dp is snappy and grumpy infront of my mom?

[muddyprints]

dp is normally polite, kind, patient and friendly to everyone. people comment how he gets on with everyone and he is a great dad.

but I have noticed that he is always moody and snappy at me when my mom is about.

I have asked him why and he said I imagine it, I asked him if mom annoys him and he said she wont sit down and relax, she buzzes round too much.

mom visits twice a week but dp prob sees her 30 mins a week max.

eg. this week mil/fil and mom came round for tea. mil and fil sat on settee and were waited on hand on foot. mom helped by washing up cups and sat by dds and helped dd2 while eating, but she didn't buzz round imo. dp stepped past dd2 twice and I saw her hair swing his foot got so close to her head so I asked him to be careful as he nearly kicked her. he then said "well ive got to walk about what do you expect me to do hover". everyone stopped talking it was embarrassing.

he always seems to snap at me when my mom is here.

im getting annoyed now cos his parents are very hard work and I am polite to them for an hour every week, he never sees my dad and hardly sees my mom

I don't know what your DP's personality and I am NOT excusing his behaviour.
HOWEVER

That many people in my space for longer than about an hour would make me quite tense and stressed. I would probably find something urgent to do in the bedroom and run away :(

Could it be his way of tryig to make your dm feel too uncomfortable, so maybe she thinks twice about coming around again!
Also, trying to make you feel unconfortable when shd is there, so you dont invite her round as much

it was dd2s birthday, we don't always invite everyone for dinner and he was stressed by it cos he said he doenst want to invite them all together again, but really its only 3 extra people.
that was an example, he seems a different person round my mom.

I don't know why though. I wouldn't choose to spend time with his parents but I do every week. mom normally comes for an hour but this time it was 3 hours but his parents stayed 3 hours too.

Suggest he goes for a walk next time your dp are coming over

I know my ex was very much like this. He would bang the plates around, go into different rooms, and just be outright huffy when my dp came round.

It got to the point, my dp stopped coming round. My df would every now and then, but he would not come in. He would stay at the door.

My ex was EA, and my dp were the only thing he had no control over. It was also one of the only things i challenged him on as i couldnt understand. They hadnt done anything to him. So i didnt stop them coming, like he wanted me to.

The other things i had tk challenge him on were my dc. That was explosive....

mom normally comes at 3, fetches dd from school and then spends 3.30 till 4.30 here twice a week. dp arrives home at 4.30-5 so sometimes doesn't even see her, but im thinking maybe it annoys him that he gets in and she is here so he cant relx after work.
but his parents come at 5.30-6.30 every week and I find this awkward as I try and get dinner finished for 5.30 and then they always look shocked wjen I say im running a bath for the dcs at 6.30 and say they've hardly seen them.

thing is, dp is so nice to me, kids, neighbours, everyone, he lets people walk all over him, he never says mean things to me or shouts or puts people down. I am a far more outspoken strong-minded person.

If it is only twice a week - that is not enough to drag somebody down to that extent.
Especially if she leaves shortly after.
Surely though, if it bothered him that much, he would just delay his timing by a little bit so to make sure he missed her?

Unless you can really see a genuine reason as to why your oh has such a hard time wih your dp, then i think he should be respectful. They are his oh parents afterall.

Could you maybe give off the impression that you dont like his parents then?
Because if that is the case, he may be trying to show you how it feels.

You mentioned his dp commented on you running dc bath when they were there.
From their point of view, that could be classed as an indication that you want them to leave, and may be offended by it.

Maybe ask your partner his thoughts on you and his dp?

ils would stay till late, kids need to be in bed by 7.30ish so I get on with bathtime. im not trying to be rude but its school the next day and dp agrees and sometimes he runs the bath too. ils aren't kicked out.

Your DM is helping you both out by bringing DD home. Whereas his parents come round regularly to be sociable but don't actually help out. Which is fine but it seems mean of DP to begrudge her coming in on DD2's birthday. Maybe he feels awkward that his parents aren't childminding and thinks you might make unfavourable comparisons. So by huffing and puffing every time your mum is over he tries to hide the fact she is actually doing you both a favour and tries to find fault.

Has he been like this when your dad is round? Btw is your dad avoiding him for some reason? Maybe DF finds DP as awkward to talk to as you find PILS hard work.

Sorry but whatever his reason there's no excuse for being rude, I'd have to tell him to show my mum more respect, esp when you do the same for his parents.

If your mum is there when he gets em thorough the door after work, perhaps he just needs to wind down. I have to admit that I was the same when I worked. Bugged the shit out of me if I got home and we had visitors. Of course it's different given you given your mum is helping out collecting kids from school.

My hubby has times like that too, whether we have a visitor or not as he just needs a bit of time to himself. He will give a quick hello then disappear upstairs for the loo and to get changed and then not come down for yonks. I understand that (I'm an only child and need my own space too) and dd knows to not chase him round the house.

I'm a little bit like your DP and it's something my wife and I argue about from time to time. My defence (and some of this MAY apply to your partner) is:

1. My wife's parents live far away so visit for days at a time. I struggle with this but try and keep a lid on things;

2. My Wife didn't have a great upbringing (nothing horrendous) and doesn't realise how much she's slagged her parents off over the years (only to me). She loves them unconditionally - they're parents - I'm now not so keen on them! They also favoured my brother in law over my Wife - which I hated!

3. My wife is often over-sensisitive to any transgression (real or imagined) involving her parents.

4. My in-laws can never be wrong about ANYTHING - even stuff that relates to MY JOB! My wife knows this but says that I should just nod and smile. To my eternal shame.......I can't.

It sounds as if your husband (and he's probably not doing this consciously) needs to just break the cycle/un-learn the behaviour.

Oh please dont think i was saying you were rude, or trying to kick them out.

I think 6:30 is late for visitors when there are young children.
I, myself find it frustratinf if my parents come over around tea/bath time as i think its obvious i would be extremely busy. From my POV i feel they know this, but do it anyway. But from their POV im being rude and ignorant by leaving them in the living room on their own while im in the kitchen sorting things out.

I was just trying to throw possible reasons out there to try and help understand the situation better. Sorry if i made it come across in a different way.

I would get irrated with that much parental contact, indeed I used to with my ex. It's just a feeling of interferance, it's your and his home, your mother shouldn't be doing things as a guest in your house, and if she's there twice a week I'd be annoyed.

My mil was helpful, but I just felt she treated our house as an extension of hers and that was frustrating. I acted differently when she was around as I felt my independance was threatened, then my ex would bring up the comments that MIL had made as if they were fact.

Don't get me wrong mil was nice (until we seperated) but twice a week to be in your house when DP gets home is too much.

I can't offer any advice, but I can empathise, because we see my mother every Sunday when she visits us for about 4 hours and my husband's manner towards me is totally different and quite unpleasant for those few hours. Consequently, my mother must have a very skewed impression of what our relationship is like. It's an odd phenomenonenonenonenon isn't it?

My ex was like this with my parents and had the knack of making everyone around him feel uncomfortable on family occasions. However what is different in your case is that your dp is normally nice to you (mine wasn't!). He either genuinely doesn't like your mother or could he be jealous of your relationship with your mother?

thanks for your replies.
some things struck a chord, dps mom and dad are hard work (for both of us) and never help out even making a cuppa and maybe dp feels a bit annoyed with them and then sees my mom washing up or making tea and it makes him feel worse.
our house used to be moms house so maybe she takes over too much and I don't notice but dp does.
me and mom were very very close when I grew up, she was the best mom ever, now shes remarried and has other dcs and gdcs that she sees more and does more for and dp feels hurt on my behalf.

my mom doesn't help with childcare, im a sahm, mom offers to fetch dd1 twice a week to see her, so we don't rely on her.

dp doesn't see my dad very often due to different work times.

our house used to be moms house

Maybe when he comes in and she's there he still feels like it's "her house" and not his own to just relax in, hence his strange behaviour.

Your pils sound tiresome being around at the kids' bath time...especially if they then get into a huff.

its definitely just my mom, if he comes home and ive got a new friend here with their dcs that hes never even met before, he is chatty, friendly, making them a drink and makes them welcome.
its weird because my mom is quite quiet, never mean or rude or overbearing so its hard to dislike her.
maybe its the house feeling like hers and maybe she still feels like its hers so helps a bit much. she only washed up because there was loads of cups/plates etc at party. she doesn't do housework or anything (she can if she wants )

It's horrible isn;t it. my DH is very like this. BUT I can sort of see his point of view, as my Mum sort of assumes the "lady of the house" role when she is at ours. She does washing up as if she were in her own home. She will let herself in without knocking when she knows we are at home. She needs a key as she picks DSs up from school for me once a week and brings them home and wait till I get home from work.
She will speak to the kids as if she were their Mum, in front of us. (but treats them like toddlers when they are 10 and 8. e.g "please go and blow your nose". Have you brushed your teeth?) Tells the kids what they can and can;t do. I know it winds my DH up. It winds me up to tbh, but I have no idea how to broach it with her without hurting her feelings.

I wonder if your DH feels like your Mum is taking over a bit.

maybe, he only sees her for a few mins each week though so it cant be that bad. wheras I get an hour with his parents )