. If he's a high earner, why can he not move out and rent somewhere?

I would focus, if you can, less on being amicable/friendly, and more on how you can move the situation forwards and ensure you get what you're entitled to. If things stay amicable whilst you're doing this then great, but don't let yourself get screwed over.

Thanks again. Yes, I can see this deteriorating potentially. I need to seek legal advice asap. Nothing can move on as it needs to.

National Family Mediation can give you details of a local service, talk about costs / legal aid etc - either look here www.nfm.org.uk/ or ring 0300 4000 636

when you're separated you can absolutely claim benefits as a single person, despite his income. This can be done while living under the same roof, under certain circumstances, you would need to be transparent when filling in the forms, but tick the box to say you're not living as a couple.

Housing Benefit a bit more complicated if you jointly own the house, but again - can be done in some circumstances. Don't let him blackmail you into staying.

Do you have DCs? You'd also be entitled to claim a % of his income as child maintenance, which would not be deducted from benefits.

Living under the same roof is really tough - any chance of him going? But you do have options available to you.

You only have to leave it 2 years if that's the divorce route you choose. If you file on the grounds of unreasonable behavior (very common), you could file tomorrow if you wanted to. Good luck.