This is so hard

[delicatematter]

Since DH told me about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his uncle things have changed.

He is very distant and stand offish-which i expected, he doesnt want any physical contact-which i also expected but the thing thats really upsetting me is that we were so close, like best friends, we told each other everything and now its like he cant bear to be near me.

He told me that he has told his counsellor that he knows he is taking everything out on me and he doesnt know why he is doing it and that he also feels anger towards me- that really upsets me as i dont know what i have done to make him feel this way, i dont pressurize him to talk or anything, i thought i was being really supportive-he says i am but why treat me in this way?

I feel very alone and upset, the other night i was in tears and he said "dont go getting all emotional i cant deal with that right now"
Who have i got to talk through my feelings with?
My family are not very understanding in fact when i broached the subject with my sister she said "what are you doing to make him feel like this?"
Im not doing anything, DH said that he,s going to wait a month and then if things are,nt getting any better between us then he thinks he will leave, but why?
Why leave me and the kids?
We havent done anything wrong, his counsellor has told him that the anger he feels for his family,s lack of support he is directing onto me.

I dont know what to do.

Your DH is going through some pretty tough stuff at the mo, it is unfair that you are the fall-guy for all the crap, but he has to vent it somewhere and you are a 'safe' place. Is there any chance you could see a counsellor too ?

I would have written the same as Nondeplume. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you, you all in fact. As Nondeplume has said is there any chance you could see a counsellor? You need someone and from what you have said just now your DH is not the one that can be there for you.

Sorry I have not experience of any of this but it is just my feeling and a wish to help. It must be very very difficult right now.

has he been in touch withnapac ?

or maybe you could get in touch with them, they may be able to help you as well?

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here but maybe he feels ashamed? Of course he has absolutely no reason to at all but reason often doesn't come into it. he may be concerned about how you feel about him now you know what has happened to him. He may be worried that he has started to unleash feelings and emotions in himself that he cannot control and so wants to protect you and your kids by leaving. It may be the hardest thing to do but if you possibly can I think you need to stand back, try and hold in your own emotions for a bit and just let him know you will be there for him no matter what happens and what he does or says.

All I can say is the same as NdP - can you see a counsellor too? You need help dealing with all this as well, and also with dealing with your sister's 'helpful' comment

This is different I know, but when my DH was very, very bad with his OCD and close to a nervous breakdown, I need counselling too. Because it's horribly hard when someone close is having such a terrible time, and even harder when they're taking it out on you. You need to accept that you are suffering too.

needed, not need.

Thanks for the replies, DH has said tonight that he is sorry for putting me through this and that he doesnt want to leave, he said he has done a lot of thinking over the last couple of days and that he knows he has hurt me (even though i understand and he knows that i understand).

He is waiting still for the PC to phone him or call round, he spoke to someone in charge yesterday and the copper is not back until tomorrow, he starts his shift at 12 noon so DH is going to ring him tomorrow afternoon.

I feel a fraud for wanting to see a counsellor because its DH who has been abused and not me, i dont know what to do about how i feel, maybe ill give it some thought.

Thanks very much for all the supportive messages, you guys on here are the only ones i can talk to about this.

I fel for you, for us it is the other way around. I was the one abused as a child and I am at times distant towards DH as a result.

In regard to the leaving issue which now appears resolved, it is easier than coping with the feelings and knowing you are hurting those around you.

Please feel free to pM me if you need to 'talk'

On Thursday 2 police officers turned up, apologised to DH for him having to wait so long and asked did he mind if they took over the case from the original PC.

DH said yes he did mind, he didnt want to go over it all again from scratch and that he had a good rapport with the original PC.

Half an hour after they had left he got a phonecall to say that the PC will come and see him today at 5.30pm.

I really really hope that he turns up, this has been going on too long and DH is so nervous.

how are things now??

The PC turned up this afternoon instead of yesterday

Anyway he has talked through it with DH and DH is going to do a video as evidence.

The family support unit will be getting in touch with him in the next couple of weeks.

DH says he wants the whole family to know what uncle has done as he thinks that he has done it to more than him but he doesnt know how to go about it as his dad is keeping it a secret from the rest of the family.

DH seems more relaxed since the PC has gone and was laughing his head off because the kids on the street were saying "Aw you,re being arrested arent you!"