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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feeling so low

20 replies

babe1982 · 20/11/2013 23:43

Hello im feeling so low and alone I have a lovely mum and dad and daughter so that part of my life is great, but im also in a 4 year relationship with a guy I love very much but he controls me eg..he doesnt like my friends so therefore if I see them he kicks off and he has nothing to do with my family hes great with my 9 year old daughter he always gets to control what we do when I see him at the weekend which is every saturday at his mums I have to stay and his mum his so critical of me always putting me down and criticises what I wear and we have to go everywhere he wants and when were out with his friends he blanks me or puts me down and takes the mick out of me in front of me im feel so anxious and panicky now x

OP posts:
BOF · 20/11/2013 23:47

You will feel absolutely fucking A1 when you leave him, I promise.

FluffyJumper · 20/11/2013 23:47

Why are you with him?

Original poster
babe1982 · 20/11/2013 23:59

Things have been great for a while now as back seeing all his friends again hes changed again he was like this when i first started seeing him ignoring me in front of them and putting me down in front of them i do love him alot but all this of having all his own way and doing everything he wants is a joke and if i talk to him about it he goes crazy

OP posts:
FluffyJumper · 21/11/2013 00:09

This is only going to get worse with time. You are worth more than this. Everybody is worth more than this.

Original poster
babe1982 · 21/11/2013 00:16

Aww thank you i dont understand why is mum puts me down too x

OP posts:
FluffyJumper · 21/11/2013 02:00

Cos she's a nasty piece if work, and so is he if he doesn't defend you when she does this.

I am single, and it's much better than being with someone who isn't nice to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/11/2013 07:00

Why is it a surprise that a mean, nasty man has a mean, nasty mother? Fear of loneliness is a terrible thing, not least because it makes people give horrible men like this second, third and fourth chances. You don't love him very much - but your confidence is so smashed by this bully that you don't think you deserve any better treatment. Time to get out of the relationship, save yourself and save your DD from going on to think men like him are normal.

Good luck

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/11/2013 07:03

babe1982

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What is there to love about someone like this?. He has done a real number on you to get you to such a low point in your life and you likely doubt your own self.

He has not fundamentally changed since you met and will not do so either. He's as happy as a clam because he has you to control and rule over. He loves controlling you, he does not love you in any sense at all.

The apple did not fall far from the tree as far as his mother is concerned; its no surprise at all that she is horrid as well. Did you really expect any different?.

No, he is not great with your 9 year old DD either if he treats you so appallingly. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour at heart and you are being abused. You are currently also modelling an abusive relationship to your DD, she's learning from you as well.

I would suggest you start reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft because he is in those pages. I would also make plans now to separate from this man before he completely destroys you emotionally.

Talk to Womens Aid also; they can and will help you here.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/11/2013 07:04

" if i talk to him about it he goes crazy"

Describe 'crazy' for me?

Lweji · 21/11/2013 07:24

You're not even living together?

Send him a text and if he goes crazy, then call the police. You don't have to talk to him about it, just dump him.
Really.

tribpot · 21/11/2013 07:52

Does it really matter why his mother puts you down? I suspect it's to big up her son - you know the one whose feelings and wishes actually matter - but there is absolutely nothing redeeming in what you describe. And worse than that, you are modelling a shit relationship to your 9-year-old daughter.

It's sad that you don't believe you deserve better than this. You absolutely do.

loopylouu · 21/11/2013 08:39

Please just walk away. You don't even live together? Then it's easy.

Wait for someone who will respect you. He sounds like a low life scumbag.

loopylouu · 21/11/2013 08:40

And you cannot let your daughter grow up thinking that it's normal for a man to treat a woman this way. You are doing her no favours by staying with him.

MadBusLady · 21/11/2013 08:48

He won't get better and you can't fix him. He isn't after the same normal, loving relationship you are - he gets a kick out of controlling you and being an arsehole to you. This right now is how he likes relationships to be.

Dump him, by text if he's likely to kick off, and don't look back.

YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE · 21/11/2013 10:21

you will be left feeling like this if you continue to be with him.
if as you say you love him could you suggest counselling or have a talk with him about how you feel?
it's important to address these things before you think about any big commitments (I am assuming you aren't married?) if you feel you have a future.
my dad was similar isolated my mum due to possessiveness and being a control freak you don't want those bad qualities in any relationship. He didn't put her down though.

GetOrfOhSodOff · 21/11/2013 10:27

You will feel so much better without this godforsaken git in your life, and his mother. This pair have done a real number on you.

Plus it must be very distressing for your daughter to hear her mother being verbally battered like this. Your dd loves you dearly and it must make her feel very confused and conflicted to hear the things they say.

Your boyfriend may get on with her now, but as she gets older I am sure your daughter is more likely to question him and perhaps talk back. Don't give him the opportunity to squash her esteem and will like he has yours.

You don't need someone like this in your life. Talk to your lovely mum and dad and tell them what goes on and ask for their help. Talk to your friends and ask them for help as well. You sound too frightened to do this on your own, lean on your loved ones for help.

You have no idea how immeasurably better you will feel without this miserable inadequate man in your life. He is weak, and so is his mother, that is why they're trying to make themselves feel better by bullying and belittling you. You are their whipping boy. You and your dd are too good for this.

Please try and speak to people in RL today to get some help.

GetOrfOhSodOff · 21/11/2013 10:28

No matter how much you love him, you cannot fix him, and he will not change. He is broken. Leave him and his mother to fester together.

FluffyJumper · 21/11/2013 21:29

Why do you think he is nice to your DD but not to you?

akawisey · 22/11/2013 08:48

Does your mum know how he treats you? I think you should start seeing as much of your own family and friends as you can. Tell them how it is. Get their views and support to help you see that what he does is just plain old nasty.

And send this boy back to his mummy.

cindyrella · 22/11/2013 09:25

....and send this boy back to his mummy :) wise advice! Says it all :)

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