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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

3months on from cheating (which he denies)

9 replies

MrsParker · 20/11/2013 15:20

I posted in oct about dp possibly cheating, and I got a resounding LTB, I didn't. I've been thinking. If i'd of been younger I would of kicked his arse out and not looked back. Why did I waiver? New job. The kids. Childcare. Scared of doing it on my own, losing the kids home.
It wouldn't be easy but not impossible, nothing's impossible my dad used to say!
I started a new job in sept, shift work so nights, late evenings, early mornings. Starting to wonder about an au pair.... I studied for 3 years to start my career so selfishly don't want to give it up.
The initial rush post his texting another woman and joining a sex dating site has worn off, he's distant again, won't talk. Sex had died down. But I'm still feeling devastated, can't trust him and if I ask to see a text that comes through, it kicks off, he says I'm not trying, that he doesn't look forward to coming home. We can't talk about anything, as he says that's enough and ignores me. Refuses to talk....it's the same as it was before he stepped out, so how long before he goes looking for something else again. Money is tight, bailiffs calling day and night, but he ignores it, never mentions it, basically leaving it to me. I met a friend for coffee, he never asked how it was, I feel he's not interested in me at all. The night shifts I do are killing me, wondering what he's up to all evening. I read and read mumsnet for ideas on how to resolve this, as I've started to imagine me and the kids living a life on our own, being in control of the money, not having to wonder if he'll have any work the next week or if he'll spend money on stuff we don't need. I know he lies, he cheats (possibly) gambles, is inconsiderate of what he's done, expects it to be in the past and never mentioned again, I wondered if life could be more than this. I know I need legal advice as house in joint names, just so scared to give up what I've known as normality for 7 years. Not sure what I'm asking just wanted to say it out loud. Thanks

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 20/11/2013 15:26

Do what you should have done three months ago.

worsestershiresauce · 20/11/2013 15:32

'he's distant again, won't talk. Sex had died down'
'if I ask to see a text that comes through, it kicks off, he says I'm not trying, that he doesn't look forward to coming home'

That says to me he is back with the ow. You probably don't want to hear that, but it is pretty much text book how people behave when they are cheating.

In your situation I'd walk away. I say that as someone who took back a cheat. I wouldn't have done if he hadn't shown me just how sorry he was, and how much he wanted to try again in his actions not just his words. Even then it's hard. Very very hard.

JeanSeberg · 20/11/2013 15:37

Get some legal advice, be proactive. Knowing your rights will make your options seem clearer.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/11/2013 15:40

He cheats, texts other women and joins a sex site.... and you're the one not trying? Hmm

The normality you're worried about giving up is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I can't imagine how any alternative could be worse. Please get legal advice urgently. You're clearly an intelligent woman and I'm sure, if you've coped with all of this crap, you'd make a massive success of independent life.

Jan45 · 20/11/2013 17:36

Can only agree with above, why are you with him, he clearly has no respect for you or cares a toss about having a future with you, sorry but c'mon, what else does he have to do, do you really want to wait until the next affair, and then what, back at square one. His actions speak volumes, he is not sorry, he's sorry he was caught and has no intentions of making it up to you. Would life without him be worse than this???

mammadiggingdeep · 20/11/2013 19:37

Whether he's back with ow or not, you need more than this. You say you're wondering if life could be more than this. Yes. DEFINATELY.

Flowers good luck x

Distrustinggirlnow · 20/11/2013 19:58

Oh MrsP what are we going to do with you......?
He's showing no remorse, he's not trying and all you're doing is worrying. I agree with another poster upthread, unfortunately it sounds to me he's either seeing ow again, has a new ow, or is meeting strangers for NSA sex. None of these behaviours have a place in your marriage. None of them. Therefore, he no longer deserves a place in your marriage.

You have trained and worked hard for all of those years. You've finally achieved your goal and how does he celebrate, with someone else. The not looking forward to coming home is a classic line. Let me guess, does he complain that the house isn't tidy too...?

I know before people said ltb. I may even of said it myself, but I understand why you haven't, but the time has come MrsP for you to take back control. Take back your life.

It won't be easy, but this guy is a complete waste of your time. You deserve better and so do your children. Do you want them to grow up thinking his behaviour is right, normal even.....?

You'll get loads of support here, plenty of others have walked the path you're about to take. I challenge you to find one who say, "oh it was an awful thing to do and I wish I'd stayed with the twunt who shagged around behind my back and spent all my money".
I'll save you the trouble as you won't find one !

Do you have any support irl? You don't have to do it all in one day. Baby steps towards that goal. Get a free half hour with a solicitor. Get all important documents together. Open a secret account and start saving some money. If you've got bailiffs after you, would a trusted family member keep some money for you. That'll do to start with.

Good luck, there's a better life for you away from this charmer I promise, but you have to make the initial step ThanksThanks

MrsParker · 20/11/2013 21:31

Thank you for the replies, I know the right thing to do, I just keep stalling, hoping it'll get better:( I was hoping to try and string it out til I've got some experience in my new role to move to a job with more child friendly hours...but it seems such a long way away now. Thanks again x

OP posts:
killpeppa · 20/11/2013 21:40

mrsparker

you are just postponing the inevitable. at what point would you leave, when your things are being repossessed, when he squanders what little money you have left?

you deserve to live a life without all this stress. Im sure its so scary. The prospect of leaving is scary too (I know) , but when you get the ball rolling its like a weight has been lifted.

Good luck, hope you update usThanks

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