Please help, I need some advice...(long sorry)

[Jazzi]

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it could be v long!!! My dp and I have been together for 7 years, and in that time we have had our ups and downs, as have most couples!! But recently things have got ridiculous. Since we have been together my dp has always been very reliant upon his family, they all live nearby, whereas mine are miles away. His family are quite wealthy and own land in the area. My dp works with a family member on his small estate. Everything we do is scrutinised by his family, especially his mother. Everytime I suggest moving he gets very upset as he wants to stay around here. We have been given a house to live in which we don't have to pay anything towards, but I would rather pay, and be able to do what we want, when we want!! In order to cope with the demands of this constant scrutiny, my dp drinks. He has always been a drinker, but recently it has got alot worse. He drinks every night, and suffers moods if he stops. This Monday, he promised he would give up drinking, which he has done, but he is very moody, and says he is in alot of pain physically. I have tried to get him to the Doctors, but he is refusing to go! He is always rude to me, never affectionate, and can be angry with our ds's. At the same time, I have recently been to the docs for AD, which are helping, but with no support from dp is really hard. I don't quite know what I am asking, but what should I do. I am finding this all very difficult, I no longer love my dp, I feel I am with him because it is easier to stay than uproot us all, and our life would be very difficult if we moved away financially!! God...help needed MNetters!!!

Jazzi,

I am sorry though not altogether surprised unfortunately given what you have written about him before now.

He is being controlled by his family and you are being controlled by him. There is a very damaging cycle going on her; one which your children will learn from.

Did you speak to your GP about your partner's drinking?. He should only come off the drink under medical supervision; what he is doing to himself is dangerous. The mood swings and pain are side effects of alcohol withdrawal.

If he will not go to the GP no amount of persuading or coercion on your part will get him to change his mind. The ball is therefore in your court - you may want to go to Relate on your own to discuss all this with someone impartial. If you no longer love him then it may be best for you to part anyway.

I asked you before if you were staying only for your two children and you were honest enough to reply yes. You cannot stay in a loveless relationship, your children longer term certainly won't thank you for staying in such an environment even if you thought at the time it was easier than uprooting.

Great that he is trying to give up alcohol. Support him now - really, even if you don't love him, support him; so dc have a father without a drinking problem and you have a man (ex?) you can deal with reasonably in the future. Also you're clocking up good karma!

If the money is there (?)or can be raised for a mortgage, can you look at buying a holiday home somewhere else, even something small? My aim would be to spend as much time as possible there with dc and eventually move there completely but I wouldn't spell that out to anyone. Doesn't have to be a flash place but big enough to be a permanent home.

Start preparing yourself for the workforce if you're a SAHM, so you could support yourself and you would have a place to go, should you decide to. Once you feel you're making a move, I think you'll find it easier to cope, knowing you're putting an end to the whole situation.

Good luck! (I wrote more than you did!)

Thanks for your replies. The problem I have is that my mother is also an alcoholic, and I feel that I haven't the strength to deal with it again, I don't have alot of sympathy I am afraid!!! I work part-time as a lecturer in a University, which is miles away, so I could move there with the boys. The problem is I don't have any money of my own, all my salary goes on childcare and general stuff for the boys and me. The house is dp, not mine, and I am totally skint, so buying something is not an option. I know it is not about the money, but I don't want the boys to have to struggle like I did!!

I would try and get some help like with relate Jazzi because it sounds like you are in a bit of a pattern and you need to break out. That is never easy and will probably take some external help from someone. Relate are often good at this stuff or your GP may recommend someone.

Has anyone else tried Relate?

Hi Jazzi

Re your comment:-
"The problem I have is that my mother is also an alcoholic.

Some people with an alcoholic parent can go on to choose partners themselves with alcohol problems. This time its your partner and the children are being affected by all this going on around them. They are picking up on it.

You are a part time lecturer at uni; have you talked to them at any length regarding your current situation?. Am certain they woul dbe sympathetic to yoru situation (I would hope so anyway).

You certainly need to talk with someone impartial like Relate and I would also suggest you talk with Al-anon as they can help people whose family members have alcoholism. I feel there are still issues between your good self and your Mother's alcoholism - have you ever talked with anyone at all about that?.

You are in a cycle which began with seeing your Mum's alcoholism but you can break this destructive cycle if you choose too. You can change your own situation (you have the power to change things) and make a better life for both you and the children - its up to you ultimately.

My friend has used Relate and she has found them very helpful. Counsellors though are like shoes, you need to find a person whom you can truly work with and you may well need to see more than one such person to find one you can work with.

I wish you well.

Thank you so much atilla, you are very wise and speak a lot of sense.

Ah bless you luv

I wish you well.

to you. You must get yourself some likewise support. Is there a group nearby where you can get some help as someone who is living with/related to an alcoholic? If not, maybe a book on the subject will help you deal with this painful situation...I am thinking of you and hope that you are doing o.k., take care of those precious children and most importantly, take care of yourself!!