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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I mean???

17 replies

mumlon2013 · 21/11/2013 02:12

It is 2 am and I cannot sleep, my mind has gone into overdrive again...so I thought I would ask for your opinion to make my sleepless night a bit more productive.

I am going through a terribly messy and acrymonyous divorce. At the moment, I am trying to sort out the financial settlement. I have been married for almost 15 years and a year ago I found out my husband was having sex with all sorts of women during the whole marriage. One of the encounters resulted in a child, which was born after a few months after our own child was born. I suspected something was not right but he always insisted I was imagining things and because of his emotional and physical abuse I changed from a confident woman to one who was nothing...so who was I to dispute anything when I had no proof? Then one of his girlfriends contacted me and that is when the truth came out. Luckily, I am gaining my confidence back but feel absolutely devastated that the man who I adored would do all this to me.

Now, back to my question. Of course, I am divorcing him and of course, he is terribly difficult and does not want to move out of our home nor give me anything in financial settlement. We have two small children and I want something for them. He has a flat he can go and live in but he tells me that he will stay to make my life as hard as he can. I love my home, have my friends around who have been helping me through all this so I will definitely not move. I want part of his flat or his pension or his savings, not everything but not nothing either. He says it is mean, I should just leave with nothing after 15 years. I am not mean, am I???

OP posts:
SugarandSpice126 · 21/11/2013 02:22

No, you are absolutely not mean. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through, it must be awful. Stay strong.

MrsCakesPremonition · 21/11/2013 02:23

No

You are not mean, at all. In any way shape or form.

He, on the other hand, sounds like a tosser of the highest order who is prepared to deny you and his children everything, even peace and dignity.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 21/11/2013 02:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caketinrosie · 21/11/2013 02:37

You are not mean. You are hurt and upset which is totally understandable. But park those emotions for just a short time. Get in touch with your inner lion and roar! Just wait until he leaves the house to go to work, then change the locks, pack his stuff and throw it on the driveway or send to his dm. Get in touch with a friend to help you. Take legal advice and when you have protected yourself legally and physically you can go back to your feelings. Surround yourself with good people, treat yourself with kindness and refuse to accept anything less from others. It's time to get selfish. I wish you all the luck and big hugs in the world. Sad Thanks

mumlon2013 · 21/11/2013 02:41

Well, he was gutted when he realized I will not stay married to him and he even had the cheek to beg to stay togeher for the children's sake. I guess it is because he wants to live with the kids and does not want to lose his money. He thought I would never leave him because of my love for him and most of all that I would never find out. At the same time he was begging me not to divorce him, he never said sorry for hurting me and just said I deserved it all...and kept chasing women for sex. He is sick in his head. I will leave with nothing and he will carry on spending money on sex in hotels and dining women who mean nothing to him? He tells me that I don't need his money and can go on benefits, crazy idiot!

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSnow · 21/11/2013 02:51

The Courts first consideration is that the children's needs are met. This could mean that you are entitled to more than 50%. Do you work/have a mortgage capacity?

Equality is simply a starting point.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 21/11/2013 02:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trufflesnuffler · 21/11/2013 02:57

Meanie...

Take it all.

MiniMonty · 21/11/2013 03:00

Get a lawyer, get him out, get on with it.

Lweji · 21/11/2013 07:15

Definitely lawyer up.

He's the mean one and to the children as well.

Get everything you and the children can.

You should divorce him on account of him saying it's his money, alone.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/11/2013 07:26

When you're under attack, bring in the big guns. Definitely get a lawyer and start the divorce process proper. Having him around ranting the way you describe is causing you to question your judgement so it would be better if he left. For that you'll need assistance. Good luck

3mum · 21/11/2013 07:58

And by the way, the whole "you are a grasping horrible person who is just trying to take my money" is absolutely par for the course. I too had a long marriage and a husband who cheated who I am divorcing. I get all of the "you shouldn't get anything" line even though he earns good money.

I just say, "this is what the children and I are entitled to and you chose to be exactly where you are now. We didn't." Strangely he doesn't have an answer for that.

Your H doesn't respect you and thinks only of himself, that's why he thinks he should get everything he wants. However, you can respect yourself and your children. You are entitled to financial support. Lawyer up and get it.

Justconfused · 21/11/2013 09:08

You are not mean. Stay strong. Get a good lawyer and go for absolutely everything you can. This is not a time to be soft.

wontletmesignin · 21/11/2013 09:38

He is the mean one. Not you!
Lock all of the doors when he next goes out, when he next comes trying to get in. Im guessing he will kick off. Phone the police, have him removed from your property.

wontletmesignin · 21/11/2013 09:38

You are doing the right thing. Dont let him make you think otherwise.
You are doing great!

Anniegetyourgun · 21/11/2013 09:52

Er, I don't think locking the doors is a terribly practical solution, given that he lives there and has every right to live there, however badly he has behaved. I may be wrong but I don't think you can legally exclude a partner from the house without a court order, which in the absence of domestic violence is unlikely to be granted (behaving like a complete tit does not count).

In the longer term, who gets what needs to be sorted out in a court of law, not by scoring verbal points between you, and this is why good legal advice is essential. The bad news is that screwing around does not entitle the innocent party to a bigger share of the marital assets. The good news is that being the main carer to the children of the marriage does.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 21/11/2013 19:34

Nicely put Annie

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