Need advice

[nearlytall]

Hi all, I'm new here and really need some advice, slightly turning the tables on this one as I'm the daughter and need help with my mum. Im 38 years old married and have a a great son. So like most of us have the normal life, I just wish my own life had always been like that. Since I was 14 years old I have always had a job and since my first job my mum has expected money from me, now I don't just mean board money like some parents ask there kids to pay for, I mean she would take every penny off me as she stated her and dad were always short on money.

I have even seen her on my payday meet me at the bank on my lunch break to clear out my account. In the past she has even made me ask my boyfriend or there parents to lend me money so I could give to her you can imagine the embarrassment I felt.

To be fair at the time her and dad did work full time, but both drank a lot and smoked a great deal so that's were the money went. She eventually got a well paid job and for a few years she an her current partner as my own dad had past away seem to live a normal life they even went on a few holidays.

My mum turned late 50's and decided that she need to retire as she was getting to old to work erm!!!!!, I asked her at the time could she afford it and she just brushed off the comment.

Well fast forward 5 years and I'm back in the same boat every week her partner is on the phone, they have even now stopped asking to borrow money as they never give it back its just "can you give us" I even had last week oh were thinking of checking out permanently because we have no money. What parent ever says that to there own child no matter what age they are. Hubby and me are now arguing about this as he is so fed up with giving them money all the time. I have told them were not that great financially at the moment just like everyone else, but they are either not listening or don't care.

I'm getting so down as I don't know what to do I cant see her going without especially when shes says I've got no money for food or gas and i am here only child, but I just don't know how long I can keep this up for.

Any help would be great.

Why are you giving her money? You need to stop, now. At the moment you're just enabling your own finanical abuse.

I'm sure someone fluffier and more constructive will be along in a minutre, but as far as I can see you have the tools in your hands and it's frustrating to see you ignore them.

Seriously!? Just say No. You don't owe either of them anything. Sounds very much like you've been emotionally blackmailed and financially abused from a very early age by the very person who should have been providing for you but the good news is that you are an adult now, with your own family to provide for, and you simply do not have to take it any more. If you can't face telling her and her partner this very simple fact, would your DH be prepared to do this? You really have to tell it to them straight and if they get unpleasant about it tell them that you are sorry but you have been given no choice by their behaviour but to stop being in contact with them. Don't feel guilty about it either - your DH and DS should be your priority now!

Erm, so who is the mother here?

Don't keep propping your mother and her partner up. She's an adult and makes choices every time she puts herself in a vulnerable financial position.

you have no responsibility to look after her now and you never did but you do have your own family who need every penny. I can well understand your DH's resentment, he's working to support two families as are you.

Say no. And keep saying no until the message is received and understood.

They have and will bleed you financially dry because they use you as a cash machine. She has used you as this for the past 24 years, enough is enough. Time to call a halt to this as of now.

You have to break away and disengage emotionally and physically from your mother who drank and smoked all your earnings away. Why does she still have this power over you?. I could perhaps provide an answer (well part of an answer) to that and that is detailed below.

Your money is your money for your own family unit, they are wanting now to take your cash away from your child and own family unit!. They are seemingly more than happy to see you go without in order to fund them.

You likely feel a lot of FOG with regards to this woman who is your mother; fear, obligation, guilt. These are but three of many damaging legacies of such toxic people, they are bad to be anywhere around. I hope that your child does not see anything of his grandparents because these two sound bloody awful.

Its not your fault your mother is like this nor is it your fault that she is so financially irresponsible. You are not responsible for her in any way, shape or form.

Its also not your fault that she is potentially going without. You are not responsible for her although you perhaps think you are. If the positions were reversed would she actually help you out?. I doubt that very much, she'd likely tell you to get lost. She is inherently selfish and only cares about her own self, her man is exactly the same.

I would suggest you now stop taking her calls as well as installing a caller ID system or answering machine if you already have neither.

I would read up on co-dependency as well as looking to raise your own boundaries a lot bloody higher than they have been to date. How would you feel about now having as little or even no contact with either of these people?.

Why do you think you are responsible for your mother's choice to retire?

Even worse why the hell do you think you are responsible for the life style of her partner who I am assuming isn't your dad and is no relation to you!!!

You are doing it out of a sense of guilt. You need some sort of therapy to help you realise it is not your fault or responsibility.

I can understand your H getting frustrated to be honest. You handing over your money to your mother and her partner when money is tight for you too impacts your child and him. I would get pissed off at handing over £ after £ to an ungrateful selfish cow like your mother.

Your mother sees the word MUG on your forehead.

Get yourself help to be able to say no.

I know I have to say no and I know im making things worse by just giving her the money. To be honest I think what really finished me is when she asked for money and then went for lunch and had her hair done, yet because she has always taught me not to spend money on myself so Ive been hanging on to get my hair done that might sound really petty but it was really a WTF moment !!! I think I needed an outsider just to say that no I wasn't in the wrong for wanting to put my foot down.

I think you should stop arguing with your husband, join forces with him and stop bankrolling the idle pair. They're not listening to 'no' at the moment because it seems to end up becoming 'yes'... If you say 'no' as a team often enough, they'll move onto some other sucker.

Honestly I would cut such an inherently selfish person off but that may be a step too far for you to achieve currently. You do not warrant such a selfish person in your life. She does not care about your wellbeing in any way.

Currently you are enabling her to further abuse you financially by handing the cash over. She is taking money away from your child to fund her own lifestyle.

It sounds like she never taught you or infact wanted you to value your own self. Keep the money now for yourself and get your own hair done, you are worth it. Writing that though is easy for me to write, you believing that truly however, is something else entirely. Your mother is a parasite who will suck you dry so long as you let her. She is taking you for a fool.

I would suggest counselling re your dysfunctional relationship with your mother. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

BWT do you have any siblings?. If so, how are they treated?.

You need to completely disengage from her as of now.

Dont let her fool you into them having no money for gas and electric.
That is their responsibility, not yours.
If they throw what money they do get down the pan, then that is their fault. Not yours.

Tell her to grow up.

Do not feel guilty at all. You have not done anything to feel guilty about.
Although, i can imagine her to tell you otherwise if and when you do finally put your foot down.
Expect a mouthful of abuse. Do not take any of ir personally. She will do and say anything in order to keep what she had!

Hi Attilathemeerkat, Im an only child, to be honest if I started think about my life I would be on more anti depressants than I am now lol. I was mentally and physically abused by my father, my mum knew about it but never stopped it. She has always been an attention seeker its only now I am seeing her for what she is. This proves how bad she is I decided I wanted a very low key wedding so went abroad to get married we paid for my mum and partner to come with us. Two days before we flew she told me she had depression and could not fly, we spent the next two days getting her doctor to agree to let her fly he looked very confused about what she was on about, anyway all through the first week she just moaned she was bored and fed up and wanted to go home, but because I was getting married she couldn't, the day of my wedding I only had her there for me, all day she couldn't be bothered with me, I must be the only bride ever to sit on there own watching people set up for my own service. So I fully understand why OH really does not like her. And I cant cut her totally out of my life because unfortunately you only ever have one mother no matter how much you dislike them.

And I cant cut her totally out of my life because unfortunately you only ever have one mother no matter how much you dislike them.

You can and people do. They're not mean or selfish they just have boundaries and it sounds like you haven't been taught any at all.

I think you need counselling because I'm afraid this is a seriously fucked up situation and she has messed with your head and your wallet all your life.

Can you give any positive things about your mother that she brings to your life and would be worth holding onto?

Cos from what you have said so far she seems nothing but a parasite.

I agree, you can cut her out of your life even though she is your mum.

You don't have to cut anyone out of your life but, if you're going to keep them in it, it's going to take a massive shift in your thinking to make the relationship work in a way that doesn't destroy either you or your marriage.

You're a mother yourself. You probably have a 'great son' because you haven't treated him the same way that you've been treated. I bet you don't take all his money off him. I bet you wouldn't fail to defend him if attacked. If he wants to do somethng nice for you it'll be because he loves you... and not because he feels some terrible obligation.

Talk to your DH about this. If you can't work out the boundaries single-handed, do it as a team.

Wow she's really way way beyond selfish.

You don't need to give an explanation for refusing her money - No! is enough.
You nor your DH deserve to go to work for hard earned money then feel forced into handing it over to her - if she's really that skint she can bloody well get another job, many retired folk go back to work.

Yes you're right - you only get one mother but bear in mind that she only has one daughter and she's chosen to treat you like a cash cow regardless of how your financial circumstances are or how it affects your marriage.
You can have no contact with her, she doesn't, and from what you've written, never has had your best interests at heart.