Suitable contact for DS (2.5) and DD (10m)

[alphacourse]

Hi

I'm looking for ideas and guidance please for suitable contact for my 2 DC with their father which don't involve him being in our home. I'm finding it so hard. Any suggestions would be gratefully received please!

Not sure if you mean time and regularity or things for him to do with them so this might not be helpful....

I spoke to a counsellor who deals with lots of children of separated/divorced parents about how often STBX should see our DC and for how long.

Her advice for young children and babies was...

Very regular but short contact - ie a few hours every 1/2/3 days
She said my DS (who is just turned two) and is very close to his dad would be fine with an overnight stay with him. STBX wants 2/3 nights though and she said to build up to that between now and him turning 3.

She advised he shouldn't be away from me for more than a day or so at this stage, and shouldn't really go more than a few days without seeing his dad.

I think for your younger child the periods of time would be shorter.

Why is he coming into the house? Will he not just take them out for a few hours?

Thank you! Yes, I meant frequency and duration. He has been coming here and seeing DD and doing baths and stories with DS as the split is very fresh. His opening suggestion for contact today was 3 overnights with DS and taking them for dinner 4 nights!!!! I am still BF DD, but not much any more. He isn't one for compromise or discussion, so think this may be tricky!

How much did he see them before the split?

I am no expert and I am only going on the advice I have been given and have read, but the way I understand it is the less they are used to him as a caregiver, the more frequent but shorter the periods of time are advised to be.

My problem with My H wanting to do 3 nights is before we split, he worked 6/7 day weeks and would probably only be around at bedtime 1/2 nights a week. Even then I'd still do bath and story most of the time.

He did see him every day though and always spent a good quality hour with him at some point, but three days and nights is such a big leap and such an upheaval for DS IMO.

I am prepared to build up the time very slowly though, but TBH, although I was very worried about him maybe having to be away for so long, I don't actually think H will ever sort his work out enough to go through with it all.
And of course if when DS is at school and he wants to see his dad more I won't stop him.

The lady I spoke to was actually a relationship counsellor I went to for a session, but I knew she worked with children and spent a good 15 minutes talking with her about this.

She is on,y one opinion I guess. Im not sure if there is an official body who can also advise?

I found some interesting studies on the net, I will try and dig them out later and post links. It just helps to know what is best for children at different ages.

If he's likely to be hostile, consider getting legal representation and going the mediation route rather than trying to negotiate single-handed

Shit shit shit

I dont know if any of you remember my backstory? I found out he was using websites in April. Twat

He has now sent me two messages saying he wants:

Tues eve dinner with both, the DS overnight

Fri - DS overnight. Pick up DD sat morn and have all day and return after dinner

Sunday - dinner with both and have DS overnight.

ALSO every other weekend

He is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Over the past 7 months he has thrown things and held his fist in my face and said he wants to smack me.

I don't understand, do you mean he wants the above arrangement every other weekend? Or he wants the above arrangement one week and the entire weekend the next week?

The whole thing is a minefield, I think you need to get professional advice

How often did he care for them before the split?

Also, although they need to see both their parents doesn't it need to fit with you too? They need to have quality time with you, do you work?

It just doesn't seem right that he can demand when he sees them. It has to be a mutual agreement. I think you definitely need mediation.

He wants above one week and entire weekend the next. I am a sahm at the minute and do all their care. He has looked after them on his own for a morning since the split - but used my home for naps etc.

You can't mediate very well with an abusive partner. I had a barrage of texts and emails last night. I am suggesting one overnight a week with DS to start with, all day Sat with both of them and he can also see them a couple of evenings for a few hours. Does that sound reasonable?

It sounds reasonable to me, particularly given that he is obviously not used to caring for them anywhere near so much.

Of course you wouldn't be able to reason with him, I don't know why I suggested that. My STXH is more self pitying and passive aggressive so it's easier to get these things sorted out then it is for you.

I have no idea what would happen if you went legally. Sorry my advice is so rubbish, I'm learning myself. Maybe post on the divorce/separation board?

Hope you sort it out, best of luck. Let me know how you get on x

Watching intently, I am about to move out with my DCs who are exactly the same age as yours (hard isn't it) and for similar reasons. Have been thinking about this a lot.

He is much calmer today. I sent a message suggesting the above. He has come back with asking for a second overnight and asking to take both of them out for dinner one night and bath and bed them at my house. I don't think that is usually recommended is it?

Sorry you are going through this too tantrumtime. I want to do what is est for the kids, and try not to be selfish - but I understand their emotional needs as well as just safety if that makes sense? I also have a 9 year old from my previous marriage. I dont want her to be without her brother and sister for half the week either!

Do you mind having him in your house?

If you are getting a compromise out of him, maybe try what I did with my x...?

I just said I wanted to do everything the right way to make things as easy as possible for DS and also stressed I know it is important he sees his dad too. I explained I had sought advice and done research and given his age he needs to go slowly. I suggested a routine much the same as yours and said I agreed in principle to two nights, maybe In the future three, when he is older, but we should build up to them over the course of the next year or so.
So yes, he can have what he wants, if its best for DS and we do it the right way.

He not happy, but accepting of that because he saw it as not coming from me but from a professional. And if he disagreed he would be being a complete selfish twat, which he is trying very hard not to be.

Also I really believe that after several months down the line when we have built up to two nights, H is going to be way too preoccupied with work and himself to want to persevere for three nights.

I think it's important for you that you set boundaries. It was a prob for me too that much of the contact was here at home at first but then I told him he had to take DS out and wow life is so much nicer!

Again, I said that it would be less confusing for DS and help him adjust quicker to him moving out. XH didn't really have any choice but to agree as he is now a changed man

Could it work for you?

What do you think about going down legal route?

If he is abusive, I would advise legal representation. My DS was 2 when we split and we are not doing overnights yet. We are building up to starting in spring. I am the main carer and DS found even daytime contact difficult at first. It has taken lots of work to get him settled with the arrangement.
We had contact initially at the house, it was awful, so I said no to that too. I would not start with that.
It has been very hard to get the arrangement which suits ds through, but we are going in the right direction now. But I am not sure I could have done it without legal help. XH simply did not listen to me.

inthe what is the arrangement if you don't mind me asking? How old is your DS now and how did it effect him?

I hear about families who move straight to 50/50 and its OK and I wonder how they do it, it's been nothing like that seamless here. Maybe it's the age of the children

Sorry if I've just hyjacked your thread alpha

I think having him in your house creates problems and confusion for all involved, especially because of his EA. One of the hardest things to do with someone who is EA is establishing boundaries and sticking to them, they are used to intimidating and bullying if they don't get what they want. I would seriously consider legal representation like Inthequietcoach suggests, as contact will just be another way for him to bully you.

Hijack away Ellie - all welcome!

Isetan - you are right. I spoke to womens aid and they were really helpful! Boundaries is hard as he pushes and pushes. I was amazed that they classed me as medium to high risk due to his VA and EA. They are helping me with an action plan. They said one night and build up slowly over time is by far the best thing at his age.

Ellie, have pm'd you, if you don't mind, as don't want too many (potentially identifying) details on here.

Absolutely agree with what Isetan says about boundaries.

All the best with things, alpha, good that you have some support.